Monthly Archives: March 2013

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS SOME SECRET TRUTHS ABOUT HUSBANDS,WIVES & SWEETHEARTS

Standard

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS SOME SECRET TRUTHS ABOUT HUSBANDS, WIVES AND SWEETHEARTS.

Saved as: ”Website-Husbands Wives etc.doc”

Some of the following are possibly very near to the truth, and the ‘culprits’ would undoubtedly wish them to be kept secret !!!

1: A LOVE LETTER, , , ,
My Dearest Darling,
For you, my Darling, I would swim shark-infested waters.
For you, my Darling, I would scale the highest peaks.
For you, my Darling, I would face wild beasts unarmed.
For you, my Darling I would face torture and death, unflinchingly.

Love and kisses, x x x x x x x ,

Yours adoring sweetheart

Lover-Boy.

P.S. Oh, by the way, I’ll come and see you next week on your Birthday, providing it doesn’t look as if it’s going to rain.

2: Says a Car Driver , , , ”I kept meeting my Girl-Friend at Intersexions”

3: I was seeing a beautiful girl regularly for over a month, , , , , but then I lost my binoculars!!!

4: My girl friend complained that I should be far more affectionate, , , So I got myself two more girl friends.

5: We were kissing and hugging in the car. “Would you like to move onto the back seat?” she asked me. “No” I replied, “ I would much rather stay here in the front with you”.

6: Bill “Harry, keep your eyes open with Jenny, I am sure that she is practicing the world’s oldest profession”
Harry ”You mean she is going in for Carpentry?”

7: I was going out with a suicide bomber, but he went off with someone else.

9: I first met my future husband at a Travel Agency, , , . He was my last resort!!

10: “If I died, would you get married again?”
“We’ll talk about that after it happens”

11: My wife and I are not ‘Snobbish Rolls-Royce sort of people’, , , we can get by with just our three Daimlers and the Lamborghini.

12: Wife: ”John darling, we are just going to have to become a two-income family”
Husband: “Oh excellent darling, are you going to get an evenings job?”

13: Wife: ”Darling, I don’t like you driving around in a car that you build yourself”
Husband: “Shut up and finish knitting those Seat-Belts”

14: I learnt to drive sitting on my Father’s lap holding the steering wheel. When I took my driving test I was so nervous I forgot and jumped onto the Examiner’s lap. We got married about six months after that !!.

15: Notice in a Hardware Shop Window: “HOUSEWIVES: WE WILL FIX WHAT YOUR HUSBAND MENDED FOR YOU LAST WEEK

16: When we were kids we used to play ‘Spin the Bottle’. If it pointed to you when it stopped, a girl could choose to either kiss you or pay you a Rand. By the time I was eighteen, I had made enough money to buy a motorbike.

17: Whilst I was away, my wife told me that I must wear a clean pair of socks each day. By the end of the week, I couldn’t get my shoes on over them all l!.

18: The last time I was in Dublin Airport I had to wait hours for my two bags, namely, my wife and her Mother!!

19: Wife, on phone to husband: ‘’Darling, , , where on earth are you?”
Husband: “In Sheffield”
Wife: “How on earth did you ever get there?”
Husband: “I fell asleep on the tube”
Wife: “But the Underground doesn’t go as far as Sheffield !!”
Husband: “Yes I know, , ,I had to change at Kings Cross”

20: Over-heard at a Christmas Office Party: “Hello Bill, , , , nice to see you again after all this time. My Oh My !! , , , but that was some party we had last year wasn’t it? If you remember, you had to take my wife home !! , , , , How is she, by the way?”

21: In a speech at a 50th Wedding Anniversary: “Thank you all for this wonderful party, and especially for the huge cheque. It will be spent on a second holiday to Poffadder as was the case on our 25th Wedding Anniversary. With a little bit of luck I may even be able to bring my wife back with me this time!!”

22: “I loved Jim like a brothel”.

23: Woman in a Gun Shop “I want to buy a gun for my husband” she says. “Did he tell you what kind of gun?” asks the man behind the counter. ”No” she replied “He doesn’t know yet that I’m going to shoot him

24: Shirley and I were due to be married at the end of the year, but unfortunately she got a new pair of glasses !!

25:: My very shapely girl friend’s pants were so tight, , , , , I could hardly breathe.

26: “My husband was killed by a bee”
“Stung to death huh?”
“No, he was a Tight-Rope Walker”

27: Husband: “Look there’s a bat. You can tell it’s a bat by its high pitched screech”
Wife: “No, , , that was me!!!”

28: Whilst in the army, Jim applied for Compassionate Leave. “My Wife is going to have a Baby” he said. . On his return, his mates asked him if it was a girl or a boy. Jim replied “Oh we won’t know for another nine months”.

29: Husband: “O blast! My razor is as blunt as hell!!”
Wife: “That’s very strange, it was extremely sharp when I was cutting out my leather-work with it yesterday”

30: Joe: “I call my wife “Five-Little-Horses”
Bill: “ How come?”
Joe: “Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag !!”.

31:: A husband and wife were driving slowly past a row of houses in the middle of which was the wife’s sister’s house, of which she was extremely jealous. It had been newly painted and stood out from all the other houses.
“What an Effrontery” hissed the wife.
Husband: “Yes, isn’t it, and the back of the house has also been nicely painted”

32:WHY MEN ARE FAR HAPPIER CREATURES , , , , , , , ,

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate or ice cream is just another snack.
You can never get pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles and aging add character.
Bride’s Wedding dress = R18,000. Groom’s Wedding Suit rental = R200.
People never goggle at your chest when you’re talking to them.
You don’t have to wobble on High Heels or in shoes that are two sizes too small.
You don’t pay a fortune for Lipsticks, Face Powders, Eyebrow Tweezers, Mascara etc
Phone conversations are over within 60 seconds flat.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own bottles and jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she still remains your friend.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You never have bra-strap problems in public (or anywhere else, for that matter!!)
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle and suit lasts for decades.
You can play with toys all your life (although they get more and more expensive).
You can wear shorts no matter how nobly your knees.
You never bother to shave the hairs off your legs. You only shave your face (and some of us bearded types don’t even do that !!)
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.
You can grow a moustache or a beard if you want to.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 15 minutes.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah., , ,but if Richard , David and Joseph go out to lunch, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fatso, Baldy, and Ginger..
At a restaurant, when the bill arrives, three blokes will each chuck in R200 without a second thought, even though it’s only for R500. None of them will have anything smaller and none will want change. But when three girls get the same bill, out will come their pocket calculators.
A man will pay R200 for a R100 item he really needs. But a woman will pay R100 for a R200 item that she doesn’t really need, just because it’s on sale.
A man has 6 items in his bathroom, namely: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. But the average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 200 of these.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. But a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. But a man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping and collect the mail. But a man will only dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. But women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their dentist appointments, their romances, their best friends, their favorite foods, their secret fears and their hopes and their dreams. But a man is vaguely aware of some tiny people roaming about the house.
33: A married man had made passionate love to his secretary all afternoon and, exhausted,, they both fell asleep, only to wake up, at 8 p.m. Whilst dressing he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them in the dirt and the grass. When he got home his wife demanded where he had been. “I can’t lie to you” he replied, “ I have been making love to my secretary” . She looked down at his shoes and said “You liar, you’ve been playing golf!!”

34: A middle aged couple had two amazingly beautiful daughters, then along came a son. When the Father visited the hospital he beheld the ugliest baby boy he had ever seen. ”There is no way I could be the Father of that ugly little brat” he said. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” His wife sweetly replied “No, not this this time!!”

35: A mortician was working on the body of a Mr. Herbert Schwartz and was flabbergasted at the largest penis he had EVER seen in his life. So he removed it for posterity and put it in a jar. After work that day he decided to taken it home and show his wife.
As soon as she saw it, before she could stop herself she burst out ”Oh NO!! Bertie’s dead !! ”
36:A man went into a posh Restaurant, and ordered an expensive bottle of wine and a big juicy top-side. How much will that be?” he asked the waiter. “R2.00 for the wine and R3.00 for the topside” replied the waiter. “I don’t believe it.” said the man “Can I to speak to the Manager?” “ Unfortunately not” said the waiter “He is upstairs with my wife”. “What is he doing with your wife? “ asked the man. “The same thing as I am doing to his business” replied the waiter.



37: Jake was dying and his wife was at his bedside. He said weakly “ I have something to confess so that I can die in piece”. ”There is no need to” replied his wife. “Yes, I must” said Jake, , ,”I slept with your sister, and also your best friend and also with your Mother” “I know” said his wife. “Just rest and relax now darling, so as to let the poison finish its work!!”

38: A woman was in bed with her lover when they heard the husband coming in the front door. “Quick, stand in the corner” she said, and she rubbed baby oil over him. “Pretend you are a statue” she added.

“What is that in the corner?” asked the husband. “Oh it’s a statue” she said. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I also got one”. No more was said and they went to bed. During the night however, the husband got up, went to the kitchen, and returned with a beer and a ham sandwich. “Here” he said to the statue, “Have some sustenance. I stood like this for two days in the Smiths’ ruddy bedroom, and nobody offered me a darned thing”.

39: A Negro was telling his brother, “I was nearly caught out the other night when I slept with a man’s wife and we heard the husband opening the front door” “Good heavens” said his brother ”What on earth did you do?” “I stood in the corner and pretended to be a bronze statue. When then husband came into the bedroom he said ‘What is that in the corner?’ ‘It is a bronze statue I saw going cheap in the Market today’ said the wife. The husband then gave me a mighty kick in the crutch, , , But I had the presence of mind to shout “BONG !”

c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS HUMOUR IN THE LEGAL WORLD

Standard

POPPA HOWARD REVEALS HUMOUR IN THE LEGAL WORLD.

Saved as: “Website-LEGAL Jokes.doc”

1: Sir Joseph Peabody Smith ,a very prominent High Court Judge had just passed an extremely harsh sentence on a case of Slander. After the Court had cleared the aggrieved Accused said to the Judge ‘’Your Honour, you are obviously a man of vast legal knowledge and experience, can I put to you a hypothetical question?’’ The Judge preened himself and said he could by all means. .So the man said ‘’Although it is slanderous to call someone names etc: out loud, is it wrong to just THINK slanderous things?’ ‘’Of course not’’ said the Judge’’ ‘’Are you quite sure of that, your Honour?’’ ‘’Of course I am’’ replied the Judge. ‘’In that case’’ said the man: ‘’I think you are a stupid old goat !!!’’.
TAILPIECE: The Judge spluttered “Don’t you DARE speak to me like that, , , I will have you up for Contempt of Court”
The Accused smiled, looked around and said “But I don’t see any, do you, MR. Smith?!!”

2: In a similar case, a Judge had just passed a very harsh sentence on a case of Slander. The aggrieved Accused said to the Judge “Your Honour, you are obviously a man of vast legal knowledge and experience, can I put to you a hypothetical question?” The Judge preened himself and said he could by all means. .So the man said “Is it slanderous to call a King a Stupid Dirty Old Pig?” “Most definitely” said the Judge. “Well then” said the Accused, “Is it slanderous to call a Stupid Dirty Old Pig a King”’ “Don’t be silly” said the Judge “If you want to talk to a pig, then I pity you”. “Are you quite sure?” asked the Accused. “Of course I am sure” said the Judge. “Thank you, YOUR MAJESTY “ said the Accused.

3:: Lawyer: ”Has that proposed new Law been rescinded?”
Young Affiliate: ”No Sir, it has just been taken away”

4: Witness in Court: ‘’I am certainly not one to blame anyone. But it was definitely Joe Brown’s fault’

5: Witness in Court to Judge: ’“I stuck up for you, Your Honour. The accused said that you hadn’t even got the brains of an ass. But I really stuck up for you, Your Honour. I insisted that you had.”

6: Judge to the Accused: “Tell us in your own words why you stole the Weather Vane”
Accused: ”Well, y’ see, I climbs up onto Church roof to steal the lead flashin’ , but when I gets up there, there weren’t none. So I steals the Weather Cock instead, , ,, ‘cause if I comes ‘ome empty ‘anded, me Missus will think I’ve been up ter no good!!”

7: In an actual Law Society Report, West Surrey, U.K. it was recorded that a man who wished to take divorce proceedings later withdrew the application, , , “in case his wife got to hear about it”’.

8: The sign of an incompetent Lawyer, , , , I won’t confer with you without my own Lawyer being present.

9: Prosecutor: ”Do you see your Father in Court?”
Witness: ”Yes, quite often”

10: Cross Examining Prosecutor: ” , , , and tell me Mr. Jones, who else lives in the house besides you and your Brother Arthur?”
The Accused: “Only my dog Jasper”
Prosecutor: “Is he married?”
The Accused: “No, but he is very interested in a young bitch who lives just down the road”

11: Prosecutor: “To whom are you married”
Witness: “Me Wife, yer ‘oner”

12: Prosecutor :”When you say this side, can you definitely say the left side?”
Witness: “ Sure, easy, ‘The left side’ ”

13: Accused: ”I’ve never been called so many names”
Prosecutor: “You’re not married I take it?”

14: Prosecutor: “Please put an “X” where you fell” (Hands Accused a Marker Pen)
Accused: ”I can’t reach me backside with this pen”

15: Prosecutor: ”Where were you on your bicycle at that time?”
Accused: “On the saddle”

16:: Prosecutor:” , , , and where was the elevator?”
Accused:” It would be either Up or Down”

17: Accused: ”It definitely weren’t me as wot killed the Café Owner because that perticiler night I wuz in the next town, busy shooting two other blokes”.

18: Prosecutor: ”Are you assuming, Doctor, that she is going to live beyond 62 years of age until, under some actuarial tables that, statistically, she would die. Is that right?”
Doctor: ”Yes, certainly, I am assuming that she would live until the time that she dies”

19: Prosecutor: ”Doctor, did you check the pulse and also the breathing to confirm positively that he was actually dead?”:
Doctor: ”No I didn’t”
Prosecutor, (Triumphantly): ” Then in that case Doctor, he could have been still alive!!”
Doctor: “No, he could not possibly have been alive”
Prosecutor (very sarcastically):”Come, come, Doctor, I find that VERY hard to believe, coming from a man of your repute. How could you POISSIBLY be so sure?”
Doctor: ”Well, for one thing, his brains were in a jar of alcohol on my desk!!”
Prosecutor (now deflated, and desperately trying to save face): “Is it perhaps possible that with all the wonders of modern science and medicine, a human body could perhaps still exist physically without a brain?”
Doctor: ”Oh yes, that sometimes happens and they become Prosecutors!!!!”

20: Save a fortune on Legal Fees: viz:- On meeting or being introduced to a Lawyer never ever say “How d’you do ? “ or ”How are you?” otherwise he could reply “It is my considered opinion that I am doing fine and it is my considered opinion that I am in perfect health. That will beR12,200.00 and I will send you my account. Please add an additional R149.00 to cover administration, stationary and postage”

21: Judge: “ORDER! ORDER!!”
Prisoner in the Dock: “Oh! Good!, , I’ll have a Hot Dog, Chips and a Bottle of Pop”

22: Seen on a notice in a Lawyer’s Consulting Waiting Room:- “Have you a marriage problem? ,,,,,,,, If so, I can offer you a lethal solution”.

23: Notice in an Attorney’s Waiting Room:- “Legal Fees are calculated in direct proportion to the amount by which the truth requires to be distorted”

24: Prosecutor: “You say that whilst everyone was fighting everyone else, this person, Jimmy Smith got shot in the fracas? “
Witness :”No Sir, just slightly above his fat ass”.

25:: An African Tribe was trying to hold a court based on European principles. The director in charge of the proceedings had a Law Book and he constantly kept referring to this. At one stage he got a man with a feather duster to run around the court tapping all the African women on their bare breasts. Someone asked him why this was done. He pointed to a passage in the book: “A TITTER RAN THROUGH THE COURT”

26: Prosecutor: :”, , ,and then you went to which Doctor?”
Accused: ”No, fear!! No Witch Doctors for me, I went to a proper one”

27: Lawyers can prove black is black, , , , or white is white, , , or black is white, , , or white is black This, however, is in direct proportion to the amount that they are being paid. (Johnathan Swift, 1667 – 1745)

28: Judge: “How do you see yourself as being the son of a very rich Father?
Accused: “Oh easy, I just look in me mirror, Yer Honour”

29: Lawyer to Husband regarding making his Will: “Unfortunately there is a rupture between the Testators, , , and until the Assignees can come together, there can be no further movement”
Wife to Husband when he got home: “How did you get on with your Lawyer ?”
Husband: “He said that, unfortunately, my testicles are ruptured, and until I can get my ass and my knees together I am going to become constipated”

30: Whenever I go to buy anything important I always take my Lawyer with me. This ensures that nobody can ‘pull a fast one’ on me. But actually, the main reason of course, is that he is my Husband.

31: I just love one of Jeffrey Archer’s short stories in which a woman is being held for “questioning” in a murder case. Everything hinges on the fact that she REALLY is totally blind. The Police tried every trick in the book to try and trip her up, but eventually, they have to admit that she really was absolutely totally blind.

Then our ‘Hero Detective’ had a brilliant idea, , , Namely , a young chap in his Department had a glass eye and he was brought into the Interview Room and was sat at a table in front of her. He then took out his glass eye, took a silk handkerchief out of his pocket and proceeded to polish it. He then looked at her squarely in the face with his eyeless socket face and grinned at her, , SHE PUKED!!!

32: The Public Prosecutor gazed with pitying eyes on the little old woman in the Witness Box “Now my dear” he said in a very condescending voice “I want you to answer some very simple little questions. Do you think you can do that for me?, , , , , Yes?” , , , ”First, I would like to ask you ‘Do you know who I am mmmmmmm ?’”

The Little Old Lady shocks him to the core by replying in a loud sonorous voice and spearing him with a piercing contemptuous look, , , , ,
“Oh yes, I know YOU alright “ she says “You are no other than that snotty nosed kid who lied and cheated, was bone idle, always bottom of the class and also a big cowardly bully. As a teenager you stole cars, raped young girls, smoked in Church and pissed in the Town Fountain. When you grew up you turned into a manipulator, a schemer, a business shark, and you are still a big bully. You cheated on your wife, having had at least three other women, one of whom was the Judges wife!! You also have a drinking problem, , , Shall I go on?”

The Prosecutor turned white and was speechless. The Judge summoned him to the Bench and hissed at him “ I want a word with you in private after this trial , , , AND IF YOU DARE ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS WHO I AM, I WILL SEND YOU TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!!!!”

33:The Mayor of a small town in America completely solved the problem of all ILLEGALLY PARKED CARS by arranging to have them run over by an Army Tank !!!