POPPA HOWARD REVEALS SOME SECRET TRUTHS ABOUT HUSBANDS, WIVES AND SWEETHEARTS.
Saved as: ”Website-Husbands Wives etc.doc”
Some of the following are possibly very near to the truth, and the ‘culprits’ would undoubtedly wish them to be kept secret !!!
1: A LOVE LETTER, , , ,
My Dearest Darling,
For you, my Darling, I would swim shark-infested waters.
For you, my Darling, I would scale the highest peaks.
For you, my Darling, I would face wild beasts unarmed.
For you, my Darling I would face torture and death, unflinchingly.
Love and kisses, x x x x x x x ,
Yours adoring sweetheart
P.S. Oh, by the way, I’ll come and see you next week on your Birthday, providing it doesn’t look as if it’s going to rain.
2: Says a Car Driver , , , ”I kept meeting my Girl-Friend at Intersexions”
3: I was seeing a beautiful girl regularly for over a month, , , , , but then I lost my binoculars!!!
4: My girl friend complained that I should be far more affectionate, , , So I got myself two more girl friends.
5: We were kissing and hugging in the car. “Would you like to move onto the back seat?” she asked me. “No” I replied, “ I would much rather stay here in the front with you”.
6: Bill “Harry, keep your eyes open with Jenny, I am sure that she is practicing the world’s oldest profession”
Harry ”You mean she is going in for Carpentry?”
7: I was going out with a suicide bomber, but he went off with someone else.
9: I first met my future husband at a Travel Agency, , , . He was my last resort!!
10: “If I died, would you get married again?”
“We’ll talk about that after it happens”
11: My wife and I are not ‘Snobbish Rolls-Royce sort of people’, , , we can get by with just our three Daimlers and the Lamborghini.
12: Wife: ”John darling, we are just going to have to become a two-income family”
Husband: “Oh excellent darling, are you going to get an evenings job?”
13: Wife: ”Darling, I don’t like you driving around in a car that you build yourself”
Husband: “Shut up and finish knitting those Seat-Belts”
14: I learnt to drive sitting on my Father’s lap holding the steering wheel. When I took my driving test I was so nervous I forgot and jumped onto the Examiner’s lap. We got married about six months after that !!.
15: Notice in a Hardware Shop Window: “HOUSEWIVES: WE WILL FIX WHAT YOUR HUSBAND MENDED FOR YOU LAST WEEK
16: When we were kids we used to play ‘Spin the Bottle’. If it pointed to you when it stopped, a girl could choose to either kiss you or pay you a Rand. By the time I was eighteen, I had made enough money to buy a motorbike.
17: Whilst I was away, my wife told me that I must wear a clean pair of socks each day. By the end of the week, I couldn’t get my shoes on over them all l!.
18: The last time I was in Dublin Airport I had to wait hours for my two bags, namely, my wife and her Mother!!
19: Wife, on phone to husband: ‘’Darling, , , where on earth are you?”
Husband: “In Sheffield”
Wife: “How on earth did you ever get there?”
Husband: “I fell asleep on the tube”
Wife: “But the Underground doesn’t go as far as Sheffield !!”
Husband: “Yes I know, , ,I had to change at Kings Cross”
20: Over-heard at a Christmas Office Party: “Hello Bill, , , , nice to see you again after all this time. My Oh My !! , , , but that was some party we had last year wasn’t it? If you remember, you had to take my wife home !! , , , , How is she, by the way?”
21: In a speech at a 50th Wedding Anniversary: “Thank you all for this wonderful party, and especially for the huge cheque. It will be spent on a second holiday to Poffadder as was the case on our 25th Wedding Anniversary. With a little bit of luck I may even be able to bring my wife back with me this time!!”
22: “I loved Jim like a brothel”.
23: Woman in a Gun Shop “I want to buy a gun for my husband” she says. “Did he tell you what kind of gun?” asks the man behind the counter. ”No” she replied “He doesn’t know yet that I’m going to shoot him
24: Shirley and I were due to be married at the end of the year, but unfortunately she got a new pair of glasses !!
25:: My very shapely girl friend’s pants were so tight, , , , , I could hardly breathe.
26: “My husband was killed by a bee”
“Stung to death huh?”
“No, he was a Tight-Rope Walker”
27: Husband: “Look there’s a bat. You can tell it’s a bat by its high pitched screech”
Wife: “No, , , that was me!!!”
28: Whilst in the army, Jim applied for Compassionate Leave. “My Wife is going to have a Baby” he said. . On his return, his mates asked him if it was a girl or a boy. Jim replied “Oh we won’t know for another nine months”.
29: Husband: “O blast! My razor is as blunt as hell!!”
Wife: “That’s very strange, it was extremely sharp when I was cutting out my leather-work with it yesterday”
30: Joe: “I call my wife “Five-Little-Horses”
Bill: “ How come?”
Joe: “Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag !!”.
31:: A husband and wife were driving slowly past a row of houses in the middle of which was the wife’s sister’s house, of which she was extremely jealous. It had been newly painted and stood out from all the other houses.
“What an Effrontery” hissed the wife.
Husband: “Yes, isn’t it, and the back of the house has also been nicely painted”
32:WHY MEN ARE FAR HAPPIER CREATURES , , , , , , , ,
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate or ice cream is just another snack.
You can never get pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles and aging add character.
Bride’s Wedding dress = R18,000. Groom’s Wedding Suit rental = R200.
People never goggle at your chest when you’re talking to them.
You don’t have to wobble on High Heels or in shoes that are two sizes too small.
You don’t pay a fortune for Lipsticks, Face Powders, Eyebrow Tweezers, Mascara etc
Phone conversations are over within 60 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own bottles and jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she still remains your friend.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You never have bra-strap problems in public (or anywhere else, for that matter!!)
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle and suit lasts for decades.
You can play with toys all your life (although they get more and more expensive).
You can wear shorts no matter how nobly your knees.
You never bother to shave the hairs off your legs. You only shave your face (and some of us bearded types don’t even do that !!)
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.
You can grow a moustache or a beard if you want to.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 15 minutes.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah., , ,but if Richard , David and Joseph go out to lunch, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fatso, Baldy, and Ginger..
At a restaurant, when the bill arrives, three blokes will each chuck in R200 without a second thought, even though it’s only for R500. None of them will have anything smaller and none will want change. But when three girls get the same bill, out will come their pocket calculators.
A man will pay R200 for a R100 item he really needs. But a woman will pay R100 for a R200 item that she doesn’t really need, just because it’s on sale.
A man has 6 items in his bathroom, namely: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. But the average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 200 of these.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. But a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. But a man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping and collect the mail. But a man will only dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. But women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their dentist appointments, their romances, their best friends, their favorite foods, their secret fears and their hopes and their dreams. But a man is vaguely aware of some tiny people roaming about the house.
33: A married man had made passionate love to his secretary all afternoon and, exhausted,, they both fell asleep, only to wake up, at 8 p.m. Whilst dressing he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them in the dirt and the grass. When he got home his wife demanded where he had been. “I can’t lie to you” he replied, “ I have been making love to my secretary” . She looked down at his shoes and said “You liar, you’ve been playing golf!!”
34: A middle aged couple had two amazingly beautiful daughters, then along came a son. When the Father visited the hospital he beheld the ugliest baby boy he had ever seen. ”There is no way I could be the Father of that ugly little brat” he said. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” His wife sweetly replied “No, not this this time!!”
35: A mortician was working on the body of a Mr. Herbert Schwartz and was flabbergasted at the largest penis he had EVER seen in his life. So he removed it for posterity and put it in a jar. After work that day he decided to taken it home and show his wife.
As soon as she saw it, before she could stop herself she burst out ”Oh NO!! Bertie’s dead !! ”
36:A man went into a posh Restaurant, and ordered an expensive bottle of wine and a big juicy top-side. How much will that be?” he asked the waiter. “R2.00 for the wine and R3.00 for the topside” replied the waiter. “I don’t believe it.” said the man “Can I to speak to the Manager?” “ Unfortunately not” said the waiter “He is upstairs with my wife”. “What is he doing with your wife? “ asked the man. “The same thing as I am doing to his business” replied the waiter.
37: Jake was dying and his wife was at his bedside. He said weakly “ I have something to confess so that I can die in piece”. ”There is no need to” replied his wife. “Yes, I must” said Jake, , ,”I slept with your sister, and also your best friend and also with your Mother” “I know” said his wife. “Just rest and relax now darling, so as to let the poison finish its work!!”
38: A woman was in bed with her lover when they heard the husband coming in the front door. “Quick, stand in the corner” she said, and she rubbed baby oil over him. “Pretend you are a statue” she added.
“What is that in the corner?” asked the husband. “Oh it’s a statue” she said. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I also got one”. No more was said and they went to bed. During the night however, the husband got up, went to the kitchen, and returned with a beer and a ham sandwich. “Here” he said to the statue, “Have some sustenance. I stood like this for two days in the Smiths’ ruddy bedroom, and nobody offered me a darned thing”.
39: A Negro was telling his brother, “I was nearly caught out the other night when I slept with a man’s wife and we heard the husband opening the front door” “Good heavens” said his brother ”What on earth did you do?” “I stood in the corner and pretended to be a bronze statue. When then husband came into the bedroom he said ‘What is that in the corner?’ ‘It is a bronze statue I saw going cheap in the Market today’ said the wife. The husband then gave me a mighty kick in the crutch, , , But I had the presence of mind to shout “BONG !”
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