Saved as: “Website-LEGAL Jokes.doc”

1: Sir Joseph Peabody Smith ,a very prominent High Court Judge had just passed an extremely harsh sentence on a case of Slander. After the Court had cleared the aggrieved Accused said to the Judge ‘’Your Honour, you are obviously a man of vast legal knowledge and experience, can I put to you a hypothetical question?’’ The Judge preened himself and said he could by all means. .So the man said ‘’Although it is slanderous to call someone names etc: out loud, is it wrong to just THINK slanderous things?’ ‘’Of course not’’ said the Judge’’ ‘’Are you quite sure of that, your Honour?’’ ‘’Of course I am’’ replied the Judge. ‘’In that case’’ said the man: ‘’I think you are a stupid old goat !!!’’.
TAILPIECE: The Judge spluttered “Don’t you DARE speak to me like that, , , I will have you up for Contempt of Court”
The Accused smiled, looked around and said “But I don’t see any, do you, MR. Smith?!!”

2: In a similar case, a Judge had just passed a very harsh sentence on a case of Slander. The aggrieved Accused said to the Judge “Your Honour, you are obviously a man of vast legal knowledge and experience, can I put to you a hypothetical question?” The Judge preened himself and said he could by all means. .So the man said “Is it slanderous to call a King a Stupid Dirty Old Pig?” “Most definitely” said the Judge. “Well then” said the Accused, “Is it slanderous to call a Stupid Dirty Old Pig a King”’ “Don’t be silly” said the Judge “If you want to talk to a pig, then I pity you”. “Are you quite sure?” asked the Accused. “Of course I am sure” said the Judge. “Thank you, YOUR MAJESTY “ said the Accused.

3:: Lawyer: ”Has that proposed new Law been rescinded?”
Young Affiliate: ”No Sir, it has just been taken away”

4: Witness in Court: ‘’I am certainly not one to blame anyone. But it was definitely Joe Brown’s fault’

5: Witness in Court to Judge: ’“I stuck up for you, Your Honour. The accused said that you hadn’t even got the brains of an ass. But I really stuck up for you, Your Honour. I insisted that you had.”

6: Judge to the Accused: “Tell us in your own words why you stole the Weather Vane”
Accused: ”Well, y’ see, I climbs up onto Church roof to steal the lead flashin’ , but when I gets up there, there weren’t none. So I steals the Weather Cock instead, , ,, ‘cause if I comes ‘ome empty ‘anded, me Missus will think I’ve been up ter no good!!”

7: In an actual Law Society Report, West Surrey, U.K. it was recorded that a man who wished to take divorce proceedings later withdrew the application, , , “in case his wife got to hear about it”’.

8: The sign of an incompetent Lawyer, , , , I won’t confer with you without my own Lawyer being present.

9: Prosecutor: ”Do you see your Father in Court?”
Witness: ”Yes, quite often”

10: Cross Examining Prosecutor: ” , , , and tell me Mr. Jones, who else lives in the house besides you and your Brother Arthur?”
The Accused: “Only my dog Jasper”
Prosecutor: “Is he married?”
The Accused: “No, but he is very interested in a young bitch who lives just down the road”

11: Prosecutor: “To whom are you married”
Witness: “Me Wife, yer ‘oner”

12: Prosecutor :”When you say this side, can you definitely say the left side?”
Witness: “ Sure, easy, ‘The left side’ ”

13: Accused: ”I’ve never been called so many names”
Prosecutor: “You’re not married I take it?”

14: Prosecutor: “Please put an “X” where you fell” (Hands Accused a Marker Pen)
Accused: ”I can’t reach me backside with this pen”

15: Prosecutor: ”Where were you on your bicycle at that time?”
Accused: “On the saddle”

16:: Prosecutor:” , , , and where was the elevator?”
Accused:” It would be either Up or Down”

17: Accused: ”It definitely weren’t me as wot killed the Café Owner because that perticiler night I wuz in the next town, busy shooting two other blokes”.

18: Prosecutor: ”Are you assuming, Doctor, that she is going to live beyond 62 years of age until, under some actuarial tables that, statistically, she would die. Is that right?”
Doctor: ”Yes, certainly, I am assuming that she would live until the time that she dies”

19: Prosecutor: ”Doctor, did you check the pulse and also the breathing to confirm positively that he was actually dead?”:
Doctor: ”No I didn’t”
Prosecutor, (Triumphantly): ” Then in that case Doctor, he could have been still alive!!”
Doctor: “No, he could not possibly have been alive”
Prosecutor (very sarcastically):”Come, come, Doctor, I find that VERY hard to believe, coming from a man of your repute. How could you POISSIBLY be so sure?”
Doctor: ”Well, for one thing, his brains were in a jar of alcohol on my desk!!”
Prosecutor (now deflated, and desperately trying to save face): “Is it perhaps possible that with all the wonders of modern science and medicine, a human body could perhaps still exist physically without a brain?”
Doctor: ”Oh yes, that sometimes happens and they become Prosecutors!!!!”

20: Save a fortune on Legal Fees: viz:- On meeting or being introduced to a Lawyer never ever say “How d’you do ? “ or ”How are you?” otherwise he could reply “It is my considered opinion that I am doing fine and it is my considered opinion that I am in perfect health. That will beR12,200.00 and I will send you my account. Please add an additional R149.00 to cover administration, stationary and postage”

21: Judge: “ORDER! ORDER!!”
Prisoner in the Dock: “Oh! Good!, , I’ll have a Hot Dog, Chips and a Bottle of Pop”

22: Seen on a notice in a Lawyer’s Consulting Waiting Room:- “Have you a marriage problem? ,,,,,,,, If so, I can offer you a lethal solution”.

23: Notice in an Attorney’s Waiting Room:- “Legal Fees are calculated in direct proportion to the amount by which the truth requires to be distorted”

24: Prosecutor: “You say that whilst everyone was fighting everyone else, this person, Jimmy Smith got shot in the fracas? “
Witness :”No Sir, just slightly above his fat ass”.

25:: An African Tribe was trying to hold a court based on European principles. The director in charge of the proceedings had a Law Book and he constantly kept referring to this. At one stage he got a man with a feather duster to run around the court tapping all the African women on their bare breasts. Someone asked him why this was done. He pointed to a passage in the book: “A TITTER RAN THROUGH THE COURT”

26: Prosecutor: :”, , ,and then you went to which Doctor?”
Accused: ”No, fear!! No Witch Doctors for me, I went to a proper one”

27: Lawyers can prove black is black, , , , or white is white, , , or black is white, , , or white is black This, however, is in direct proportion to the amount that they are being paid. (Johnathan Swift, 1667 – 1745)

28: Judge: “How do you see yourself as being the son of a very rich Father?
Accused: “Oh easy, I just look in me mirror, Yer Honour”

29: Lawyer to Husband regarding making his Will: “Unfortunately there is a rupture between the Testators, , , and until the Assignees can come together, there can be no further movement”
Wife to Husband when he got home: “How did you get on with your Lawyer ?”
Husband: “He said that, unfortunately, my testicles are ruptured, and until I can get my ass and my knees together I am going to become constipated”

30: Whenever I go to buy anything important I always take my Lawyer with me. This ensures that nobody can ‘pull a fast one’ on me. But actually, the main reason of course, is that he is my Husband.

31: I just love one of Jeffrey Archer’s short stories in which a woman is being held for “questioning” in a murder case. Everything hinges on the fact that she REALLY is totally blind. The Police tried every trick in the book to try and trip her up, but eventually, they have to admit that she really was absolutely totally blind.

Then our ‘Hero Detective’ had a brilliant idea, , , Namely , a young chap in his Department had a glass eye and he was brought into the Interview Room and was sat at a table in front of her. He then took out his glass eye, took a silk handkerchief out of his pocket and proceeded to polish it. He then looked at her squarely in the face with his eyeless socket face and grinned at her, , SHE PUKED!!!

32: The Public Prosecutor gazed with pitying eyes on the little old woman in the Witness Box “Now my dear” he said in a very condescending voice “I want you to answer some very simple little questions. Do you think you can do that for me?, , , , , Yes?” , , , ”First, I would like to ask you ‘Do you know who I am mmmmmmm ?’”

The Little Old Lady shocks him to the core by replying in a loud sonorous voice and spearing him with a piercing contemptuous look, , , , ,
“Oh yes, I know YOU alright “ she says “You are no other than that snotty nosed kid who lied and cheated, was bone idle, always bottom of the class and also a big cowardly bully. As a teenager you stole cars, raped young girls, smoked in Church and pissed in the Town Fountain. When you grew up you turned into a manipulator, a schemer, a business shark, and you are still a big bully. You cheated on your wife, having had at least three other women, one of whom was the Judges wife!! You also have a drinking problem, , , Shall I go on?”

The Prosecutor turned white and was speechless. The Judge summoned him to the Bench and hissed at him “ I want a word with you in private after this trial , , , AND IF YOU DARE ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS WHO I AM, I WILL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!!!!”

33:The Mayor of a small town in America completely solved the problem of all ILLEGALLY PARKED CARS by arranging to have them run over by an Army Tank !!!


I am a retired Electrical Engineer (Pr. Eng.) and worked for the Johanesburg Electricity Department for 30 years (being Head of a large Department), I am a Pianist and a Church Organist (I have given Recitals on the Johannesburg City Hall Organ at lunchtime Concerts). At presentI I play for Chapel Services at Elphin Lodge and at the Aldersgate Methodist Church., , , I came out to South Africa in 1953 to represent Ferguson Paiilin Switchgear Ltd. Manchester U.K.., , ,I was born on Merseyside (home of "The Beetles" !!) and served my Electrical Engineering Apprenticeship on Liverpool Docks., , , During the War I was evacuated to a Welsh Farm in North Wales ("Caerwys") and attended the Holywell Grammar School eight miles distant. There is lots more of course but this will give you just a tiny glimse of Yours Truly.

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