POPPA HOWARD REVEALS WHY OUR PRAYERS ARE NOT ALWAYS ANSWERED

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS WHY OUR PRAYERS
ARE NOT ALWAYS ANSWERED!!

Drastically revised 14 January 2013.
Saved as: “Website-PRAYER not ANSWERED.doc”

1: INTRODUCTION
This is the most important document that I have ever written, and it will also be one of the most important documents that you are ever likely to read!! It will turn your life completely around, as it has done mine!!!

The following observations are not just “off the cuff” but are based on years and years of study of thousands of Books and Magazines (well, perhaps at least over half a dozen anyway !!) and hours of meditation on this dynamic subject.

My findings fall into the category of SIX MAIN SECTIONS that I believe fully answer this very puzzling question for everybody. If you adhere to these principles I am certain that all your future prayers will be answered (unless it is not in your own best interests, because God knows better otherwise!!).

This article is not only for the religious folk. So please don’t say “O, I am not the ‘Religious Type’ so this article is not for me” . , ,IT PACKS A POWERFUL PUNCH FOR EVERYONE !!

I have put my findings into Six Sections, namely:-x

SECTION 1: GOD DOS NOT LISTEN TO ACTUAL WORDS!!
SECTION 2: ELIMINATE ALL NEGATIVITY IN PRAYER AND IN DAILY LIFES.
SECTION 3: ARE WE TRAPPED BY UNIVERSAL NEGATIVE ‘BELIEFS’?
SECTION 4: UNDER-PIN YOUR PRAYERS WITH FEELINGS
SECTION 5:: ARE WE PLAYING OUR PART IN PRAYER?!!
SECTION 6: DO NOT TELL GOD HIS JOB !!

Off we go then, , , , , , but fasten your Seat-Belt, because this Article will surely change your whole life, whether or not you are of the ‘Religious Type’ !!!, , , , , ,

SECTION 1: GOD DOES NOT LISTEN TO YOUR ACTUAL WORDS.

2: GOD DOES NOT LISTEN TO YOUR ACTUAL WORDS
If God had to listen to the actual words in prayers, He would have to listen to words in millions of different languages. So what does He do ?, , He only ‘SEES’ the thoughts in our Sub-Conscious minds (i.e. The Right-hand ‘Creative’ side of our Brains). You have to say the words first of course in your Left Brain in order for your Right-Brain to know what picture to create that God will finally see.,. , , You get the idea??

3: AN EXAMPLE
Let’s consider for a moment what God actually “SEES” if you pray: :“O God please take away my “PAIN”., , , , But God only SEES your ‘Subconscious – Mind-Picture’ of “PAIN”, that it has created with your words, , , so He very graciously grants s it to you as you asked Him so nicely !!! Rather pray for “GOOOD HEALTH” and do NOT even mention the word “PAIN”

4: ANOTHER EXAMPLE
Here is another example, , “Please God let there be NO more WARS” In this case, God will only SEE “WARS” that you have vividly pictured in your Subconscious Brain and He will grant you this with His blessing!! .So rather pray for PEACE and do NOT even mention the word “WARS”.

5: GOD TAKES A WALK THROUGH YOUR PICTURE GALLERY!!
Here is a lovely little analogy, , , Imagine your Subconscious Right Brain is a Picture Gallery, and God is taking a walk through it, looking at your paintings. One of them is a very gruesome ‘War Scene’. This picture has just been created in your Right- Brain because you have just said the words ”O Lord please make all WARS to cease!” in your Left Brain. But there are no words written across the picture stating “all wars to cease”, So God, seeing this War Picture says “Certainly, my dear child, your prayer is answered, you can certainly have WARS if you so wish” (but He thinks to Himself “Personally, I think it is a daft idea!!”)., , Do you get my drift???

What a dismal Picture Gallery these pictures will all make for God to see AND GRANT US WITH HIS BLESSING !!!

6: “WANDERING THOUGHTS“ DURING A CHURCH SERVICE !!
By the same token, if the Minister in Church is praying beautiful, meaningful and powerful prayers for this or that, but your mind is wandering, because you are worrying about your motor car that is giving a lot of trouble at the moment. GOD WILL, THEREFORE, ONLY SEE YOUR MENTAL PICTURE OF A FAULTY MOTOR CAR, in your “Subconscious Picture Gallery”, and because all your thoughts are prayers, Bingo !!, , , God grants you a FAULTY MOTOR CAR with His blessing!!!

7: A GOOD SUMMARY IN ONE CRYPTIC SENTENCE!!
God gives us everything “IMAGIN – able” , , Not anything “SPOKE- able!”!!

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SECTION 2: ELIMINATE ALL NEGATIVITY

8: ELIMINATE ALL NEGATIVITY.
Following on from the above, here is something very hard to swallow and also achieve, ,, Both your Subconscious Mind AND God do NOT recognize NEGATIVE WORDS such as No, Not, Never, Remove or Prefixes such as Un- Anti–, etc: This is because both your Subconscious Mind and God ONLY DEAL IN PICTURES so you get the wrong outcome from what you actually intended and expected when you prayed using NEGATIVE Words!!

9: THE SOLUTION ?
The solution? , , , Only pray for POSITIVE and LOVELY THINGS such as ‘Love’ ‘Perfect Health’, ‘World Peace’, ‘Law and Order’ etc: When praying for someone who is ill, whatever you do, do NOT tell God that he or she is suffering from this or that illness. Apart from the fact that He knows this already, you will be picturing your friend’s suffering AND GOD WILL SEE THIS IN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND and will graciously give you what you have inadvertently asked for, namely ILLNESS. Rather pray that Mr. or Mrs.. XYZ will enjoy ‘PERFECT HEALTH”

10: AS ALL YOUR THOUGHTS ARE “PRAYERS” , , CARRY THE FOREGOING CONCEPTS INTO YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE
You must also carry all this into your everyday life, because ALL YOUR THOUGHTS ARE PRAYERS.. Watch out for the very common trap of using DOUBLE NEGATIVES. . For example, in answer to the greeting “How are you ? Never ever reply “I am not too bad thank you” , or “I cannot complain” (Typical answers, hey??!!). So, God says “O.K. I SEE your prayer, so I will certainly give you a lot of ‘bad’ and a lot to ‘complain’ of !! .

Being DISHONEST also falls into this everyday for everyone negative category, , so when you are not 100% honest in your speech and dealings YOU ARE ACTUALLY PRAYING TO BE PUNISHED AND YOUR PRAYER WILL BE ANSWERED !!, , , , WOW !!!!

(You are, however, allowed to knock off 2% , if, for instance, your wife asks you how you like her new dress !!!)

Paul, the brilliant Psychologist, sums this all up very positively in ‘The Divine Manufacturer’s Workshop Manual’ (Philippians chapS: 4 verse 8) :- “Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just,, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, THINK ON THESE THINGS”, , , (the caps’ are mine). (King James Version).

All this is easier said than done of course, and requires a tremendous amount of Self Discipline, , , .But the effort MUST be made, nevertheless!!

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SECTION 3: UNIVERSAL NEGATIVE BELIEFS

11: ARE WE TRAPPED BY UNIVERSAL NEGATIVE BELIEVES?
Following on from the foregoing do NOT become trapped by unconditionally accepting UNIVERSAL NEGATIVE “BELIEFS”, as these are “SUBCONSCIOUS-PRAYER-PICTURES” and they will be surely granted! This requires exceptional personal Mental Discipline. But if you do not do this, then you are SUNK, as sure as the Titanic!! Here are some typical examples you MUST avoid saying OR EVEN THINKING at all costs , , , ,
“I always get a cold every winter!”
“My illness (or whatever) can’t be helped, it is hereditary!”
“I can NEVER find parking!”
“I’ have never won anything in my life!”
“I was born unlucky!”
“I have always been ‘Accident Prone’!”
“I NEVER get anything right the first time!”
“I am absolutely HOPELESS at Mental Arithmetic!”
“It ALWAYS rains when we go on holiday !!”
“Statistics show that not many people live over 85”
“Our Transport System is an absolute disaster”
‘Our Government is an Absolute Disaster!!”
“I do not deserve to be rich (happy) (lucky) (healthy) , , , , , , (whatever)!”
“I cannot help it, it runs in the Family!!”
“Mother-in Laws are all the same!!”
“This town is full of very unfriendly people” (And if you should move elsewhere, people will also be unfriendly there, sure as eggs!!).

And so on and so on ,,,,,,,,,, Do you recognize and say these, , , or, even worse still, believe in any of them??!!

12: NEGATIVE OPINIONS OF OTHERS
Talking about “Negativity” ,just listen to how people describe other people negatively. They give themselves away AND, MAYBE, SO DO YOU, because the way a person describes something is like a gigantic mirror of their (OR YOUR!) character.

THE HEARER IS BEING TOLD WITH ABSOLUTE CLARITY THE NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE POINTS OF THE SPEAKER !!!! “YOUR MOUTH IS THE MIRROR OF YOUR SOUL !! ”

In the following examples, the human characteristics are all identical but just see how each is described DEPENDING ON THE SPEAKERS OWN WEAK NEGATIVITY OR STRENGTH ==
1; What one person will call OUTGOING & FRIENDLY another will call BOSSY
2: What one person will call MERCIFUL another will call SPINELESS
3: What one person will call COURAGEOUS another will call HOT-HEADED
4: What one person will call LOVING another will call OVER-SEXED!
5: What one person will call HUGGING ME another will call MAULING and PAWING.
6: What one person will call CAUTIOUS another will call TIMID
7: What one person will call RESPECTFUL another will call SHY OR ”BOOT-LICKING”
8: What one person will call WELL INFORMED another will call “A FRIGHTFUL GOSSIP”
9: What one person will call KNOWLEDGEABLE another will call “A BIG KNOW-ALL”
10: What one person will call WELL SPOKEN another will call “A LAH DEE DAH!”

AND SO ON AND SO ON ,,,IT IS ALL A MATTER OF PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE.

In other words, a person despises the bad qualities in others that MIRRORS THE SAME WEAKNESSES IN THEMSELVES!! So listen (often with some inner amusement) at the way in which other people completely give themselves away in this manner!!!

But watch out folks!!! When someone “”Presses your Button” and you feel a sudden spurt of anger or acute resentment, or you suddenly take an instant dislike to that person, THIS IS A WARNING BLIP ON YOUR SCREEN, A “WAKE-UP CALL” !! because that person is actually MIRRORING one or more of your own bad qualities (that perhaps you did not even know you had!!!).

So do NOT ignore this warning signal, take time to relax and meditate HONESTLY. Try and remember when you first had such feelings in the past (maybe even going right back to childhood if need be). Maybe you were unjustly accused of something you did not do and you are carrying a lifetime of suppressed subconscious resentment and anger against the sort of person that has just spoken to you at the present time! If you do happen to find it, mentally forgive the originator and bless them, and thus release it.

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SECTION 4: UNDER-PIN OUR PRAYERS WITH FEELINGS

13: UNDER-PIN YOUR PRAYERS WITH YOUR FEELINGS
Your prayers must be always under-pinned with your FEELINGS . When praying for rain, for instance, in your mind, FEEL it beating on your face and body, hear in your mind the thunder and imagine the lightning and the torrents of water rushing along the gutters. This gives God a REALLY VIVID PAINTING to look at in your Gallery!! (and He will rush to tell His Angels to turn all the taps full on !!!)..

GREGG BRADEN a brilliant present day Spiritual Philosopher, has written a splendid book on this ‘Feelings Principle’ in prayer that he calls “THE ISAIAH EFFECT” (The above prayer for rain is just one example that he cites).

Do try and read Greg Braden’s books, they are all eye-openers. A lot of this article is taken from his books.

By the way, did you know that Isaiah was deformed? Yes ,he was, because ‘One eye’s higher’ than the other!!!’ , , , , , , (GOTCH-YA !!).
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SECTION 5: ARE WE PLAYINGY OUR PART IN PRAYER?

14: ARE WE PLAYING OUR PART IN RESPECT OF PRAYER ?
It is very often not enough to simply pray and then lean back, sitting on the side-lines just waiting for some wonderful miraculous ‘Divine Action’ to take place.. We are often given “Spiritual-Mental-Instructions” or “Spiritual Tips” in the form of “Inspirational Thoughts”,(often very repetitive, but ignored!!) or perhaps given in Dreams. WE must then CO-OPERATE order to CO-CREATE the practical answers to our prayers.

So look for “SIGNS” especially if a simple “Yes’ or ‘No’ is required to guide your future. (Lots of ‘Yes’s’ seen in Newspapers, Shop-Windows, on Television etc: As an example of this, when buying a new car recently ,I could not decide whether or not to get one with ‘Automatic’ or ‘Manual’ Gear-Change. (Everyone said that I must get the ‘Automatic’). So I prayed for guidance. As a result, I was (a): Drawn into a conversation about Organ MANUALS. (b) My eyes were drawn to a book on my desk entitled “Instruction MANUAL”, and finally (c)The Minister’s surname at Church that Sunday was EMANUEL. So I reckoned that these were enough ‘Signs’ and bought the Manual Gear Change without any further hesitation (Which has proved to be the right choice 100 times over!!!). “Just shear ’Coincidence of course” most people will say !!

Many think that their prayers have been ignored, whereas, in actual fact, the person themselves are actually the ones who are doing all the ignoring!!! .
So do not fall into this trap yourself!!

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SECTION 6: DO NOT TELL GOD HIS JOB!!

15: DO NOT TELL GOD HIS JOB !!!!
Another set-back in prayer is that we often outline HOW our prayers should be answered. We are virtually handing God a script instructing Him how to do His job!!!

I love one of Gregg Braden’s stories that illustrates this absolutely perfectly, , ,, namely, of a family that lived on the edge of a desert and they earnestly and continuously prayed for rain but without any result. Then a new family moved in, but they prayed that God would provide all their needs. Guess what , , , Oil was discovered on the property!!!, , , Need I say more??!!

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16: SUMMARY
So there you have it folks. , , ,I hope that my article may bring forth positive results when you pray in future (because if you can carry out its basic principles, it cannot do otherwise) , ., , ,and please, (an important message even to “non-Religious” folks) , , , DO watch your thoughts in everyday life, cutting out all negativity, because such thoughts are ACTAULLY PRAYERS THAT ARE ALWAYS ANSWERED, and these are the real prime causes of some of the very nasty situations for which you cannot account.

So, , , , go for it, , , GOOD PRAYING, , , AND GOOD EVERYDAY THINKING!!

P.S. Two other very good books by Gregg Braden are “Secrets of the Lost Mode of Prayer” and “The God Code” (not to be confused with the contentious “The Bible Code”) . The latter is a very convincing scientific proof of God in Man and all things.

17: TAILPIECE
If you don’t remember anything else from this article, PLEASE try and remember this one thing, namely , , , ,

ALL YOUR THOUGHTS ARE PRAYERS THAT WILL ALWAYS BE GRANTED IN WAYS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT LIKE, , , SO KEEP THEM ALL LOVELY, 100% HONEST AND PURE.

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END OF ARTICLE

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS THE GREAT DANGERS OF ANT-ACID INDIGESTION MEDICINE AND EXPLAINS THE BODY’S CORRECT ACID – ALKALINE RATIO

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS THE GREAT DANGERS OF ANT-ACID INDIGESTION MEDICINE AND EXPLAINES THE BODY’S CORRECT ACID – ALKALINE  RATIO

 Saved as: “Web-ANT-ACID MEDICINE.doc”

 

THE DRAWBACK OF ANT-ACID MEDICINE

At any time, but mostly after eating and drinking all the ‘Wrong Stuff’ you may have a ‘burning sensation’ in your chest, so you immediately rush to the medicine cabinet and gulp down some Ant-Acid medicine.  This gives you temporary relief and you smile and say  “Ah! Wonderful Stuff this “XYZ” !!

But hang on a minute, let us see what actually happens , , , , ,  This will wipe the smile off your face!!! , , , , ,This medicine is actually a “Bomb” packed full of Alkaline which then proceeds to completely neutralize all your stomach acid that is actually causing you the pain. But listen, my friend , , , , this acid is vitally needed to break up the PROTEIN in the food you have just eaten so that it can be easily absorbed into your body to accomplish that for which our Creator intended.  So you have now actually destroyed this very valuable process. But even worse , , , , Acid kills harmful Bacteria that you swallowed with your food a moment ago. But where is this valuable Acid?  You have just killed it stone dead with your Ant-Acid medicine , ,  ,WOW !!!

Admittedly, too much acid is harmful, but this is automatically controlled by your body with the aid of the Liver that manufactures the greenish alkaline fluid  ‘Bile’ . This is  then stored ready for immediate use in the Gall Bladder when too much acid is ingested. Bile is also needed to break down the fat in the stomach. But the ADDITIONAL Alkaline (in the form of your ‘Medicine’) is a VERY harmful combination indeed, as now every atom of your valuable ‘Bacterial – Warrior – Acid ‘ is killed stone dead, and you end up far worse off in the long term. This is because subsequent illnesses can be caused by the ever so lively Bacteria you have now given full permission to invade your healthy body!   Of course, you never realize that your illness a few months into the future was initially caused months back when you took that Ant-Acid medicine!!!, , , ,  WOW !!!

But if you take away a child’s toy, you must give it a replacement or it will scream the house down!  In the case of the Ant-Acid Medicine, you must also give your ‘tummy-child’ a replacement “toy”. Here are a few suggestions:-

(a) APPLE CIDER VINEGAR which is a NATURAL remedy dating back 3,500 years.

(b) GRATED APPLE  which is left to oxidize in the surrounding air until it goes brown.

(c) .GINGER is a splendid stomach settler.

(d) ALOE VERA. This quickly soothes stomach irritation. As a bonus, it also speeds up the rate of healing of infectious wounds, burns and ulcers etc.

(e) FENUGREEK. This is also a FANTASTIC stomach healer, especially after a nasty bout of vomiting when you can’t “keep anything down”!!

(f): CARAWAY SEEDS (soaked in hot water and allowed to stand until cool) is a great stomach soother. It is ideal for colic in children.. It expels wind from the bowels too. Rather drink it hot for colds and ‘flu. The cherry on the top, of course, is that Caraway is pleasant to drink!

(The foregoing information is based on an article in ‘Personal and Finance’ of  December 2007).

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THE CORRECT ALKALINE TO ACID RATIO

Talking of Acid and Alkaline, the ideal ratio of Acid to Alkaline in the body SHOULD be 20% ACID to 80% ALKALINE.   This is seldom achieved by most people however, unless purposely strived for. At this ratio, the body will look after itself health-wise, repairing any damages and sustaining perfect health. This is because, at this Ratio, no Germ or Virus can possibly get a foothold.

Alkaline foods include Vegetables, Fruits, Herbs, Seeds, Nuts, and some Vegetable Oils. Note carefully, however, that some acidy tasting items ARE ACTUALLY FORMED INTO ALKALINE by the body itself, , ,  (Gosh!  Our Creator thinks of everything, not so??!!)

On the other hand, ACID forming foods include Meat, Sweets, Chocolate, Bread, Cakes, Fried Foods and some Dairy Products.  As regards the latter Dairy Products, why not rather eat your nourishing foods  FRESH ,,,,,,, without getting them “second hand  ”through a cow “!!!.

 

Incidentally, a little known fact about TOMATOES is that they are ‘Two-Faced’, , ,  because they can be either Acid OR Alkaline simply depending upon when and how they are eaten!!   Namely, if eaten at mealtimes with Carbohydrates  (Potatoes etc.) they are ACID, but if eaten by themselves in between meals (or without Carbohydrates with meals), they are ALKALINE  (There is term for this, but I can’t find it in the dictionary, , ,, but it is similar to someone being ‘Ambidextrous’  namely, being able to write with both hands.  .  Also, unless only very gently heated, tomatoes loose all their goodness. So rather eat them raw, whenever possible.

CONCLUSIONS

1: Stop taking Ant-acid Medicines, , , rather try the alternative suggestions.

2: Aim for the correct balance of 20% ACID to 80% ALKALINE for perfect health.

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END OF ANT-ACID ARTICLE

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS WELL-KEPT-SECRET DUMB-BLOND JOKES

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POPPA  HOWARD  REVEALS  WELL-KEPT-SECRET

DUMB- BLOND  JOKES !!

Saved as: “WebSite-DUMB BLOND Jokes.doc”

Did you know that there is a secret organization called the S.O.D.B.J. namely,

,. the “Society Of Dumb Blond Jokes?”

In this Society, Sensible Blonds go out of their way to try and prove that Blonds are NOT dumb!!  In their records they have nearly 70 such jokes that need to be ‘squashed’.  But, after a lot of dangerous detective and under-cover work, I managed to obtain copies of these records and I reproduce them below.

I hope that you fully appreciate the very high risks that I had to take, solely for your enjoyment !!

Off we go then  , , , , , , ,

DUMBBLONDJOKES

1: Dumb Blond  “We must nip this thing in the butt”.

2: Dumb Blond  “I’m not going to be an escape ghost for anybody”

3: Dumb Blond  “My decapitated coffee is really something to die for”.

4:  “Lecturer: “Do you know your Shakespeare?”

Dumb Blond: “Gosh ! am I ? , , , , , I thought I was Betty  Smith”

5: Dumb Blond:  ”Why should I have to pay R255.00 for a book of free verse?”

6  Peggy “ Oh it was SO romantic, , , champagne, soft lights, Tchaikovsky in the background”

Dumb Blond Friend: “Who was ‘Chi Cow Skee’, a Chinaman?”

7:  Peggy “Was yours a marriage of convenience?”

Dumb Blond Friend “No, far too smelly, , ,we got married in a Church”

8: Dumb Blonde “I have shortened all my electrical cords in order to save electricity”.

9: Dumb Blond Secretary to a friend: “Recently my boss has been complaining about my punctuation, so I now try and get to work early”

10: Boss to Dumb Blond Secretary: “If you can’t get here on time I will just have to get another Secretary!!”

Dumb Blond Secretary: ”Do you think there will be enough room for both of us?”

11: Dumb Blond “ I couldn’t settle in Italy, it would be like living in a foreign country”.

12: A certain Dumb Blond I know would buy ANYTHING that is marked down. The other day she brought an Escalator !

13: Peggy, following a visit to a farm: “I did not see a single cow”

Dumb Blond Friend   “Did you perhaps see a married one”

14: Dumb Blond, watching an aeroplane: “What kind of aeroplane is that ?”                    Little Boy: ”That is a Mail Plane Auntie”                                                                                  Dumb Blond “Oh is it? , , , I always thought that those were its wheels”

15: Dumb Blond  “Do Pigeons walk ‘Man-Toed’ ?”

16: A Dumb Blond was in a store reading a magazine off a bookshelf when the manager came up to her and said ”This is not a Library you know” . “Oh” she said  “Splendid, , , , so I don’t have to talk softly then?”

17: Dumb Blond  “I do like Beethoven, especially his essays and poems”.

18: Peggy “Last week I took Johnny to see Dr Zhivago”

Dumb Blond Friend  “Why? , ,  , was  he sick?”

19: Peggy ”Are you attending the Cannes Film Festival this year?

Dumb Blond Friend  “It all depends where it is being held this year”

20: Dumb Blond “The Moon must be one of the most inhospitable places on earth”

21: Dumb Blond “ Is ‘Arms Control’ some kind of deodorant?”

22: Dumb Blond “ If I put another postage stamp on this letter it will only make it heavier so I will then have to put another stamp on it, which will make it even heavier, so I will then have to put another stamp on it which will, , ,”

Peggy: “ OH SHUT UP!!”.

23: A Dumb Blond made herself a FREE already printed Address Book as follows:  She simply got a free Telephone Directory and crossed out all the names that were not applicable

24: Peggy “A Country’s President is married to  ‘The First Lady’ “

Dumb Blond  “I wonder if she ever saw any dinosaurs”

25:  Customer in a modern record shop: “Do you have Handel’s Water Music”

Dumb Blond Assistant: “Is he on his own or with a band?”

26: Peggy “I saw Jane in a Beauty Parlour yesterday”

Betty “Wow!! ‘Eye-Sore Plain Jane’ in a Beauty Parlour!! Did it work?”

27: Dumb Blond  “Tell me Peggy, was it you or your brother that was killed during the war?”

28:  Peggy: “My Great-grandfather fell at Waterloo”

Dumb Blond Friend “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. On which platform was it ?”

29:  Peggy ”Why were you fired from the Bank?”

Dumb Blond “An old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over”

30: Peggy: “ Jane has a very plain face, certainly no Rembrandt”

Dumb Blond Friend: “ Yes I fully agree, certainly not a piece of left-over material that could be put to any good use”

31:  Peggy “Have you any concrete evidence of ghosts?”

Dumb Blond Friend  “No, I have never seen a ghost made of concrete”

32:  Peggy “Can I interest you in a night-cap?”

Dumb Blond Friend “No thanks Peggy, I prefer to sleep bare-headed”

33: Peggy “Life is like a cup of tea”

Dumb Blond Friend  “Yes please, milk, no sugar. What were you saying just now ?  ‘Life is , , , ,?’ ”

34: Peggy and her Dumb Blond Fried were watching a Funeral Procession.

Peggy “Who is dead?”

Dumb Blond Friend “The guy in the coffin, I suppose!”

35: Peggy to Dumb Blond Friend outside the room  “To open the door you must turn the knob on your side”

Dumb Blond  “But Peggy, my body hasn’t got a knob on its side!!”

36: ”Buy a raffle ticket for the Church for R5.00 ?”

Dumb Blond “What on earth would I do with a Church if I won it?”

37:  Beggar: ”Can you help me out?”

Dumb Blond “ Sure, , , which entrance did you come in by?”

38:  Man, waiting on the pavement: ““Call me a cab”

Dumb Blond:  “Okay, , , , , ‘You silly old Ford Eight“

39: Dumb Blond “ I save a fortune on batteries, , , I take them out of my doorbell then I simply check the door every 2 minutes”

40: Dumb Blond “I saw a large notice at the bottom of a shop escalator stating “Dogs must be carried”. But although I searched and searched everywhere, I couldn’t find one to carry!”

41:  Psychic: “God bless you”

:     Dumb Blond  “But I didn’t sneeze”

Psychic: “No, but you will do!!”

Dumb Blond to a fried a month later “Blow me down, she’s terrific! , , , Two weeks later, I really did sneeze!!”

42: Dumb Blond  “I have just thought of a fantastic way of getting instant boiling water. You simply put boiling water in the Deep Freeze then you just defrost it whenever you need some boiling water in future”

43: Dumb Blond: ”The cooking recipe states ‘separate two eggs’ so I put one in the lounge and one in the bedroom”.

44:  Dumb Blond: “The first time my husband asked me for an aspirin and a glass of water, I rang Mummy for the recipe”

45: Dumb Blonde: ”My new state of the arts microwave flashes ‘Enjoy what you have just taken out’, , , but how do I ‘enjoy’ my panties after drying them in it ? ”

46:  Dumb Blonde “The trouble with jogging is that the ice keeps jumping out of my glass”

47: Dumb Blond “I don’t want to die. I think that death is a grossly overrated past-time”.

48: Dumb Blond at the Gym: “Can you teach me to do the splits”

.Instructor: “That depends on how flexible you are

Dumb Blond  “How about Tuesday afternoons?”

49: Dumb Blond “ So there I was,  standing by the coffin in a Funeral Parlour and I was fingering the electric torch in my pocket, when this made me think, , ,  , Gosh, I wonder what happens if they have put him in the coffin the wrong way around!! “

50: Dumb Blond  “How long will this 24 hour strike last?”

51:Dumb Blond  “ Do you realize that there are people alive here in New York that are already dead in Tokyo?”

52: Blond: “They say that Genocide is fatal, even if you only drink a tiny little sip of it.”

53: Dumb Blond: “Does the House of Lords stand in its own grounds ?”

54: Dumb Blond in a Toy Shop “ Have you any Balloons?”

Shop Assistant “What size would you like Madam?”

Dumb Blond “ Oh, about 4 inches or so”

55: Dumb Blond in a Chemist “Have you any Tooth Paste please?”

Shop Assistant “What kind did you want Madam?”

Dumb Blond “The kind where you squeeze the tube and the paste comes out of a little hole at one end”

56: Dumb Blond “My Brother was a Tenant in a flat and he left it to join the Army, so they made him a ‘Left-Tenant’

57: Private Smith “I am dreading going back to the army again after this leave, because my Corporal is going to punish me for being late for my last parade”

His Dumb Blond Sister “Gosh !  ‘Corporal-Punishment’! Does this mean that you are going to be flogged”.

58:  Little Johnnie: “In Sunday School today we were taught how to fenugreek by bending our knees and crossing ourselves”

Dumb Blond Mother “No Darling, the word is ‘Circumflex’ ”

59: In Dumb Blond language, , , “I’ll meet you at  9- o – clock tomorrow morning” is just a figure of speech!!

60: Dumb Blond: “I am going to marry an Archaeologist because as I get older and older he will become more and more interested in me!”  (originally this was actually said by Agatha Christie about her second husband, , ,her first one having fallen in love with someone else!!)

61: Friend of Dumb Blond “So, you are getting married. Have you picked a date yet?”

Dumb Blonde: “I didn’t think you were allowed to bring a date long to your wedding”

62: Peggy: “My daughter died in hospital last week”

Dumb Blond Friend: “ Gosh, I’m sorry to hear that Peggy. Was she younger or older than you?”

63: Dumb Blond to friend: “My Doctor told me to start exercising slowly, so today I very slowly drove past the gym”.

64: Dumb Blonde: “My Doctor told me that I have ‘In Groin Toenails, but although I keep looking, I haven’t seen any growing out of my groin yet”

65: Tubby Dumb Blond: “I weigh myself every day, but I can’t see the Scale because my large tummy is in the way, , , . But this is a good thing, because now I don’t have to worry about my weight! , , , However, I must weigh only HALF  of what others of my size and shape weigh, because I only stand on ONE foot”

66: Dumb Blonde to Surgeon: “What kind of Surgeon are you?”

Surgeon: I am a Naval Surgeon”

Dumb Blonde: “ Gosh !   Do you operate on peoples belly buttons then?”

67: Then there was the Dumb Blonde that kept holding her watch up to her ear because on one occasion she was told that every second counts !!

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                                          END  OF  DUMB  BLOND  JOKES

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS ALTERNATIVE DEFINITIONS TO WELL KNOWN WORDS AND PHRASES

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 POPPA HOWARD REVEALS ALTERNATIVE DEFINITIONS TO WELL KNOWN WORDS AND PHRASES   By “Poppa Howard”, The Abbot, Trappist Monkey Monastery, Poffadder!!!     Saved as: “ WebSite-DAFFY DEFINITIONS.doc” Hereunder I reveal alternative meanings to well-known words and phrases, , , some being amusing, some hilarious, some even being very wise and a couple a little bit ‘Smutty’. , , , , , ,  But read on, , ,  and smile, or giggle, or roar with laughter, or scratch or nod  your head in wise agreement, or just  “Tut – Tut”  as the case maybe! Some you may have to read slowly and think about it, before you get the point. Some are absolutely terrific. Some are absolutely awful !! Some are as old as the hills!! Off we go then , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

 

1:: ACCOUNTANT:  Someone who comes to a much higher figure after he has added up all your expenses

2: ADVICE: What we look for when we know the answer perfectly well but heartily wish that we didn’t !!

3: AFFLUENCE: That extremely short period between the last payment and the first repair-bill !!

4: AUTHORITY: Someone who informs you, in no uncertain terms, about something that you wish you didn’t know !!

5: BARGAIN: Something that you have just bought at twice the price, or you don’t need, and at a price you can’t resist or afford.

6: BATH-MATS: Little dry rugs that  youngsters won’t stand on !!

7: BUDGET: A very careful plan for going broke methodically !!

8: BULLDOZER: One who sleeps through a political speech.

9: DISCRETION:  The art of putting two and two together and keeping your mouth shut !  

10: DIPLOMACY: The art of jumping into troubled waters without making a splash

11: FINANCIAL GENIOUS:  A man who can earn money faster than his wife and family can spend it

12: GRANDPA:  A wild horse that has been tamed by his son in preparation for his grandson to ride !!

13: HOLY GATHERING: A boil on a Bishop’s neck !!

14: HONEY MOON That very brief period between  “I do” and  “You’d better” !!

15: IDIOT: Someone who does not know what you have only just learnt !!

16: JARGON: A disguise cleverly employed to describe something in a complex format without giving a single thing away !!

17:JOURNALIST: Someone with absolutely nothing in his or her head but having the ability to express it persuasively.

18: LATEST MODEL; Something that that you have just bought at a price you can’t afford  that immediately becomes out of fashion. Or:  A bargain that becomes immediately available at half-price just after you have bought the old model at great expense!!  

19: LIVING WAGE: A hugely differing amount, depending entirely upon whether you are paying it or receiving it !!

20: MIDDLE AGE: This is when knees buckle, and belts don’t !!

21: MICROWAVE: Just wiggling the fingers to attract attention.:

21: OLD AGE: Chronologically Gifted !!

22: OPTIMIST: Someone who REALLY believes that a House Fly is looking for a way out !!

23: CATASTROPHY: A combined name for , , ,  A Feline Animal , , , A Donkey , , , and , , , , , ,   A Cup given as a Prize.

24: SIGH: An Amplifier for people who suffer in silence !!

  25: NEUROTIC:       The One who builds castles in the air ,,,

PSYCOPATH:    The One who lives in them ,,,

PSYCHIATRIST: The One who collects the rent !!  

26: PETTY SQUABLER: One who would squabble over a deck-chair on the Titanic.

27: MONEY: Money is better than poverty, , , ,even if only for financial reasons !!  

 

28: FAIRY TALE:  Not every Fairy Tale begins with “Once upon a time ,,,”   Very many begin with:  “When I am elected,,,, “ !!!

29: PATIENCE: This is something you greatly admire in the driver behind you ,(“ThanksfornotSittingonmyBumper) but never in the one ahead of you (“Hurryup,DarnYou!!!!) Or:   The ability to still let your light shine ,,, AFTER YOUR FUSE HAS BLOWN !!

30: RAINSTORMS, , ,THEIR CAUSES, , , a): High Pressure Areas. b): Cold Fronts. c): Warm Moist Air. d): Weekends and Holidays !!

31: AN ADULTRESS:  A Lady Adult

32: IMAGE:  He is very aged

33: OLD AGE: Someone who is 20 years older than you are!

34: RACIST: A person who Runs.

35: ATHEISM: A Non-Prophet Organization.

36: GERIATRIC  A German Footballer scoring three goals in a row.

37: BRAIN: An apparatus with which we think we think.  

38: INDECENT: When a cork is hard enough and far enough into a bottle.

39: FAIR ENOUGH: I am a Fairy, and my name is ‘’Nuff’’  , , , ‘Fairy  Nuff’’

40: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT:  Being forced to live in London for 5 years.

41: POSTULATE: Someone Posts something to you too Late to be of any use.  

42: MONOPOLLY: A girl all on her own called ‘Polly

43: HONOUR  AMONGST THIEVES:  Why would anyone want to insert  “Honour” between  ‘THI” and “EVES.? , , , , ,as you will end up with “THI honour EVES!!!  

44: TRANSPARENT: A Father taking a bus from one town to another..

45: GAGGA:  Genetically Mentally Impaired (Latin:Impejorarer)  

46: ONE MINUTE:  Usually 60 seconds, unless preceded by the words JUSTA

47: IN A JIFFY: Anything from 8 seconds to several weeks. The latter is usually preceded by the words: “ILL HAVE IT FIXED,,,

48: BANSHEE: A notice forbidding the entry of females.

49: SURPLUS: Cast- off white robes that the Vicar dresses in.  

50: PATHOLOGIST: One who makes or maintains paths.

51: BRANCH MANAGER:  A Gardener who trims Trees and Hedges

52: FAITH:  Faith is trying to believe in something you can’t believe in.  

52: NIL ILLIGITIMUS  CARBORUNDUM:  Don’t let the bastards wear .you down.  

53: PANIC:  In a Nunnery when Mother Superior finds a toilet seat up !!

54: PROPHET: Money made on a transaction. Usually expressed as a percentage.

55: MYTH: A Female Moth, , , or a Young Girl with a lisp.  .

56: MISFIRE: An unmarried female full of vigor.

57: MISCONCEPTION: A person whose Mother missed giving birth to her child.

58: MIRAGE: When a man and a woman are joined together in Holy Acrimony.

59: EJECTION: This is a button on a seat that should NEVER be pressed if you are ever invited into the cock-pit of a Boeing 707 during a Trans-Atlantic flight.

60: AFFLUENT: Someone who has just flown in an aeroplane, or has just recovered  from the Flu’

61. DEPEND: The opposite end to the shallow end.

62: PRIVATE  PARTS: The screws or rivets needed to affix a “PRIVATE’ label to an office door.  

 63: PHYSIOTHERAPIST:  The man who puts the Fizz into Coke.

64: RATIFY: To get rid of Mice in Building .

65: PRODUCT: A Professional’s Passageway.

66: OVERCAST:  Too many players in the act!!   Or:-  You Cast your Fishing Line too far beyond where all the fish are!!

67: PRECONCEIVED IDEA:  An idea conceived before it was even thought of

68: HERMETICALLY SEALED: Sealed up by a Hermit.

69: MARMITE:  But Father wouldn’t !!!

70: DYNAMITE:  Dina might but Harry wouldn’t !!!

71: DISCONCERTING:  A disruption during a Concert..

72: LICENSE: Telling a lie sensibly so that it sounds very convincing.

73: TRIGONOMETRY: The study of pulling the trigger faster than your opponent. is able to do when dueling with pistols.  

74PALMISTRY: The History of Palm Trees.

75: DEMONSTRATE: A reformed Demon now going Straight.

76: MANIFOLD: A Wrestling Hold whereby my opponent is folded in half.  

77: LACKADAISICAL: A lawn stripped of its Daisies.

78:CONTENT:  What Connie sleeps in when she goes camping.

79: SAVIOUR:  A very thrifty person                    

80: DELIVER  The act of removing someone’s  Liver..

81: VESTED INTERESTS:  Being very interested in different kinds of men’s underwear.

82: INVESTITURE CHEST:  Wear a Vest and Itch your Chest

83: IN ABSTENTIA: An employee who works in an ABSA Bank.

84: LESBIAN: An inhabitant of Lesotho.

85: EMPORIUM: A place where hard- up Emperors live when they are too poor to live in their castles.

86: COALITION  GOVERNMENT:  The GoverningBody of CoalMine.

87:AFFIRMATIVE  ACTION:  Nodding one’s head in agreement

88: ANTIQUE:  A person who is dead against being in a queue.

89: UNIQUE: A lot of people made to form only one single queue.

90: PROPENSITY: preference for using a Pen rather than a pencil when in the City.

91: ALTERNATIVE: Convert a Cannibal.

92: ALTERATION: A change of one’s Ration

93: MANDATE: Going out on a Datewith a Man. And:, , ,  Not  Female, but the Male version of a fruit called a Date…

94: NOBILITY: The art of being able to turn a Knob with greasy fingers or wearing woolly gloves.

95: SQUANDER: Wander around the Town Square.

96 MATRICULTE:  Having successfully done a Trick on a Mat when you are Late.

97: SOUND ADVICE: Training in Singing and Speaking properly.

98: MAMMOTH:  A Moths Mother.

99: TRUSTING: When you find out that something is actually ‘True, there is very often a ‘Sting to it !!.

100: MANAGE: The Age of a Male Human Being.

101: DIAGNOSIS: Measuring the ‘Diameter’ of a circle by using the ‘Nose’ of  your ‘Sister’  to sniff out the length of the path from side to side (Note:The path must go through the Centre).

102: CONNOISSEUR: Connie lives in a Sewer.

103: REPRESENTATIVE: A Rep who resents things all the time.

104: DEFENCE: To remove a Fence.

105: DEMOTE: To remove  Dust Motes in Carpets.

106: DEVOTION: Cancel your Vote, after you have already voted.

107: DECANTER: Fall off a Horse when it changes from a trot into a Canter.

107: DECIDER: Spitting out a mouthful of Cider.

109: DECOCTION: A rude slang word for ‘Castration”.

110: DISCOVER: The paper or plastic Cover that houses a Compact Disc or a D.V.D.

111: TRANSCRIPT: A Letter written on a means of transport.

112: TRANSDUCER: A Two-Timer on a means of transport.

113: TRANSPOSE: Pose for a camera when on a means of transport.

114: TRANSLATE: The Bus is Late

115: TRANSMUTE: A Deaf and Dumb Man on a means of trans[port.

116: TRANSPORT: Carry a Glass of  Port from one room to another.

117: TRANSFORM: Carry a Form from one room to another

118:TRANSFORMER: Change ‘er bad habits into good ones.

119: TRANSISTOR: Meet a friend’s  Sister on a means of transport.

120 ISOLATE: Said by Farmers that Sow in April when they should have sown in March. Or:  Said by someone who is Late for a Date.

121: PERSPEX:   Spectacles worn by a Fruit. Or:   An abbreviation for  “Pair of Spectacles

122: HOMEOPATH: A Pathway leading to your Home.

123: OPTICIAN: A Technician trained to carry out Operations..

124: LAZER: A person who is Lazy.

125: LAZER BEAM: A Beam that Lazy people sit on.

126: PARTICLES:  Pa   Tickles  you.

127: ELECTRICITY GRID:  An Electrically illuminated Manhole.

128: SHORT CIRCUIT: A very small Circular Race Track.  

129: PATENT:  A Tent  at the entrance to a Circus where you Pay for admission.

130: ICE CREAM:  What I do if a Mouse runs up the inside of my Trouser Leg.

131: RING WORM: Telephone an Insect.

132: MAN EATING TIGER:  What you might see when a successful Game Hunter has his Supper.

133:  MOTH WITH A LISP TEARING  AROUND A CANDLE:   “Sterling Moth” !!!.

134: TAILOR: Someone who can trim a Dog’s Tail effectively.

135: CANOPY: A Bucket of Urine.

136: BISHOP:  A Shop that sells Bicycles. OR:-  Two adjacent Shops that have been combined into one.  

137: BEETROOT:  Flog that part of a plant that goes into the soil.

138: FURLONG: An Animal with exceptionally long fur.

139: ORGANIC: Appertaining to Organists and Organs

140: BENIGN:  To be one year older that eight, , , , but one year younger than ten.

141: TOUCAN: Can do it faster than OneCan, , , but slower than ThreeCan.

142: MINUTE SECRETARY:  An exceedingly tiny Shorthand Typist

143: PRUDENT: A Prune with a Dentin it !!

144: MIDDLESEX: Having Sex in Mid -Morning or in the Middle of the night !! OR:- A Scottish Regiment, ,, because they can’t be men as they wear skirts , , ,   and they can’t be women because they have hairy legs !!!

145: ANGELIC: Appearance of an Angel after he had flown into a Jelly !!

146: TOPICAL” When the Top is Tickled

147: PROCEEDED: A Professional Gardener has planted seeds.

148: INTENSITIES: When one has been:-  in Ten   Cities.

149: SOFISTICATION:  Being  So handy with his Fists!!

150 :GERMOLENE:  A Germ that attacks Thin People

151: IMPAIRED:  When selecting Partners for a Game , , He has been Paired off

152: SEASONED WARRIOR: A soldier who survived Mustard Gas or a Pepper Spray.

153: COFFEE: The person upon whom one coughs

154: FLABBERGASTED: Aghast at the amount of flabbier one has put on.

155: NEGLIGENT: When a gentleman answer the door in his nightgown.

156: GARGOYLE:  An Olive-Oil  flavored gargle mouth-wash.

157: BALDERDASH:  A rapidly receding hairline.

158: OVERHEAD CRANE:  A large bird flying at a great height.

159: MASTIFF: Mother has Arthritis.

160: EXAMPLE: No longer plentiful., , , OR:-  Plenty of eggs.

161: EXPOSES: No longer poses for pictures for adverts

162:  EXCLAIM: No longer makes a claim.

163 : EXPRESS: No longer works for a Newspaper

164:  EXTENSION: No longer under tension.

165: EXACT: No longer an Actor or an Actress.

166: EXPUNGES: No longer Sponges down in the Shower.

167: EXTEND: No longer looks after Sheep.

168: EXAM: No longer eats Ham.

169: EXAMINE: No longer works down a Mine.

170: EXPLAIN: Now living on a Mountain.

171:  PALMISTRY: A Tropical Tree’s Life Story..

172: PSYCHIC: Give a big sigh just before you kick somebody.

173 : ORBITUARY:  A bit of a path that the Earth makes around the Sun

174:  DECIDER: Dee drink made wid dee Fermented Apples.

175:  And here now is a bunch of Medical terms , , , ,  , ,

Antibody…………………………….  -Against everyone.

Artery ……………………………….. -The study of Paintings

Bacteria……………………………..  -Back door of a cafeteria

.BloodVessel:……………………   A Bloody Ship.

Caesarean Section……………      – A district inRome.

Cardiology………………………..    -A study of PokerPlaying.

Castrate…………………………   .When fishing, don’t cast all cock-eyed.

CatScan……………………………   -Searching for fleas on a kitty..

Coma………………………………..   -Punctuation mark.

Cortisone………………………..      – The Area around a Court.

Cyst………………………………….   -Short for Sister.

Flatulence……………………        The Ambulance that picks you up after you are run over by a Steamroller

Diagnosis………………………..     -Person with Slanted Diagonal Nose.

Dilate……………………………….   –  Diana.is late for a meeting

Dislocation……………………..       -In  this place.

Duodenum………………………      – A Couple in blue jeans.

Enema……………………………..    – The very opposite of a friend.

Genes………………………………    -Blue denim,,,,(or:-Belongs to Jean)

Hernia……………………………..   -She is close by.

LabourPain…………………..    –    Hurt at work.

Lactose…….  …………………….   -People without toes.

Lymph……………………………..  -To walk with a lisp.

Microbe……..  …………………..   – A Small Dressing Gown.

Obesity……………………………  -City of Obe.

Prostate…………………………. A  Professional States something.

Proteins…………………………… -In favour of teens. .

Red Blood Count..  ………….   -Dracula.

Tablet……………………………….-A Small Table.

Testicle ………………………..   A  humorous question in an exam.

Varicose…………………………..-   Very close

 

176: SCABBARD: A Hard Scab over a sore..

177:  LOAFING: The act of eating a piece of Bread.

178: MARCHING: The Mother of a Chinaman called   “Ching”.

179: SYNDROME:  Committing a sin in an Italian City.

180: SYNDICATES:  A Minister or Priest indicates areas of sin in one’s life.

181 : MACULAR DEGENERATION:  A medical term for Masculine decline.

182: IMMACULATE CONCEPTION: A spotlessly pure Idea or Notion.

183: CELL PHONES: What prisoners in jail use to call one another.

184: PSYCHOPATHS: Paths that Mediums use,

185: NERVOUS WRECK: A Shipwreck with Neurotic Twitching.

186  ARSENIC: Poisoned by sitting on a Razor Blade!

187: SINGLET: A Child Soprano

188: HAMLET: A small Village specializing in rearing Piglets.

189: DIELECRTRIC: To be Electrocuted.

190: DIALOGUE: Kill a Tree Trunk.

191: PARKINSON’S DISEASE:  ‘Sunburn’ when you sit too long in the sun.

192:  MENOPAUSE: Men who pause for breath

193: MENTION: Men standing to attention.

194: IMPLIES: A Mischievous Spirit telling Fibs.

195: IMPART: Paintings and Drawings done by a Mischievous Spirit.

196: BABOON: A Baby that, perhaps one day,  is born on the Moon !!

197: BALLOON: A Ball designed to be played on the Moon (This would be ten times heavier than an earth ball to prevent it from floating off into outer space!!).

198: BELONG: The opposite of “Be Short”

199: ALARM: Alfred’s Arm

200: ALABASTER: Alfred is a Bastard!!

201: CUSTODIANS:  A Society whose Members have a Long Tradition for a liking of Custard.

202: HOOPOE: Sorry folks, please excuse the smell, , , it was me !!

203: ADAMANT:  A darn Ant !!

204: ADMINISTER: Add on another Parson.

205: CELIBATE: Hold a very big Party when you have decided to give up sex.

206: CATALYST: A Cat walking with a slant.

207: CALCULUS: An illogical  Conjuring Trick that performs what logical Mathematics  cannot do!!

208: MASSAGE:  A huge crowd of people who have grown old.

209: TESTIMONIALS: The little moans given when students open their exam papers and see the questions! OR:- The moaning sound made by Testicles in pain!!

210:  FLABBERGASTED: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

211:  WILLY NILLY:  What an impotent male has.

212:  NEGLIGENT:  ;A man absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightdress.

213: LYMPH:  To walk with a lisp.

214: GARGOIL:  To Gargle with Olive Oil.

.215:: BALDERDSH:  A rapidly receding hairline. ;

216: CIRUMVENT: A n opening in the front of Boxer Shorts worn by Jewish men.

217: PARSIMONIOUS: A Minister moaning about something or other.

218: PERCENTAGE: A Pear starts to smell as it gets old.

219: PRODUCER: A Professional Two-Timer.

220: PRETENDER: Put in a Tender to Government Departments prior to competitors.

221: PROCEED: A Professional Seed Supplier.

222: TRANSDUCER: A Two-Timer using email or crossing the Atlantic.

223: MANDATE: A Man having a Date.

224:  FELAPTON:  This is NOT a joke and, as such, should not really be in this Document.   ‘Felapton’ is not in the Shorter Oxford Dictionary (but it IS included in the Complete Oxford Dictionary).  If you want to confuse anybody or impress them, here it is , , , ,

 A  “FELAPTON”  is a mnemonic word to represent a syllogistic argument in the third figure, in which there is one universal negative and one universal affirmative premise and a particular negative conclusion.

(That’s enough now Poppa !!!!)

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END OF ‘DAFFY  DEFINITIONS’

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS THE EXTREME DANGERS OF MARGARINE AND HYDROGENATED OILS

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS THE EXTREME  DANGERS OF MARGARINE AND HYDROGENATED OILS!! 

 

Saved as  “Website-MARGARINE Dangers.doc”

 

Hi Folks, , , I would like to reveal, AS A MATTER OF URGENCY,  the EXTREME dangers of Margarine, and, indeed, ANY foods that have been ‘Hydrogenated’.

 The following information was take off the Internet by me from GOOGLE SEARCH: “Dangers of Margarine” , , , , (some of the information in the links were found to be duplicated).  I have edited them all into my own particular style of writing.

 INTRODUCTION , , , , AND A LITTLE BIT OF SCIENCE       

So, , , , what is all this guff about ‘Hydrogenation’ ? , , , , Let me explain, , , In order to make any oils , such as Margarine Oil suitable for use at room temperatures so that it becomes a solid, and not a liquid oil,  HYDROGEN is pumped into the oil at a very high temperature. This has the effect of raising its melting point so that it remains a solid at normal room temperatures, but goes back into liquid oil when the temperature goes up. The process is called is called “HYDROGENATION”.

(I wonder if they could do this process with petrol or paraffin to make a ‘jellied’ block to be used in Stoves. Lamps and Fire Lighters etc.: ???!!).

This, however, forms TRANS-FATTY-ACIDS, known as “TRANSFAT”, and nothing clogs your Arteries better than these!!!  In addition to this, is has TOXIC EFFECTS on your system.

Toxins hide away permanently in your system and can attack you years and years into the future when your resistance is low and you least expect it.  So go right ahead, use it and die !!!!!!. (From “Personal and Finance” magazine several years ago).  

 

A FURTHER  SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION

Here is a bit more science, , ,  When two atoms of GASEOUS (i.e. Higher Vibration) Hydrogen are chemically combined with one atom of GASEOUS (i.e. Higher Vibration) Oxygen, the outcome is a condensed molecule of LIQUID (i.e. Lower Vibration) WATER. (Chemical Formula H2 0).      (Yes! We knew that!).

So, by the same token, when two atoms of Hydrogen are chemically combined with OILY (i.e. Higher Vibration) MARGARINE, the outcome is a condensed molecule of  SOLID (i.e. Lower Vibration) MARGARINE. , , , , , , (Gosh! We never thought of that !!)  

 If the room temperature should shoot up, (i.e. To a Higher Vibration), as in hot weather, the Lower Vibration state of the SOLID  “Marge” is then turned back into Higher Vibration OIL, just as Lower Vibration ICE is turned back into Higher Vibration WATER when temperatures shoot up above Zero Degrees Centigrade (i.e. “Freezing point”).”

A HORROR STORY !!!

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys.  When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted to recover this, so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this useless product in order to do this.  So they decided to sell it to human beings instead with a few modifications.   (WOW  OH WOW !!!)

It was still a white unappetizing substance with no food appeal so they added yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter.  How do you like that !

(YOU MUST BE KIDDING !!!) .

 

 

NOW FOR A LOT OF EXTREME DANGERS  TO YOUR HEALTH !!!                  

From the Internet ‘NaturalNews.com’ ‘Dangers of Hydrogenated Oils revealed in new downloaded report (Press Release), , , , , , , , ,              

Just how bad is this ingredient for your health? Consider this list of detrimental health effects caused by hydrogenated oils, published in this report:

  • Directly promotes heart disease
  • Promotes cancers: breast cancer, prostate cancer, colon cancer
  • Results in low birth weight in infants
  • Raises LDL (bad) cholesterol and lower HDL (good) cholesterol
  • Raises blood sugar levels and promotes weight gain
  • Interferes with the absorption of essential fatty acids and DHA
  • Impairs brain function and damages brain cells
  • Accelerates tumor growth
  • Accelerates the progress of type-2 diabetes
  • Raises serum cholesterol
  • Impairs immune system functions
  • Promotes  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
  • Impairs development of the brains of fetuses
  • Causes gall bladder diseases
  • Causes liver diseases
  • Caused 30,000 deaths per year in the United States alone
  • Clogs blood, makes blood cells stick together
  • Blocks the body’s creation of natural pain-reducing hormones (Eicosanoids)
  • Causes the creation of free radicals that promote inflammation
  • Creates nutritional deficiencies of healthy oils and Essential Fatty Acids (EFAs)
  • Promotes cystic fibrosis
  • Lowers essential fatty acids in the breast milk of nursing mothers
  • Clogs artery walls and promotes atherosclerosis
  • Cause gum disease and rotting teeth
  • Lowers tissue oxygen intake
  • Causes infertility
  • Directly damages blood vessels
  • Causes high blood pressure
  • Weakens cell walls and compromises cellular structure
  • Causes dandruff and acne

(Would you like some more ??!!)

BUTTER ON THE OTHER HAND , , , AND A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.

Butter on the other hand is derived in its solid form straight away by churning milk.

I had personal experience of this whilst living on a Farm without electricity in the Welsh mountains for over 6 years during World War 2.   We had to make butter by turning a large barrel of milk, hinged in the middle with a protruding handle. (you could hear the milk sloshing around inside) . I spent many back- breaking hours turning that ruddy handle !!!

A GOOD TIP FOR EATING AND USING BUTTER

Put some Butter in a covered Butter Dish, on the table, or wherever, ready for use. This will keep it nice and soft, making it easy to spread.  But have a back-up packet in the Refrigerator, ready for topping up your Butter Dish.  Finally, keep a good stock in the Deep Freeze.

 

HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

Margarine is but ONLY ONE MOLECULE away from being a PLASTIC… and shares 27 ingredients with PAINT

These facts alone should have you avoiding margarine for the rest of your life !!!

Also keep miles away from ANY form of Hydrogenated food, as explained above. Claims on packets and in adverts that they are healthy are blatant dangerous lies!!!

HERE, TO END WITH, IS THE FINAL INDISPUTABLE PROOF

If you leave a tub of margarine open in your garage or a shaded area, , , ,within a week or so, you will notice that no flies, not even those pesky little fruit flies will go anywhere near it (that should tell you something !!). 
  It does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value, so nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weenie green and white fluffy microorganisms that attack ANY food, will not a find a home on which to grow.    Why?   Because it is nearly all plastic !!!.    (Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?).

 CONCLUSION

Have I convinced you ??  If not, go right ahead then, and eat your paint , , and die !!!

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poppahowarddavies

POPPA HOWARD QUESTIONS   MACINTOSH / APPLE   VERSUS  WINDOWS  COMPUTERS. 

 

Saved as  “Website-MacintoshComputers.doc”

 

Hi Folks, , ,

What is the difference between , , ,(no, this isn’t a Riddle), , ,  (but on the other hand, perhaps it is!!), , , a Macintosh  / Apple Computer and a Microsoft Windows ditto?

A LITTLE BIT OF MY OWN HISTORY IN THE WORLD OF COMPUTERS

For years and years, I worked solely with Microsoft Windows Computers. I wouldn’t even consider looking at a Macintosh, a lot of rubbish, so I was told,  ,,  ,, which just goes to show how successful  anti-Mac propaganda really is.

I started off as a real ‘Computer Wiz Kid’ with a ‘Commodore 64’ (that had a whopping big 64 KILO BYTE  Hard Drive !!)., , , ,I could write my own ‘Basic;’ Programs and teach others how to use a Computer.  How things have…

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POPPA HOWARD QUESTIONS MACINTOSH / APPLE VERSUS WINDOWS COMPUTERS

Standard

POPPA HOWARD QUESTIONS   MACINTOSH / APPLE   VERSUS  WINDOWS  COMPUTERS. 

 

Saved as  “Website-MacintoshComputers.doc”

 

Hi Folks, , ,

What is the difference between , , ,(no, this isn’t a Riddle), , ,  (but on the other hand, perhaps it is!!), , , a Macintosh  / Apple Computer and a Microsoft Windows ditto?

A LITTLE BIT OF MY OWN HISTORY IN THE WORLD OF COMPUTERS

For years and years, I worked solely with Microsoft Windows Computers. I wouldn’t even consider looking at a Macintosh, a lot of rubbish, so I was told,  ,,  ,, which just goes to show how successful  anti-Mac propaganda really is.

I started off as a real ‘Computer Wiz Kid’ with a ‘Commodore 64’ (that had a whopping big 64 KILO BYTE  Hard Drive !!)., , , ,I could write my own ‘Basic;’ Programs and teach others how to use a Computer.  How things have changed, how the mighty are fallen !!    I now have to go to my Grandchildren to solve all my computer problems!!!

THE ADVANTAGES OF AN APPLE / MAC’  COMPUTER

Anyway, getting back to the thorny question of an Apple thrown through an open  Window, , , , After battling with a  particular very annoying Windows program on which I had spent hours and hours trying to solve, and then it locked up my computer for a whole day whilst  it was downloading something I did not require !!!, , , , Justin, my Grandson-in- law (i.e. my daughter Angela’s  daughter Christy’s  husband) , asked me how I would I like a computer that, , , , , ,

(a) Loads up programs IMMEDIATELY you press a couple of Keys

(b) Goes onto the Internet or onto your email work-page IMMEDIATELY you press a couple of keys.

(c) OUTSIDE VIRUS ATTACK IS ELIMINATED JUST ABOUT ALTOGETHER, conversely, you cannot infect anyone else with a Virus , , thus saving you a fortune in money and hours of time, to say nothing of annoying other people with virus-infected programs!!.

(d) It is FULLY SELF-SUPPORTING, as it has dozens of exciting goodies. either built-in or as Mackintosh ‘Add-ons’.   So you don’t have to download lots of other rubbishy (possibly virus infected) programs off the Internet. (If you are stupid enough to do this, however, you can’t blame Mac’ if you introduce a virus or ‘gum up the works’!! ).

(f) Plays music at the touch of a single Key.

(g) You don’t need a separate ‘Explorer’ type of ’program as in Window’s to move files and programs around, you JUST DO IT then and there, straight away, simply with Drag and Drop.

(h) It has the option of announcing the time on the hour

(i) A built-in camera will take your picture and save it at the touch of a couple of keys.

(j)  A built-in Camera Capture Program for instantly  down-loading editing, saving and printing your camera pics’.

(k)  It has an amazing ADDRESS BOOK that has a whole page for each entry, onto which you can record name & postal address, telephone number, cell phone number, email address and comments.  It will also print out a visiting card from these details, and when you want to send an email, you only have to type in the first 3 letters of a name in the ‘Send’ Strip, and Mac’ will then sniff out the email address from the Address Book !!

(l) You are not going to believe this, , ,Highlight text TO HAVE IT READ BACK TO YOU , ,  , You can adjust speed, pitch and even select readers !!!

From the above, you can see that you have everything you can possibly need, (and I have only just scratched the surface!!) so you don’t, therefore, have to down-load a lot of unnecessary outside (possibly dangerous!) junk !!

 

THERE CAN’T POSSIBLY BE SUCH AN ANNIMAL !!!

I said ”I don’t believe there is such an animal. I would give my back teeth for a Computer that did even half of all that”.  So Justin said “Well you had better make an appointment with your Dentist, because an Apple Computer will do all this and tons more!!!”

IN FOR A PENNY, IN FOR A POUND, , , I GOT ONE !!!

So to cut a very long story short, in for a penny in for a pound, ,  , ,I  invested in a 21 inch Desk Top iMac Computer, and I have never regretted it, even though, at R11,000,  it is about three times the price of a Windows computer. This is one of the adverse criticisms of buying a Mac’. Other criticisms are totally unfounded but someone, somewhere, has done a mighty good job of letting poor old Mac’s tires down !!!!

CONCLUSION

I should have changed to Apple years ago.  If I had done this, I would have saved myself an absolute fortune in Anti-Vitus programs to say nothing of the hours spent running them. I also think of the hours wasted, waiting for programs and the Internet to load up., , , , Windows has a lot to  learn from Apple !!!

So my conclusion, , , buy yourself an Apple- Mackintosh Computer, and you, also, will never regret it.

Other Computer users will also thank you for not sending them viruses !!

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