POPPA HOWARD REVEALS WELL-KEPT-SECRET
DUMB- BLOND JOKES !!
Saved as: “WebSite-DUMB BLOND Jokes.doc”
Did you know that there is a secret organization called the S.O.D.B.J. namely,
,. the “Society Of Dumb Blond Jokes?”
In this Society, Sensible Blonds go out of their way to try and prove that Blonds are NOT dumb!! In their records they have nearly 70 such jokes that need to be ‘squashed’. But, after a lot of dangerous detective and under-cover work, I managed to obtain copies of these records and I reproduce them below.
I hope that you fully appreciate the very high risks that I had to take, solely for your enjoyment !!
Off we go then , , , , , , ,
1: Dumb Blond “We must nip this thing in the butt”.
2: Dumb Blond “I’m not going to be an escape ghost for anybody”
3: Dumb Blond “My decapitated coffee is really something to die for”.
4: “Lecturer: “Do you know your Shakespeare?”
Dumb Blond: “Gosh ! am I ? , , , , , I thought I was Betty Smith”
5: Dumb Blond: ”Why should I have to pay R255.00 for a book of free verse?”
6 Peggy “ Oh it was SO romantic, , , champagne, soft lights, Tchaikovsky in the background”
Dumb Blond Friend: “Who was ‘Chi Cow Skee’, a Chinaman?”
7: Peggy “Was yours a marriage of convenience?”
Dumb Blond Friend “No, far too smelly, , ,we got married in a Church”
8: Dumb Blonde “I have shortened all my electrical cords in order to save electricity”.
9: Dumb Blond Secretary to a friend: “Recently my boss has been complaining about my punctuation, so I now try and get to work early”
10: Boss to Dumb Blond Secretary: “If you can’t get here on time I will just have to get another Secretary!!”
Dumb Blond Secretary: ”Do you think there will be enough room for both of us?”
11: Dumb Blond “ I couldn’t settle in Italy, it would be like living in a foreign country”.
12: A certain Dumb Blond I know would buy ANYTHING that is marked down. The other day she brought an Escalator !
13: Peggy, following a visit to a farm: “I did not see a single cow”
Dumb Blond Friend “Did you perhaps see a married one”
14: Dumb Blond, watching an aeroplane: “What kind of aeroplane is that ?” Little Boy: ”That is a Mail Plane Auntie” Dumb Blond “Oh is it? , , , I always thought that those were its wheels”
15: Dumb Blond “Do Pigeons walk ‘Man-Toed’ ?”
16: A Dumb Blond was in a store reading a magazine off a bookshelf when the manager came up to her and said ”This is not a Library you know” . “Oh” she said “Splendid, , , , so I don’t have to talk softly then?”
17: Dumb Blond “I do like Beethoven, especially his essays and poems”.
18: Peggy “Last week I took Johnny to see Dr Zhivago”
Dumb Blond Friend “Why? , , , was he sick?”
19: Peggy ”Are you attending the Cannes Film Festival this year?
Dumb Blond Friend “It all depends where it is being held this year”
20: Dumb Blond “The Moon must be one of the most inhospitable places on earth”
21: Dumb Blond “ Is ‘Arms Control’ some kind of deodorant?”
22: Dumb Blond “ If I put another postage stamp on this letter it will only make it heavier so I will then have to put another stamp on it, which will make it even heavier, so I will then have to put another stamp on it which will, , ,”
Peggy: “ OH SHUT UP!!”.
23: A Dumb Blond made herself a FREE already printed Address Book as follows: She simply got a free Telephone Directory and crossed out all the names that were not applicable
24: Peggy “A Country’s President is married to ‘The First Lady’ “
Dumb Blond “I wonder if she ever saw any dinosaurs”
25: Customer in a modern record shop: “Do you have Handel’s Water Music”
Dumb Blond Assistant: “Is he on his own or with a band?”
26: Peggy “I saw Jane in a Beauty Parlour yesterday”
Betty “Wow!! ‘Eye-Sore Plain Jane’ in a Beauty Parlour!! Did it work?”
27: Dumb Blond “Tell me Peggy, was it you or your brother that was killed during the war?”
28: Peggy: “My Great-grandfather fell at Waterloo”
Dumb Blond Friend “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. On which platform was it ?”
29: Peggy ”Why were you fired from the Bank?”
Dumb Blond “An old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over”
30: Peggy: “ Jane has a very plain face, certainly no Rembrandt”
Dumb Blond Friend: “ Yes I fully agree, certainly not a piece of left-over material that could be put to any good use”
31: Peggy “Have you any concrete evidence of ghosts?”
Dumb Blond Friend “No, I have never seen a ghost made of concrete”
32: Peggy “Can I interest you in a night-cap?”
Dumb Blond Friend “No thanks Peggy, I prefer to sleep bare-headed”
33: Peggy “Life is like a cup of tea”
Dumb Blond Friend “Yes please, milk, no sugar. What were you saying just now ? ‘Life is , , , ,?’ ”
34: Peggy and her Dumb Blond Fried were watching a Funeral Procession.
Peggy “Who is dead?”
Dumb Blond Friend “The guy in the coffin, I suppose!”
35: Peggy to Dumb Blond Friend outside the room “To open the door you must turn the knob on your side”
Dumb Blond “But Peggy, my body hasn’t got a knob on its side!!”
36: ”Buy a raffle ticket for the Church for R5.00 ?”
Dumb Blond “What on earth would I do with a Church if I won it?”
37: Beggar: ”Can you help me out?”
Dumb Blond “ Sure, , , which entrance did you come in by?”
38: Man, waiting on the pavement: ““Call me a cab”
Dumb Blond: “Okay, , , , , ‘You silly old Ford Eight“
39: Dumb Blond “ I save a fortune on batteries, , , I take them out of my doorbell then I simply check the door every 2 minutes”
40: Dumb Blond “I saw a large notice at the bottom of a shop escalator stating “Dogs must be carried”. But although I searched and searched everywhere, I couldn’t find one to carry!”
41: Psychic: “God bless you”
: Dumb Blond “But I didn’t sneeze”
Psychic: “No, but you will do!!”
Dumb Blond to a fried a month later “Blow me down, she’s terrific! , , , Two weeks later, I really did sneeze!!”
42: Dumb Blond “I have just thought of a fantastic way of getting instant boiling water. You simply put boiling water in the Deep Freeze then you just defrost it whenever you need some boiling water in future”
43: Dumb Blond: ”The cooking recipe states ‘separate two eggs’ so I put one in the lounge and one in the bedroom”.
44: Dumb Blond: “The first time my husband asked me for an aspirin and a glass of water, I rang Mummy for the recipe”
45: Dumb Blonde: ”My new state of the arts microwave flashes ‘Enjoy what you have just taken out’, , , but how do I ‘enjoy’ my panties after drying them in it ? ”
46: Dumb Blonde “The trouble with jogging is that the ice keeps jumping out of my glass”
47: Dumb Blond “I don’t want to die. I think that death is a grossly overrated past-time”.
48: Dumb Blond at the Gym: “Can you teach me to do the splits”
.Instructor: “That depends on how flexible you are
Dumb Blond “How about Tuesday afternoons?”
49: Dumb Blond “ So there I was, standing by the coffin in a Funeral Parlour and I was fingering the electric torch in my pocket, when this made me think, , , , Gosh, I wonder what happens if they have put him in the coffin the wrong way around!! “
50: Dumb Blond “How long will this 24 hour strike last?”
51:Dumb Blond “ Do you realize that there are people alive here in New York that are already dead in Tokyo?”
52: Blond: “They say that Genocide is fatal, even if you only drink a tiny little sip of it.”
53: Dumb Blond: “Does the House of Lords stand in its own grounds ?”
54: Dumb Blond in a Toy Shop “ Have you any Balloons?”
Shop Assistant “What size would you like Madam?”
Dumb Blond “ Oh, about 4 inches or so”
55: Dumb Blond in a Chemist “Have you any Tooth Paste please?”
Shop Assistant “What kind did you want Madam?”
Dumb Blond “The kind where you squeeze the tube and the paste comes out of a little hole at one end”
56: Dumb Blond “My Brother was a Tenant in a flat and he left it to join the Army, so they made him a ‘Left-Tenant’
57: Private Smith “I am dreading going back to the army again after this leave, because my Corporal is going to punish me for being late for my last parade”
His Dumb Blond Sister “Gosh ! ‘Corporal-Punishment’! Does this mean that you are going to be flogged”.
58: Little Johnnie: “In Sunday School today we were taught how to fenugreek by bending our knees and crossing ourselves”
Dumb Blond Mother “No Darling, the word is ‘Circumflex’ ”
59: In Dumb Blond language, , , “I’ll meet you at 9- o – clock tomorrow morning” is just a figure of speech!!
60: Dumb Blond: “I am going to marry an Archaeologist because as I get older and older he will become more and more interested in me!” (originally this was actually said by Agatha Christie about her second husband, , ,her first one having fallen in love with someone else!!)
61: Friend of Dumb Blond “So, you are getting married. Have you picked a date yet?”
Dumb Blonde: “I didn’t think you were allowed to bring a date long to your wedding”
62: Peggy: “My daughter died in hospital last week”
Dumb Blond Friend: “ Gosh, I’m sorry to hear that Peggy. Was she younger or older than you?”
63: Dumb Blond to friend: “My Doctor told me to start exercising slowly, so today I very slowly drove past the gym”.
64: Dumb Blonde: “My Doctor told me that I have ‘In Groin Toenails, but although I keep looking, I haven’t seen any growing out of my groin yet”
65: Tubby Dumb Blond: “I weigh myself every day, but I can’t see the Scale because my large tummy is in the way, , , . But this is a good thing, because now I don’t have to worry about my weight! , , , However, I must weigh only HALF of what others of my size and shape weigh, because I only stand on ONE foot”
66: Dumb Blonde to Surgeon: “What kind of Surgeon are you?”
Surgeon: I am a Naval Surgeon”
Dumb Blonde: “ Gosh ! Do you operate on peoples belly buttons then?”
67: Then there was the Dumb Blonde that kept holding her watch up to her ear because on one occasion she was told that every second counts !!
END OF DUMB BLOND JOKES