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Astrology questioned

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS WHY 60% OF THE WORLD’S RAILROAD TRACTS ARE EXACTLY 4 FEET 8 1/2 INCHES APART

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INTRODUCTION

You are not going to believe this, , , , but over 60% of the world’s Railroad Tracks are exactly 4 feet 8 ½ inches (1,435 metres) apart and this is based on the width of the backsides of two Ancient Roman Horses !!! , , , ,  Unbelievable??  Well then ,  read on and weep , , , , , ,

 

THE ROMANS INVADED ENGLAND IN 55 B.C.

When the Romans invaded England in 55 B.C. they crisscrossed England in their Chariots pulled by two horses, side by side. The distance between the wheels and the grooves they made, were exactly 4 feet 8 ½ inches. When they finally left, these grooves remained and English Coaches had to adjust to these or they skidded out of control. Thus they were set for all time. 

 

THE FIRST STEAM VEHICLE

The first Steam Powered Road Vehicle appeared in 1801 A.D.  This was Richard Trevithick’s “THE PUFFING DEVIL” (and of course it had to comply with the 4 feet 8 ½ inch wide tracks or skid out of control). There had to be a “Fireman” on board to keep the boiler going, and he was called by the French name “CHAU FEUR”.  This name has stuck right up to the present day, as you already know.

 

THE FIRST INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE VEHICLE

In 1826 A.D.  Samuel Brown followed suit with the first Internal Combustion Engine Road Vehicle that he drove up “Shooters Hill” in South East London.  Subsequently, “The Locomotive Act for Self Propelled Vehicles on Public Roads of 1865”  was proclaimed  (where  a man with a Red Flag had to lead the way !!).  A  Scientific Journal at that time also proved beyond any shadow of  doubt that if the Human Body travelled at over 20 miles per hour, its head would drop off.

 

STEEL TRACKS

Running on Steel Tracks came much later, but by then, the distance between the wheels was well and truly entrenched at 4 feet 8 ½ inches.  Remember too, that at that time, England had very strong world wide influence, hence this 4 feet thingy quickly spread to other countries.

 

ONLY  A  ’LEGEND’ ??

Some say that all this is only a “Legend” and that the distance between the wheels was set by Hand Carts. , , , But I don’t go along with this, as there would be no form of ‘Standardization’ throughout the country in those days (and there was no sophisticated communication like we have today).  Also, Hand Carts would form only a very small percentage of all the road traffic users, and then not on the main roads anyway.

 

 

 

BUT OF COURSE, EINSTEIN WAS RESPONSIBLE !!!

But of course, , ,  , this exacting distance was arrived at by Einstein on his Laptop using  a Microsoft Program !!!!!!

 

CONCLUSION

So there you have it! folks!!! , , , , ,  , You make your own choice.

I think I have got my dates and facts right, but these are readily verified from dozens of reference books or on the Internet. (but you just might have a little  bit of difficulty trying to find out if Einstein was responsible !!!)

 

 

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS ALL ABOUT THE BODY FACTORY

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS ALL ABOUT THE
THE BODY FACTORY (What REALLY goes on inside!)

Ref: “Web THE BODY FACTORY.doc”

1: INTRODUCTION
Although written humorously, the following follows the amazing sequences and organization that actually goes on continuously in our bodies at a cellular and molecular level. It is so unbelievable but true, that it could surely have only been designed and put into operation by some super super super super ‘Intelligence’, not so?? No prizes for guessing what or who, , , , but ask any sincere Religious Person, and they will give you a good clue!!!

Some of the concepts may be entirely new to some of us, such as “Where does a Vitamin or Supplement pill know just where exactly to go where it is desperately needed? How can it possibly have a ‘Road Map?” (This question is again asked and answered in a summary at the end of this write-up).

Here now is the perfect answer in detail to this very puzzling little riddle! , , , , , , , , ,

2: THE MOUTH
So let’s start off at the single entrance door leading into the “Reception Area”. This is quite ingenious because this is the ONLY way that food can come into the body (apart, of course, from an Intra- Thingamabob- Drip). Having done so, the food receives treatment as outline below:-

In the Entrance Hall, all incoming items are inspected and dealt with by a Mr. TUTH who operates a preliminary chopping machine. Any unwelcome items are ejected by means of a powerful Air Compressor (operated by a Mr.SPITZ).

There is also a tiny extraction plant just inside the main entrance. This plant extracts all different kinds of Beneficial Nutrients that other parts of the Digestive System can’t handle. This is run by a Mr. BEN. E. FISHAL from TONGART. (EATING TIP: If you don’t chew foods properly, designed for this purpose, you may as well pour them straight down the Toilet, thus saving the rest of your body from a lot of unnecessary trouble!!)

3: THE THROAT
When totally satisfied, these gentlemen then hand everything over to a Mr. SWALLOW who operates a chute that sends all the chopped up ‘mush’ down to a large cavern run by a chap everyone calls TOMMY.

4: THE STOMACH
Tommy is in charge of several machines and devices, the main one being a Fine Grinding Machine operated by a Mr.MILLER who gets his grinding materials from small hard particles in the incoming ‘mush’ that comes down the chute.

The finished (now much finer) concoction is then put into a Tank of extremely strong Alkali Liquid, this having been manufactured in a different part of the factory run by a Mr.BILES.

5: THE BLOOD STREAM
A tubular canal carrying red liquid runs through all the departments and divisions of the body factory (and a bloody good canal it is too!). Tommy then loads different Beneficial Nutrients extracted by a number of Extraction Machines and Filters (also under his control) into little barges that are then carried away by the bloody strong current of the canal (please excuse the swearing !).

6: THE HEART
The liquid flowing in the canal is pumped around the body by a Pumping Station run by a Mr.HARTMAN from HART-BEESPOORT. As this is one of the major function in the body, it deservers special attention. Most people think Mr.Hartman has only one Pump-House, but in actual fact HE HAS TWO ENTIRELY SEPARATE ONES that are fused together but they both act in harmony with each other. Let’s look at each one in turn:-.

The LEFT-HAND Pump-House pumps blood from the Lungs where it has been considerably enriched with oxygen from inhaled air. It has bright red colouring because of this (medically named ‘Hemoglobin’). It then goes through the entire body by means of little tubes called VEINS.

During its peregrinations through the body, the blood obviously becomes impoverished of oxygen and is loaded with Carbon Dioxide that has been excreted by the individual cells. This gives it quite a bluish tinge. This is where the RIGHT HAND SIDE Pump-House comes into its own, as it now sucks this impoverished blood back from the body via large tubes called ARTERIES and then sucks it into the lungs where the nasty old Carbon Dioxide Gas is expelled. The Lungs then recharge the blood with a fresh supply of fresh Oxygen from the outside air. (and off we then go again for ‘Round 2’)

7: THE INTESTINES
After Tommy has done all he can in his division, what residue is left over is sent down a further chute into another part of the factory consisting of a mighty long corridor called THE INTESTINES. As it passes along this corridor, further nourishment is extracted by a completely different process involving hundreds of miniature little dogs called BACTERIA (nick-named ‘BARK TERRIERS’). This process is supervised by a Mr. GUTMAN.

8: THE BOWELS
After all the foregoing operations have been completed, there is nothing much of any value left in the residue and it goes down a further chute to a Storage Depot, called THE BOWELS, awaiting export (Run by a Mr. BOWLS). An unappetizing coloured die is now added to the residue so that the outside world will recognize it as something without any nourishment and hardly worth eating again. This colouring process is handled by a Mr. BROWN.

In a corner of Mr. Brown’s workshop there is a Large Tank where any ‘Liquid Run-Off’’ is stored. This is handled by a Mr. PEENAAR.

In the furthest corner of Mr. Brown’s division, well out of the way of everyone else, is where the obnoxious gases that come of the residue are collected, stored then expelled with considerable force to the outside world by means of a very powerful compressor. This is operated by a retired Anglican Priest by name of FARTER WINDLEY from POOF-ADDER. Sometimes he will get an urgent telephone message from Brian (see below under ”THE BRAIN”), , , “Cool it, we have company!”
The really clever part, however, is this: The various chaps described above also require nourishment or they would starve, so they are allowed to help themselves from the barges as they pass through their divisions (as the VEINS have thousands of branches that go to every single part of the body). They also help themselves to lubricants for their machines so that these do not seize up. (Ingeniously designed by something or someone , , , , Hey What?!).

There are, in fact, other divisions in the factory far too numerous to describe here. For instance there is a large machine that does a complicated operation run by a chap from LIVER-POOL, not forgetting a chap called SYDNEY (but he insists that the “S’ is pronounced as “K” , , , as his Father had loose dentures and whistled all his “S’s” which annoyed everybody intensely).

9: THE BRIAN
Incidentally, all these operators do not do their jobs haphazardly but they are all very carefully organized and controlled by the HEAD of the factory, who everyone fondly calls BRIAN.

10: THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
Brian sends all his instructions from HEAD Office via an Electrical Wiring and Telephone System that runs through every single part of the factory. This is maintained by a NERD called “VUS” (short for “Vuskowski “). Everybody therefore calls this Wiring / Telephone system “THE NERD- VUS” SYSTEM”.

11: THE CELLS
I have been saving the most important and the most intriguing item until last, namely the humble CELL. (Correction!!, , Certainly NOT ‘HUMBLE’ as without it, we not even exist!!).
All this next bit is not part of the joke, by the way, but is EXTREMELY serious and important.

a: Each cell is a microscopic spec (many thousand of them would fit on a needle point with tons of room to spare) and are made up of MOLECULES which are, in turn made up of ATOMS. (If you think that a Molecule is small, you should just see an ATOM. But you would need your glasses, as it would be like a Flea flying around in Westminster Abbey !!!).

b: One BASIC CELL is ‘Programmed ‘ (Like in a Computer) to turn itself into a Heart Tissue or Brain Tissue or Muscle, or Skin and so on, , , and even to form our bodies, OR EVEN AN ANIMAL !! This is done with our DNA. This is a 6 feet long thingamajig that is tightly coiled into each of the One Hundred Trillion cells that make up our bodies, and each one of them can manufacture 20,500 different kinds of Proteins (i.e. ’BODY BRICKS’). A Computer type of 4 Digit Code is used to ‘Program’ their actions comprised of the ‘letters’ A, G, ,C, T, namely ‘ADENINE’, ‘GUANINE, ‘CYTOSINE’ and ‘THYMINE. (compare this to a Computer’s 2- Digit Code or our 26- Digit Alphabet Code). To build just one Protein, you would need about 2,000 of these ‘Cellular Letters’. (If you think what modern miracles a Computer can do with only just 2 Code-Letters {On and Off}, just think what miracles a cell can do with twice as many ‘ Code-Letters’!!!).
(DANGER NOTICE: If anything ever went wrong with your DNA ‘Coding Program’, you could end up being programmed into an Elephant!!) (Same with a Computer, , , namely: ”Rubbish in, , , Rubbish out?!!).

c: A Basic Cell also contains a little Molecule used to SHUNT LIQUIDS AROUND OUR BODIES. It is like a little boat with a kind of propeller and motor that turns at 10,000 Revs Per Minute (RPM). (I am told that one of our fastest RPM machines today is the Honda Car Turbo engine that can get up to only about 8,000 RPM). But now just listen to this, , , IT CAN STOP AND GO INTO REVERSE IN JUST ONE QUARTER OF A REVOLUTION. With all our modern technology and expertize, we could never ever hope to match this in a month of Sundays !! (Now work that one out if you can !!!).

Incidentally, all the above technical information was taken from Lee Strobel’s book “THE CASE FOR A CREATOR” where he proves God scientifically, , , a MUST read.

12: CONCLUSION
All in all, Brian does an excellent job. As I said in my ‘INTRODUCTION’ , , sometimes it is asked in the outside world “When you take a pill, how does it know where to go and what to do?”

So now, in summary, you know, namely, a pill completely bypasses the two gentlemen in the Entrance Hall, then it goes down Mr. Swallow’s chute, gets dissolved and extracted by Tommy who then puts the goodies in one of the little barges on the bloody canal. When they pass the spot where they are desperately required, someone is sure to shout out ”AH!!, , , Here comes EXACTLY just what I need” and grabs ‘em!! ==== What could be more simple?!!

But to end on a serious note , , , I hope that this little article has, perhaps, stopped and made you think that it all must surely have been designed and put together by some super super super super ‘Intelligence’ and not just by some ‘Freakish Random Accidents’ !!!

(Extracted from my “The Gospel According to Poppa Howard”).

P.S. You have my full permission to Distribute, Edit or Extract anything from the above.

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END OF DOCUMENT

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS SOME SECRET TRUTHS ABOUT HUSBANDS,WIVES & SWEETHEARTS

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS SOME SECRET TRUTHS ABOUT HUSBANDS, WIVES AND SWEETHEARTS.

Saved as: ”Website-Husbands Wives etc.doc”

Some of the following are possibly very near to the truth, and the ‘culprits’ would undoubtedly wish them to be kept secret !!!

1: A LOVE LETTER, , , ,
My Dearest Darling,
For you, my Darling, I would swim shark-infested waters.
For you, my Darling, I would scale the highest peaks.
For you, my Darling, I would face wild beasts unarmed.
For you, my Darling I would face torture and death, unflinchingly.

Love and kisses, x x x x x x x ,

Yours adoring sweetheart

Lover-Boy.

P.S. Oh, by the way, I’ll come and see you next week on your Birthday, providing it doesn’t look as if it’s going to rain.

2: Says a Car Driver , , , ”I kept meeting my Girl-Friend at Intersexions”

3: I was seeing a beautiful girl regularly for over a month, , , , , but then I lost my binoculars!!!

4: My girl friend complained that I should be far more affectionate, , , So I got myself two more girl friends.

5: We were kissing and hugging in the car. “Would you like to move onto the back seat?” she asked me. “No” I replied, “ I would much rather stay here in the front with you”.

6: Bill “Harry, keep your eyes open with Jenny, I am sure that she is practicing the world’s oldest profession”
Harry ”You mean she is going in for Carpentry?”

7: I was going out with a suicide bomber, but he went off with someone else.

9: I first met my future husband at a Travel Agency, , , . He was my last resort!!

10: “If I died, would you get married again?”
“We’ll talk about that after it happens”

11: My wife and I are not ‘Snobbish Rolls-Royce sort of people’, , , we can get by with just our three Daimlers and the Lamborghini.

12: Wife: ”John darling, we are just going to have to become a two-income family”
Husband: “Oh excellent darling, are you going to get an evenings job?”

13: Wife: ”Darling, I don’t like you driving around in a car that you build yourself”
Husband: “Shut up and finish knitting those Seat-Belts”

14: I learnt to drive sitting on my Father’s lap holding the steering wheel. When I took my driving test I was so nervous I forgot and jumped onto the Examiner’s lap. We got married about six months after that !!.

15: Notice in a Hardware Shop Window: “HOUSEWIVES: WE WILL FIX WHAT YOUR HUSBAND MENDED FOR YOU LAST WEEK

16: When we were kids we used to play ‘Spin the Bottle’. If it pointed to you when it stopped, a girl could choose to either kiss you or pay you a Rand. By the time I was eighteen, I had made enough money to buy a motorbike.

17: Whilst I was away, my wife told me that I must wear a clean pair of socks each day. By the end of the week, I couldn’t get my shoes on over them all l!.

18: The last time I was in Dublin Airport I had to wait hours for my two bags, namely, my wife and her Mother!!

19: Wife, on phone to husband: ‘’Darling, , , where on earth are you?”
Husband: “In Sheffield”
Wife: “How on earth did you ever get there?”
Husband: “I fell asleep on the tube”
Wife: “But the Underground doesn’t go as far as Sheffield !!”
Husband: “Yes I know, , ,I had to change at Kings Cross”

20: Over-heard at a Christmas Office Party: “Hello Bill, , , , nice to see you again after all this time. My Oh My !! , , , but that was some party we had last year wasn’t it? If you remember, you had to take my wife home !! , , , , How is she, by the way?”

21: In a speech at a 50th Wedding Anniversary: “Thank you all for this wonderful party, and especially for the huge cheque. It will be spent on a second holiday to Poffadder as was the case on our 25th Wedding Anniversary. With a little bit of luck I may even be able to bring my wife back with me this time!!”

22: “I loved Jim like a brothel”.

23: Woman in a Gun Shop “I want to buy a gun for my husband” she says. “Did he tell you what kind of gun?” asks the man behind the counter. ”No” she replied “He doesn’t know yet that I’m going to shoot him

24: Shirley and I were due to be married at the end of the year, but unfortunately she got a new pair of glasses !!

25:: My very shapely girl friend’s pants were so tight, , , , , I could hardly breathe.

26: “My husband was killed by a bee”
“Stung to death huh?”
“No, he was a Tight-Rope Walker”

27: Husband: “Look there’s a bat. You can tell it’s a bat by its high pitched screech”
Wife: “No, , , that was me!!!”

28: Whilst in the army, Jim applied for Compassionate Leave. “My Wife is going to have a Baby” he said. . On his return, his mates asked him if it was a girl or a boy. Jim replied “Oh we won’t know for another nine months”.

29: Husband: “O blast! My razor is as blunt as hell!!”
Wife: “That’s very strange, it was extremely sharp when I was cutting out my leather-work with it yesterday”

30: Joe: “I call my wife “Five-Little-Horses”
Bill: “ How come?”
Joe: “Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag !!”.

31:: A husband and wife were driving slowly past a row of houses in the middle of which was the wife’s sister’s house, of which she was extremely jealous. It had been newly painted and stood out from all the other houses.
“What an Effrontery” hissed the wife.
Husband: “Yes, isn’t it, and the back of the house has also been nicely painted”

32:WHY MEN ARE FAR HAPPIER CREATURES , , , , , , , ,

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate or ice cream is just another snack.
You can never get pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles and aging add character.
Bride’s Wedding dress = R18,000. Groom’s Wedding Suit rental = R200.
People never goggle at your chest when you’re talking to them.
You don’t have to wobble on High Heels or in shoes that are two sizes too small.
You don’t pay a fortune for Lipsticks, Face Powders, Eyebrow Tweezers, Mascara etc
Phone conversations are over within 60 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own bottles and jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she still remains your friend.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You never have bra-strap problems in public (or anywhere else, for that matter!!)
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle and suit lasts for decades.
You can play with toys all your life (although they get more and more expensive).
You can wear shorts no matter how nobly your knees.
You never bother to shave the hairs off your legs. You only shave your face (and some of us bearded types don’t even do that !!)
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.
You can grow a moustache or a beard if you want to.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 15 minutes.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah., , ,but if Richard , David and Joseph go out to lunch, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fatso, Baldy, and Ginger..
At a restaurant, when the bill arrives, three blokes will each chuck in R200 without a second thought, even though it’s only for R500. None of them will have anything smaller and none will want change. But when three girls get the same bill, out will come their pocket calculators.
A man will pay R200 for a R100 item he really needs. But a woman will pay R100 for a R200 item that she doesn’t really need, just because it’s on sale.
A man has 6 items in his bathroom, namely: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. But the average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 200 of these.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. But a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. But a man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping and collect the mail. But a man will only dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. But women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their dentist appointments, their romances, their best friends, their favorite foods, their secret fears and their hopes and their dreams. But a man is vaguely aware of some tiny people roaming about the house.
33: A married man had made passionate love to his secretary all afternoon and, exhausted,, they both fell asleep, only to wake up, at 8 p.m. Whilst dressing he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them in the dirt and the grass. When he got home his wife demanded where he had been. “I can’t lie to you” he replied, “ I have been making love to my secretary” . She looked down at his shoes and said “You liar, you’ve been playing golf!!”

34: A middle aged couple had two amazingly beautiful daughters, then along came a son. When the Father visited the hospital he beheld the ugliest baby boy he had ever seen. ”There is no way I could be the Father of that ugly little brat” he said. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” His wife sweetly replied “No, not this this time!!”

35: A mortician was working on the body of a Mr. Herbert Schwartz and was flabbergasted at the largest penis he had EVER seen in his life. So he removed it for posterity and put it in a jar. After work that day he decided to taken it home and show his wife.
As soon as she saw it, before she could stop herself she burst out ”Oh NO!! Bertie’s dead !! ”
36:A man went into a posh Restaurant, and ordered an expensive bottle of wine and a big juicy top-side. How much will that be?” he asked the waiter. “R2.00 for the wine and R3.00 for the topside” replied the waiter. “I don’t believe it.” said the man “Can I to speak to the Manager?” “ Unfortunately not” said the waiter “He is upstairs with my wife”. “What is he doing with your wife? “ asked the man. “The same thing as I am doing to his business” replied the waiter.



37: Jake was dying and his wife was at his bedside. He said weakly “ I have something to confess so that I can die in piece”. ”There is no need to” replied his wife. “Yes, I must” said Jake, , ,”I slept with your sister, and also your best friend and also with your Mother” “I know” said his wife. “Just rest and relax now darling, so as to let the poison finish its work!!”

38: A woman was in bed with her lover when they heard the husband coming in the front door. “Quick, stand in the corner” she said, and she rubbed baby oil over him. “Pretend you are a statue” she added.

“What is that in the corner?” asked the husband. “Oh it’s a statue” she said. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I also got one”. No more was said and they went to bed. During the night however, the husband got up, went to the kitchen, and returned with a beer and a ham sandwich. “Here” he said to the statue, “Have some sustenance. I stood like this for two days in the Smiths’ ruddy bedroom, and nobody offered me a darned thing”.

39: A Negro was telling his brother, “I was nearly caught out the other night when I slept with a man’s wife and we heard the husband opening the front door” “Good heavens” said his brother ”What on earth did you do?” “I stood in the corner and pretended to be a bronze statue. When then husband came into the bedroom he said ‘What is that in the corner?’ ‘It is a bronze statue I saw going cheap in the Market today’ said the wife. The husband then gave me a mighty kick in the crutch, , , But I had the presence of mind to shout “BONG !”

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS HUMOUR IN THE LEGAL WORLD

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS HUMOUR IN THE LEGAL WORLD.

Saved as: “Website-LEGAL Jokes.doc”

1: Sir Joseph Peabody Smith ,a very prominent High Court Judge had just passed an extremely harsh sentence on a case of Slander. After the Court had cleared the aggrieved Accused said to the Judge ‘’Your Honour, you are obviously a man of vast legal knowledge and experience, can I put to you a hypothetical question?’’ The Judge preened himself and said he could by all means. .So the man said ‘’Although it is slanderous to call someone names etc: out loud, is it wrong to just THINK slanderous things?’ ‘’Of course not’’ said the Judge’’ ‘’Are you quite sure of that, your Honour?’’ ‘’Of course I am’’ replied the Judge. ‘’In that case’’ said the man: ‘’I think you are a stupid old goat !!!’’.
TAILPIECE: The Judge spluttered “Don’t you DARE speak to me like that, , , I will have you up for Contempt of Court”
The Accused smiled, looked around and said “But I don’t see any, do you, MR. Smith?!!”

2: In a similar case, a Judge had just passed a very harsh sentence on a case of Slander. The aggrieved Accused said to the Judge “Your Honour, you are obviously a man of vast legal knowledge and experience, can I put to you a hypothetical question?” The Judge preened himself and said he could by all means. .So the man said “Is it slanderous to call a King a Stupid Dirty Old Pig?” “Most definitely” said the Judge. “Well then” said the Accused, “Is it slanderous to call a Stupid Dirty Old Pig a King”’ “Don’t be silly” said the Judge “If you want to talk to a pig, then I pity you”. “Are you quite sure?” asked the Accused. “Of course I am sure” said the Judge. “Thank you, YOUR MAJESTY “ said the Accused.

3:: Lawyer: ”Has that proposed new Law been rescinded?”
Young Affiliate: ”No Sir, it has just been taken away”

4: Witness in Court: ‘’I am certainly not one to blame anyone. But it was definitely Joe Brown’s fault’

5: Witness in Court to Judge: ’“I stuck up for you, Your Honour. The accused said that you hadn’t even got the brains of an ass. But I really stuck up for you, Your Honour. I insisted that you had.”

6: Judge to the Accused: “Tell us in your own words why you stole the Weather Vane”
Accused: ”Well, y’ see, I climbs up onto Church roof to steal the lead flashin’ , but when I gets up there, there weren’t none. So I steals the Weather Cock instead, , ,, ‘cause if I comes ‘ome empty ‘anded, me Missus will think I’ve been up ter no good!!”

7: In an actual Law Society Report, West Surrey, U.K. it was recorded that a man who wished to take divorce proceedings later withdrew the application, , , “in case his wife got to hear about it”’.

8: The sign of an incompetent Lawyer, , , , I won’t confer with you without my own Lawyer being present.

9: Prosecutor: ”Do you see your Father in Court?”
Witness: ”Yes, quite often”

10: Cross Examining Prosecutor: ” , , , and tell me Mr. Jones, who else lives in the house besides you and your Brother Arthur?”
The Accused: “Only my dog Jasper”
Prosecutor: “Is he married?”
The Accused: “No, but he is very interested in a young bitch who lives just down the road”

11: Prosecutor: “To whom are you married”
Witness: “Me Wife, yer ‘oner”

12: Prosecutor :”When you say this side, can you definitely say the left side?”
Witness: “ Sure, easy, ‘The left side’ ”

13: Accused: ”I’ve never been called so many names”
Prosecutor: “You’re not married I take it?”

14: Prosecutor: “Please put an “X” where you fell” (Hands Accused a Marker Pen)
Accused: ”I can’t reach me backside with this pen”

15: Prosecutor: ”Where were you on your bicycle at that time?”
Accused: “On the saddle”

16:: Prosecutor:” , , , and where was the elevator?”
Accused:” It would be either Up or Down”

17: Accused: ”It definitely weren’t me as wot killed the Café Owner because that perticiler night I wuz in the next town, busy shooting two other blokes”.

18: Prosecutor: ”Are you assuming, Doctor, that she is going to live beyond 62 years of age until, under some actuarial tables that, statistically, she would die. Is that right?”
Doctor: ”Yes, certainly, I am assuming that she would live until the time that she dies”

19: Prosecutor: ”Doctor, did you check the pulse and also the breathing to confirm positively that he was actually dead?”:
Doctor: ”No I didn’t”
Prosecutor, (Triumphantly): ” Then in that case Doctor, he could have been still alive!!”
Doctor: “No, he could not possibly have been alive”
Prosecutor (very sarcastically):”Come, come, Doctor, I find that VERY hard to believe, coming from a man of your repute. How could you POISSIBLY be so sure?”
Doctor: ”Well, for one thing, his brains were in a jar of alcohol on my desk!!”
Prosecutor (now deflated, and desperately trying to save face): “Is it perhaps possible that with all the wonders of modern science and medicine, a human body could perhaps still exist physically without a brain?”
Doctor: ”Oh yes, that sometimes happens and they become Prosecutors!!!!”

20: Save a fortune on Legal Fees: viz:- On meeting or being introduced to a Lawyer never ever say “How d’you do ? “ or ”How are you?” otherwise he could reply “It is my considered opinion that I am doing fine and it is my considered opinion that I am in perfect health. That will beR12,200.00 and I will send you my account. Please add an additional R149.00 to cover administration, stationary and postage”

21: Judge: “ORDER! ORDER!!”
Prisoner in the Dock: “Oh! Good!, , I’ll have a Hot Dog, Chips and a Bottle of Pop”

22: Seen on a notice in a Lawyer’s Consulting Waiting Room:- “Have you a marriage problem? ,,,,,,,, If so, I can offer you a lethal solution”.

23: Notice in an Attorney’s Waiting Room:- “Legal Fees are calculated in direct proportion to the amount by which the truth requires to be distorted”

24: Prosecutor: “You say that whilst everyone was fighting everyone else, this person, Jimmy Smith got shot in the fracas? “
Witness :”No Sir, just slightly above his fat ass”.

25:: An African Tribe was trying to hold a court based on European principles. The director in charge of the proceedings had a Law Book and he constantly kept referring to this. At one stage he got a man with a feather duster to run around the court tapping all the African women on their bare breasts. Someone asked him why this was done. He pointed to a passage in the book: “A TITTER RAN THROUGH THE COURT”

26: Prosecutor: :”, , ,and then you went to which Doctor?”
Accused: ”No, fear!! No Witch Doctors for me, I went to a proper one”

27: Lawyers can prove black is black, , , , or white is white, , , or black is white, , , or white is black This, however, is in direct proportion to the amount that they are being paid. (Johnathan Swift, 1667 – 1745)

28: Judge: “How do you see yourself as being the son of a very rich Father?
Accused: “Oh easy, I just look in me mirror, Yer Honour”

29: Lawyer to Husband regarding making his Will: “Unfortunately there is a rupture between the Testators, , , and until the Assignees can come together, there can be no further movement”
Wife to Husband when he got home: “How did you get on with your Lawyer ?”
Husband: “He said that, unfortunately, my testicles are ruptured, and until I can get my ass and my knees together I am going to become constipated”

30: Whenever I go to buy anything important I always take my Lawyer with me. This ensures that nobody can ‘pull a fast one’ on me. But actually, the main reason of course, is that he is my Husband.

31: I just love one of Jeffrey Archer’s short stories in which a woman is being held for “questioning” in a murder case. Everything hinges on the fact that she REALLY is totally blind. The Police tried every trick in the book to try and trip her up, but eventually, they have to admit that she really was absolutely totally blind.

Then our ‘Hero Detective’ had a brilliant idea, , , Namely , a young chap in his Department had a glass eye and he was brought into the Interview Room and was sat at a table in front of her. He then took out his glass eye, took a silk handkerchief out of his pocket and proceeded to polish it. He then looked at her squarely in the face with his eyeless socket face and grinned at her, , SHE PUKED!!!

32: The Public Prosecutor gazed with pitying eyes on the little old woman in the Witness Box “Now my dear” he said in a very condescending voice “I want you to answer some very simple little questions. Do you think you can do that for me?, , , , , Yes?” , , , ”First, I would like to ask you ‘Do you know who I am mmmmmmm ?’”

The Little Old Lady shocks him to the core by replying in a loud sonorous voice and spearing him with a piercing contemptuous look, , , , ,
“Oh yes, I know YOU alright “ she says “You are no other than that snotty nosed kid who lied and cheated, was bone idle, always bottom of the class and also a big cowardly bully. As a teenager you stole cars, raped young girls, smoked in Church and pissed in the Town Fountain. When you grew up you turned into a manipulator, a schemer, a business shark, and you are still a big bully. You cheated on your wife, having had at least three other women, one of whom was the Judges wife!! You also have a drinking problem, , , Shall I go on?”

The Prosecutor turned white and was speechless. The Judge summoned him to the Bench and hissed at him “ I want a word with you in private after this trial , , , AND IF YOU DARE ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS WHO I AM, I WILL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!!!!”

33:The Mayor of a small town in America completely solved the problem of all ILLEGALLY PARKED CARS by arranging to have them run over by an Army Tank !!!

POPPA HOWARD QUESTIONS RAINWATER FOR DRINKING

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TO DRINK RAINWATER (HEALTHY, HARMFUL OR  NEITHER?)

    Saved as “RAINWATER-Drinking.doc” and  “Website RAINWATERdrinking.doc”

 

I have heard and read so many convincing arguments both for and against drinking rainwater that I am left utterly confused. However, after you have read the following, you can decide for yourself.  Notwithstanding this, Nature’s cycle of events that finalize in a Rain Water Catchment Tub are absolutely fascinating as you will see from this write-up.

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Firstly, to digress from rainwater itself  (but you will see why in just a minute) ,,,, The human body desperately needs ORGANIC SULPHER to survive. Please Note, very very very carefully indeed: ORGANIC, NOT MINED SULPHUR.  ORGANIC originates from fruits and vegetables, but there is not nearly enough in these items to sustain a healthy body. Let’s see how this gets into the fruit and veg’ in the first place ,,,,,  It is quite an amazing and fascinating story  ,,,,  

 

1: Algae and Plankton in oceans absorb large quantities of ORGANIC SULPHUR from the sea-water and convert this into simple organic compounds.

 

2; When Algy ’and ‘Planky’ die, these organic compounds that were originally absorbed into them during their lifetime decompose and are broken down into a substance called ‘DI-METHYL-SULPHIDE’ (abbreviated  “DMS”).

 

3: As DMS is extremely fine and light-weight, it is easily carried up with evaporation into the atmosphere. As the oceans cover three-quarters of the earth’s surface area (137 million square miles to be exact), this is a heck of a lot of water for DMS to do its little tricks in!

 

4: Under the influence of Ultraviolet Light and Ozone, the DMS (now in the atmosphere, remember) is oxidized into a sulphur compound called DI-METHYL-SULPH-OXIDE (abbreviated to “DMSO”) and also an organically-bonded-sulphur compound called METHYL-SULPHONYL-METHANE (abbreviated “MSM).

 

5: The molecules of  DMSO and MSM  are extremely small and are thus very soluble, which means that they are quickly absorbed by atmospheric water that eventually forms rain-clouds. The water in these, now enriched with DMSO and MSM, eventually falls back to the earth as rain water..    

 

6: All nature readily absorbs DMSO and MSM because, as already pointed out, the molecules are extremely small.  So rejoice if you get a good soaking in a shower of rain, as this would give your skin an excellent opportunity to get a free rich dose of DMSO and MSM that are much needed for good health. It follows, therefore, that added to bathwater this makes it extremely healthy!

 

 

 

7: Also, by the same token, rainwater is EXCEEDINGLY healthy to drink,

as one’s internal organs, virtually starved of  DMSO and MSM, are presented with a feast a hundred times richer than that provided in fruits and vegetables. You are getting it AT SOURCE!

 

8: Normally fruit and vegetables give us a very meager supply of the much needed Organic  Sulphur in the form of  DMSO and MSM because of the latter’s  tortuous journey then into the fruit and veg’ via their roots). This is not nearly enough to sustain a healthy body.

 

9: Mined Sulphur is often recommended by so called  “Medical ‘Experts” (ha ha!!) as a solution for the lack of sulphur in the body, BUT THIS HAS A  ‘BIO-AVAILABILITY’ of about only 1% to 2% and, it can also cause allergies such as skin rashes, asthma and can also cause a lot of other  damage to health!    On the other hand, however, harmless DMSO and MSM  (as contained in rainwater) has a  bio-availability of 100%  and the human body is starving for it. This is a very strong argument indeed for drinking rain Water!

 

10: In Pharmacies and Health Shops, tablets called ”REAL-MSM” (Trade Name = “RealMSM”) are sold and these are made from natural organically-bonded-sulphur (i.e. DMSO and MSM). They are, therefore, nearly 100 times more efficient than the other (recommended but useless and dangerous) tablets containing mined sulphur.   ALSO, THEY HAVE NO HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS WHATSOEVER,  AND ARE  NON-ADDICTIVE LIKE A LOT OF ‘DRUG-ORIENTATED’ MEDICINES.

 

11; “RealMSM” tablets are made by a firm called “THRESHhold SA Natural Products (Pty) Ltd”.,  P.O. Box 2,  Botha’s Hill, 3660 in Natal, and are obtainable at any “Dis-Chem” Pharmacy. The cost in 2006 was R104.99 for 120 tablets which works out at less than 88 cents per tablet (which are far cheaper than a lot of  ‘Health-Tablets’). 

 

12: Summary:  Taking ‘RealMSM’ regularly should form part of one’s daily ‘Tablets Regimen’. It certainly will not do any harm, and could make a world of difference to one’s health.

Drinking rainwater (after it being suitably filtered and boiled ) could also be very beneficial.

 

13: Negative conclusions as regards Rainwater

 I passed on the above writings to my Brother in Law, Allan Barton , in the U.K. (once a Chemist at I.C.I.) and he commented as follows:-

(a) The reading is very impressive, and it might have worked a few hundred years ago.

(b)  However, nowadays, with all the contamination in the atmosphere  (“Acid Rain” etc:), he feels this might cancel out any real benefits.

(c)  He said that such contamination might arise from chemicals such as  SULPHUR- DIOXIDE,  SULPHUR-TRIOXIDE, NITROGEN OXIDES, CARBON- DIOXIDE and similar Ozone destroying chemicals.

 

14: Positive Conclusions  and  Observations

Arising from Allan’s comments I therefore “went back to the Drawing Board” and came up with the following:-

 

(a) Such contamination of the atmosphere may not exist or be quite so pronounced in South Africa where (‘pure’) rain clouds come in from either the Indian or the Atlantic oceans. Once they are here , over the land, THERE IS NOT AS MUCH INDUSTRIAL ACTIVITY TO PRODUCE CONTAMINATION OF THE ATMOSPHERE AS THERE IS IN ENGLAND. REMEMBER TOO, WE HAVE MILLIONS OF SQUARE KILOMETERS OF WIDE OPEN PURE UNCONTAMINATED BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE!

 

(b) From my own personal observations , I have noticed that, after a rainstorm, Egyptian Geese on my property prefer to drink from rain-water accumulated in ‘soily’ flower-beds rather than from my nice ornamental pond fed with ”Pure” (ha ha !!)   Tap-Water.

Conclusion:  They instinctively know which water is the healthier, although it looks less appetizing!). (Go to NATURE and study its ways !!!!)

 

(c ) For further advice I contacted a friend (Peter Jup) who retired to Port Alfred several years ago (as he used to work in a Medical Research Laboratory in Johannesburg).  He said “Good Heavens! ,,,  The tap- water here in Port Alfred, where I am, is putrid. It is so brackish it tastes awful.  So we collect rain-water in tubs and filter and boil it for all our drinking needs.  We have been doing this for years now, and we are all certainly none the worse for doing so”. (I haven’t seen any reports of the Population Register of Port Alfred dropping to zero!!!).

 

 

So, there you have it folks  ,,,  both FOR and AGAINST.  I leave you to make up our own minds. (To my mind, the “FOR’s” seem to have the leading edge!).    But a VERY important point that does arise from he foregoing, is the fact that you should give very serious consideration to taking “RealMSM” tablets daily in order to boost your apparently  too low intake of Natural Organic Sulphur.

 

 

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS THAT BLACK IS WHITE !!

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS THAT BLACK IS WHITE AND VICE VERSA

Saved as: “Website-BLACK is WHITE.doc”

1: INTRODUCTION
Someone once said to me sarcastically: “You are such a Smarty Pants, I bet you could even prove Black is White!!”

I said “Nothing to it!” , , , ,
(All my own ‘work’ , , , Not copied from anywhere, by the way).
So here it is, , , , , , ,

2: LIGHT WAVES
All light is made up of a combination of individual colours ranging from, Red to Violet. This is known as ‘The Colour Spectrum’ that has a Frequency of about of 500 Billion cycles per second (or 5 x 10 to the power of 14). Below Red is “INFRA-Red” that very soon turns into heat. Above Violet is “ULTRA-Violet” that has all sorts of strange Scientific uses.

3:HOW WE SEE COLOURS
When we say that something is “Red”, what actually happens is that when light strikes an object all its colours are absorbed into it EXCEPT THE RED FREQUENCY which is reflected to our eyes, , , and so we say “It is RED”, whereas, in actual fact, the object itself is every colour EXCEPT Red!! , , , Exactly the same thing with Blue, Green, Yellow and so on.

Can you guess where this might be heading???!!!

4: NOW WE COME TO BLACK AND WHITE
By the same token, when light strikes an object that we call “WHITE ”, what actually happens is that the object itself does not absorb ANY light waves at all, so they are ALL reflected into our eyes and we therefore see the object as WHITE. , , , But the object itself, absorbing NOTHING, is, therefore, BLACK , , , BUT WE SEE IT AS “WHITE”!!

5: CONVERSELY , , , , , ,
The reverse, of course, applies to us seeing what we call a BLACK object. In this case, when light strikes an object we call “BLACK”, what actually happens is that the object itself absorbs ALL the light waves, so that NONE AT ALL are reflected into our eyes and we therefore see the object as BLACK. . , , But the object itself, absorbing ALL THE LIGHT WAVES is, therefore, WHITE. . . BUT WE SEE IT AS “BLACK”!!

6: POSITIVE (OR RATHER ‘NEGATIVE’ ) PROOF OF ALL THIS !!
Here is positive proof of all this, , , You older folks, , , , do you remember the Celluloid Photographic Negatives ??? , , Well, on these, when held up to the light, ALL THE WHITE FACES, LEGS AND ARMS ETC: WERE BLACK!!, , , This was because NO white frequencies, having all being fully absorbed were reflected off the skin into the Camera Lens. (What more proof do you need??!!).

7: SUMMARY
So BLACK Folks are actually White, but we see them as Black, , , and WHITE Folks are actually Black but we see them as White. . . .WOW !!

Perhaps this is a ‘cementing together’ of all Black people and all White people, , , because I prove that WE ARE BOTH BLACK AND WHITE !!!

By the same token, Does the President of the U.S.A. live in “The BLACK House” ? , , , and should we rather all sing about “The BLACK Cliffs of Dover” ?, not forgetting “BLACK as the Riven Snow ”? and Cows that give us “BLACK Milk” ?!!!, , , , , Conversely, , , how about a piece of Coal being Pitch WHITE ?!! .. . . .(If you can’t answer these questions, don’t worry, you won’t get any WHITE Marks !!)

Quad Erat Demonstrandum !!! POPPA HOWARD /January 2013

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT SILK, THE MIRACLE HEALER!!

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POPPA HOWARD REVEALS LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT SILK
THE MIRACLE HEALER

Saved as: “Website-SILK.doc”

1: GO FOR SILK, , , THE MIRACLE HEALER
Did you know that your skin is the largest and most absorptive organ of your whole body. WHAT YOU PUT ON THE OUTSIDE GOES TO THE INSIDE!!!

2: The Amazing “SERATIA PEPTIDASS” Enzyme that is produced by the Silk Worm Larvae
“ SERATIA PEPTIDASS” also known as “SERRAPTASE” is an enzyme produced by the Silk Worm Larvae in order to eventually breakdown its cocoon walls to allow the mature moth to finally escape its prison.

The absorption is greatly enhanced if eaten. Unfortunately, however, stomach acid quickly destroys it, but modern medical techniques can be prevent this by enclosing it in a capsule that by-passes the stomach so that the intestines can then easily absorb it into the blood stream.

3: WHERE AERE CAPSULES OBTAINABLE ?
Capsules are obtainable from Health Shops.
As well as from Health Shops they can also be ordered on the Internet. (From Google Search “Arthritis and Silk Worms”).

4: SERRAPTASE’s Amazing Properties.
It has been recently discovered that this substance, when absorbed into the human bloodstream via the skin has amazing health producing benefits. Some of these are:, , The reduction of Arthritis, Inflammation, Heart and Lung Diseases, Colds and Flu, Colon Cleansing and Vascular Sclerosis.

5: Wear it not swallow it!!
Instead of becoming a slave to “pill-taking”, however, wearing silk and sleeping in silk is the next best thing. Apart from its delightful caressing luxurious feeling, it has lots of advantages.

For instance,

(a): Being so compactly woven it reduces the incidence of DUST MITES.

(b): It INDUCES SUPERIOR SLEEP.

(c):It contains HOMEOPATHIC PROPERTIES that are beneficial to good health.

(d): It REDUCES VASCULAR SCLEROSIS, as mentioned above.

(e) Due to its amazing natural automatic thermo-regulating properties it therefore keeps you warm in winter and cool in summer!!

6: COLOURED SILKS
Note that when coloured silks are made, natural healthy dyes are used in order to preserve the silk’s amazingly healthy properties.

7: MANY SILK ITEMS ARE AVAILABLE
Many items are available in silk, such as Bed Sheets, Duvet Covers, Complete Duvets (with dried “vacated” cocoons used as their filling), Pillows, Underwear, Shirts, Dresses, Jackets, Suits, Cushions (you name it !!!!).

8: ETHICAL AND NON-ETHICAL SILK
A very little known fact is that there are two distinctly different methods of producing silk, namely the humane “Ethical Silk” method and the inhumane “Non-Ethical Silk” method .

With the humane “Ethical Silk” method, the producers stretch the cocoon, rather than unravel it, thereby respecting the life of the silkworm as there is then no need to first kill the worm in order to ensure that the silk strand is not broken.

On the other hand however, with the inhumane non-ethical method, the cocoons are boiled with the silkworm still alive before the moth emerges!. (YUK !!!) For one kilogram of inhumane ‘Non-Ethical ‘ silk, five thousand silkworms must die !!! , , , , , , , WOW and UGH !!!

9: THE ETHICAL SILK IS SLIGHTLY DISCOLOURED
Unfortunately the humane Ethical silk is slightly discoloured (and this very often ‘puts people off’).This discoloring is due to alkaline fluid secreted by the emerging moth.

10: ORIGIN OF THIS ARTICLE
All the foregoing is a very brief extract from an article that appeared in ‘The Odyssey’ Magazine’, dated April / May 2008.

11: BUY ALL KINDS OF SILK ITEMS ON THE INTERNET
To buy all kinds of silk items and accessories from DHARMA TRADING on the Internet, , , Type in Google Search: “ SILK ACCESSORIES, ITEMS” and open the first link “Silk Accessories, Items & Dyeables” (www.dharmatrading.com/html/eng/3004563-aa.shtml).

There are stacks of pictures, (an unbelievable selection!!) and you can fill a ‘Shopping Cart’ or click on ‘Send a Note’ or Telephone 800-542-5227.

12: SUMMARY
Wear and use PURE (NOT ARTIFICIAL) Silk whenever you can. Also, preferably, try and ascertain if it is ’ETHICAL SILK.

IF PUT INTO PRACTICE, IT WILL PRESERVE AND PROTECT YOR FUTURE HEALTH.

Too expensive??? Yes it certainly is, but deduct possible future Doctor and Hospital expenses !!!!!!

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