POPPA HOWARD REVEALS ALTERNATIVE DEFINITIONS TO WELL KNOWN WORDS AND PHRASES By “Poppa Howard”, The Abbot, Trappist Monkey Monastery, Poffadder!!! Saved as: “ WebSite-DAFFY DEFINITIONS.doc” Hereunder I reveal alternative meanings to well-known words and phrases, , , some being amusing, some hilarious, some even being very wise and a couple a little bit ‘Smutty’. , , , , , , But read on, , , and smile, or giggle, or roar with laughter, or scratch or nod your head in wise agreement, or just “Tut – Tut” as the case maybe! Some you may have to read slowly and think about it, before you get the point. Some are absolutely terrific. Some are absolutely awful !! Some are as old as the hills!! Off we go then , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1:: ACCOUNTANT: Someone who comes to a much higher figure after he has added up all your expenses
2: ADVICE: What we look for when we know the answer perfectly well but heartily wish that we didn’t !!
3: AFFLUENCE: That extremely short period between the last payment and the first repair-bill !!
4: AUTHORITY: Someone who informs you, in no uncertain terms, about something that you wish you didn’t know !!
5: BARGAIN: Something that you have just bought at twice the price, or you don’t need, and at a price you can’t resist or afford.
6: BATH-MATS: Little dry rugs that youngsters won’t stand on !!
7: BUDGET: A very careful plan for going broke methodically !!
8: BULLDOZER: One who sleeps through a political speech.
9: DISCRETION: The art of putting two and two together and keeping your mouth shut !
10: DIPLOMACY: The art of jumping into troubled waters without making a splash
11: FINANCIAL GENIOUS: A man who can earn money faster than his wife and family can spend it
12: GRANDPA: A wild horse that has been tamed by his son in preparation for his grandson to ride !!
13: HOLY GATHERING: A boil on a Bishop’s neck !!
14: HONEY MOON That very brief period between “I do” and “You’d better” !!
15: IDIOT: Someone who does not know what you have only just learnt !!
16: JARGON: A disguise cleverly employed to describe something in a complex format without giving a single thing away !!
17:JOURNALIST: Someone with absolutely nothing in his or her head but having the ability to express it persuasively.
18: LATEST MODEL; Something that that you have just bought at a price you can’t afford that immediately becomes out of fashion. Or: A bargain that becomes immediately available at half-price just after you have bought the old model at great expense!!
19: LIVING WAGE: A hugely differing amount, depending entirely upon whether you are paying it or receiving it !!
20: MIDDLE AGE: This is when knees buckle, and belts don’t !!
21: MICROWAVE: Just wiggling the fingers to attract attention.:
21: OLD AGE: Chronologically Gifted !!
22: OPTIMIST: Someone who REALLY believes that a House Fly is looking for a way out !!
23: CATASTROPHY: A combined name for , , , A Feline Animal , , , A Donkey , , , and , , , , , , A Cup given as a Prize.
24: SIGH: An Amplifier for people who suffer in silence !!
25: NEUROTIC: The One who builds castles in the air ,,,
PSYCOPATH: The One who lives in them ,,,
PSYCHIATRIST: The One who collects the rent !!
26: PETTY SQUABLER: One who would squabble over a deck-chair on the Titanic.
27: MONEY: Money is better than poverty, , , ,even if only for financial reasons !!
28: FAIRY TALE: Not every Fairy Tale begins with “Once upon a time ,,,” Very many begin with: “When I am elected,,,, “ !!!
29: PATIENCE: This is something you greatly admire in the driver behind you ,(“ThanksfornotSittingonmyBumper”) but never in the one ahead of you (“Hurryup,DarnYou!!!! “) Or: The ability to still let your light shine ,,, AFTER YOUR FUSE HAS BLOWN !!
30: RAINSTORMS, , ,THEIR CAUSES, , , a): High Pressure Areas. b): Cold Fronts. c): Warm Moist Air. d): Weekends and Holidays !!
31: AN ADULTRESS: A Lady Adult
32: IMAGE: He is very aged
33: OLD AGE: Someone who is 20 years older than you are!
34: RACIST: A person who Runs.
35: ATHEISM: A Non-Prophet Organization.
36: GERIATRIC A German Footballer scoring three goals in a row.
37: BRAIN: An apparatus with which we think we think.
38: INDECENT: When a cork is hard enough and far enough into a bottle.
39: FAIR ENOUGH: I am a Fairy, and my name is ‘’Nuff’’ , , , ‘’Fairy Nuff’’
40: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Being forced to live in London for 5 years.
41: POSTULATE: Someone Posts something to you too Late to be of any use.
42: MONOPOLLY: A girl all on her own called ‘Polly’
43: HONOUR AMONGST THIEVES: Why would anyone want to insert “Honour” between ‘THI” and “EVES.? , , , , ,as you will end up with “THI honour EVES” !!!
44: TRANSPARENT: A Father taking a bus from one town to another..
45: GAGGA: Genetically Mentally Impaired (Latin: “Impejorarer” )
46: ONE MINUTE: Usually 60 seconds, unless preceded by the words “JUSTA”
47: IN A JIFFY: Anything from 8 seconds to several weeks. The latter is usually preceded by the words: “I’LL HAVE IT FIXED,,, “
48: BANSHEE: A notice forbidding the entry of females.
49: SURPLUS: Cast- off white robes that the Vicar dresses in.
50: PATHOLOGIST: One who makes or maintains paths.
51: BRANCH MANAGER: A Gardener who trims Trees and Hedges
52: FAITH: Faith is trying to believe in something you can’t believe in.
52: NIL ILLIGITIMUS CARBORUNDUM: Don’t let the bastards wear .you down.
53: PANIC: In a Nunnery when Mother Superior finds a toilet seat up !!
54: PROPHET: Money made on a transaction. Usually expressed as a percentage.
55: MYTH: A Female Moth, , , or a Young Girl with a lisp. .
56: MISFIRE: An unmarried female full of vigor.
57: MISCONCEPTION: A person whose Mother missed giving birth to her child.
58: MIRAGE: When a man and a woman are joined together in Holy Acrimony.
59: EJECTION: This is a button on a seat that should NEVER be pressed if you are ever invited into the cock-pit of a Boeing 707 during a Trans-Atlantic flight.
60: AFFLUENT: Someone who has just flown in an aeroplane, or has just recovered from the Flu’
61. DEPEND: The opposite end to the shallow end.
62: PRIVATE PARTS: The screws or rivets needed to affix a “PRIVATE’ label to an office door.
63: PHYSIOTHERAPIST: The man who puts the Fizz into Coke.
64: RATIFY: To get rid of Mice in Building .
65: PRODUCT: A Professional’s Passageway.
66: OVERCAST: Too many players in the act!! Or:- You Cast your Fishing Line too far beyond where all the fish are!!
67: PRECONCEIVED IDEA: An idea conceived before it was even thought of
68: HERMETICALLY SEALED: Sealed up by a Hermit.
69: MARMITE: But Father wouldn’t !!!
70: DYNAMITE: Dina might but Harry wouldn’t !!!
71: DISCONCERTING: A disruption during a Concert..
72: LICENSE: Telling a lie sensibly so that it sounds very convincing.
73: TRIGONOMETRY: The study of pulling the trigger faster than your opponent. is able to do when dueling with pistols.
74: PALMISTRY: The History of Palm Trees.
75: DEMONSTRATE: A reformed Demon now going Straight.
76: MANIFOLD: A Wrestling Hold whereby my opponent is folded in half.
77: LACKADAISICAL: A lawn stripped of its Daisies.
78:CONTENT: What Connie sleeps in when she goes camping.
79: SAVIOUR: A very thrifty person
80: DELIVER The act of removing someone’s Liver..
81: VESTED INTERESTS: Being very interested in different kinds of men’s underwear.
82: INVESTITURE CHEST: Wear a Vest and Itch your Chest
83: IN ABSTENTIA: An employee who works in an ABSA Bank.
84: LESBIAN: An inhabitant of Lesotho.
85: EMPORIUM: A place where hard- up Emperors live when they are too poor to live in their castles.
86: COALITION GOVERNMENT: The GoverningBody of a CoalMine.
87:AFFIRMATIVE ACTION: Nodding one’s head in agreement
88: ANTIQUE: A person who is dead against being in a queue.
89: UNIQUE: A lot of people made to form only one single queue.
90: PROPENSITY: A preference for using a Pen rather than a pencil when in the City.
91: ALTERNATIVE: Convert a Cannibal.
92: ALTERATION: A change of one’s Ration
93: MANDATE: Going out on a Datewith a Man. And:, , , Not Female, but the Male version of a fruit called a Date…
94: NOBILITY: The art of being able to turn a Knob with greasy fingers or wearing woolly gloves.
95: SQUANDER: Wander around the Town Square.
96 MATRICULTE: Having successfully done a Trick on a Mat when you are Late.
97: SOUND ADVICE: Training in Singing and Speaking properly.
98: MAMMOTH: A Moth’s Mother.
99: TRUSTING: When you find out that something is actually ‘True’, there is very often a ‘Sting’ to it !!.
100: MANAGE: The Age of a Male Human Being.
101: DIAGNOSIS: Measuring the ‘Diameter’ of a circle by using the ‘Nose’ of your ‘Sister’ to sniff out the length of the path from side to side (Note:The path must go through the Centre).
102: CONNOISSEUR: Connie lives in a Sewer.
103: REPRESENTATIVE: A Rep’ who resents things all the time.
104: DEFENCE: To remove a Fence.
105: DEMOTE: To remove Dust Motes in Carpets.
106: DEVOTION: Cancel your Vote, after you have already voted.
107: DECANTER: Fall off a Horse when it changes from a trot into a Canter.
107: DECIDER: Spitting out a mouthful of Cider.
109: DECOCTION: A rude slang word for ‘Castration”.
110: DISCOVER: The paper or plastic Cover that houses a Compact Disc or a D.V.D.
111: TRANSCRIPT: A Letter written on a means of transport.
112: TRANSDUCER: A Two-Timer on a means of transport.
113: TRANSPOSE: Pose for a camera when on a means of transport.
114: TRANSLATE: The Bus is Late
115: TRANSMUTE: A Deaf and Dumb Man on a means of trans[port.
116: TRANSPORT: Carry a Glass of Port from one room to another.
117: TRANSFORM: Carry a Form from one room to another
118:TRANSFORMER: Change ‘er bad habits into good ones.
119: TRANSISTOR: Meet a friend’s Sister on a means of transport.
120 ISOLATE: Said by Farmers that Sow in April when they should have sown in March. Or: Said by someone who is Late for a Date.
121: PERSPEX: Spectacles worn by a Fruit. Or: An abbreviation for “A Pair of Spectacles”
122: HOMEOPATH: A Pathway leading to your Home.
123: OPTICIAN: A Technician trained to carry out Operations..
124: LAZER: A person who is Lazy.
125: LAZER BEAM: A Beam that Lazy people sit on.
126: PARTICLES: Pa Tickles you.
127: ELECTRICITY GRID: An Electrically illuminated Manhole.
128: SHORT CIRCUIT: A very small Circular Race Track.
129: PATENT: A Tent at the entrance to a Circus where you Pay for admission.
130: ICE CREAM: What I do if a Mouse runs up the inside of my Trouser Leg.
131: RING WORM: Telephone an Insect.
132: MAN EATING TIGER: What you might see when a successful Game Hunter has his Supper.
133: MOTH WITH A LISP TEARING AROUND A CANDLE: “Sterling Moth” !!!.
134: TAILOR: Someone who can trim a Dog’s Tail effectively.
135: CANOPY: A Bucket of Urine.
136: BISHOP: A Shop that sells Bicycles. OR:- Two adjacent Shops that have been combined into one.
137: BEETROOT: Flog that part of a plant that goes into the soil.
138: FURLONG: An Animal with exceptionally long fur.
139: ORGANIC: Appertaining to Organists and Organs
140: BENIGN: To be one year older that eight, , , , but one year younger than ten.
141: TOUCAN: Can do it faster than OneCan, , , but slower than ThreeCan.
142: MINUTE SECRETARY: An exceedingly tiny Shorthand Typist
143: PRUDENT: A Prune with a Dentin it !!
144: MIDDLESEX: Having Sex in Mid -Morning or in the Middle of the night !! OR:- A Scottish Regiment, ,, because they can’t be men as they wear skirts , , , and they can’t be women because they have hairy legs !!!
145: ANGELIC: Appearance of an Angel after he had flown into a Jelly !!
146: TOPICAL” When the Top is Tickled
147: PROCEEDED: A Professional Gardener has planted seeds.
148: INTENSITIES: When one has been:- in Ten Cities.
149: SOFISTICATION: Being So handy with his Fists!!
150 :GERMOLENE: A Germ that attacks Thin People
151: IMPAIRED: When selecting Partners for a Game , , He has been Paired off
152: SEASONED WARRIOR: A soldier who survived Mustard Gas or a Pepper Spray.
153: COFFEE: The person upon whom one coughs
154: FLABBERGASTED: Aghast at the amount of flabbier one has put on.
155: NEGLIGENT: When a gentleman answer the door in his nightgown.
156: GARGOYLE: An Olive-Oil flavored gargle mouth-wash.
157: BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline.
158: OVERHEAD CRANE: A large bird flying at a great height.
159: MASTIFF: Mother has Arthritis.
160: EXAMPLE: No longer plentiful., , , OR:- Plenty of eggs.
161: EXPOSES: No longer poses for pictures for adverts
162: EXCLAIM: No longer makes a claim.
163 : EXPRESS: No longer works for a Newspaper
164: EXTENSION: No longer under tension.
165: EXACT: No longer an Actor or an Actress.
166: EXPUNGES: No longer Sponges down in the Shower.
167: EXTEND: No longer looks after Sheep.
168: EXAM: No longer eats Ham.
169: EXAMINE: No longer works down a Mine.
170: EXPLAIN: Now living on a Mountain.
171: PALMISTRY: A Tropical Tree’s Life Story..
172: PSYCHIC: Give a big sigh just before you kick somebody.
173 : ORBITUARY: A bit of a path that the Earth makes around the Sun
174: DECIDER: Dee drink made wid dee Fermented Apples.
175: And here now is a bunch of Medical terms , , , , , ,
Antibody……………………………. -Against everyone.
Artery ……………………………….. -The study of Paintings
. Bacteria…………………………….. -Back door of a cafeteria
.BloodVessel:…………………… A Bloody Ship.
Caesarean Section…………… – A district inRome.
Cardiology……………………….. -A study of PokerPlaying.
Castrate………………………… .When fishing, don’t cast all cock-eyed.
CatScan…………………………… -Searching for fleas on a kitty..
Coma……………………………….. -Punctuation mark.
Cortisone……………………….. – The Area around a Court.
Cyst…………………………………. -Short for Sister.
Flatulence…………………… The Ambulance that picks you up after you are run over by a Steamroller
Diagnosis……………………….. -Person with Slanted Diagonal Nose.
Dilate………………………………. – Diana.is late for a meeting
Dislocation…………………….. -In this place.
Duodenum……………………… – A Couple in blue jeans.
Enema…………………………….. – The very opposite of a friend.
Genes……………………………… -Blue denim,,,,(or:-Belongs to Jean)
Hernia…………………………….. -She is close by.
LabourPain………………….. – Hurt at work.
Lactose……. ……………………. -People without toes.
Lymph…………………………….. -To walk with a lisp.
Microbe…….. ………………….. – A Small Dressing Gown.
Obesity…………………………… -City of Obe.
Prostate…………………………. A Professional States something.
Proteins…………………………… -In favour of teens. .
Red Blood Count.. …………. -Dracula.
Tablet……………………………….-A Small Table.
Testicle ……………………….. A humorous question in an exam.
Varicose…………………………..- Very close
176: SCABBARD: A Hard Scab over a sore..
177: LOAFING: The act of eating a piece of Bread.
178: MARCHING: The Mother of a Chinaman called “Ching”.
179: SYNDROME: Committing a sin in an Italian City.
180: SYNDICATES: A Minister or Priest indicates areas of sin in one’s life.
181 : MACULAR DEGENERATION: A medical term for Masculine decline.
182: IMMACULATE CONCEPTION: A spotlessly pure Idea or Notion.
183: CELL PHONES: What prisoners in jail use to call one another.
184: PSYCHOPATHS: Paths that Mediums use,
185: NERVOUS WRECK: A Shipwreck with Neurotic Twitching.
186 ARSENIC: Poisoned by sitting on a Razor Blade!
187: SINGLET: A Child Soprano
188: HAMLET: A small Village specializing in rearing Piglets.
189: DIELECRTRIC: To be Electrocuted.
190: DIALOGUE: Kill a Tree Trunk.
191: PARKINSON’S DISEASE: ‘Sunburn’ when you sit too long in the sun.
192: MENOPAUSE: Men who pause for breath
193: MENTION: Men standing to attention.
194: IMPLIES: A Mischievous Spirit telling Fibs.
195: IMPART: Paintings and Drawings done by a Mischievous Spirit.
196: BABOON: A Baby that, perhaps one day, is born on the Moon !!
197: BALLOON: A Ball designed to be played on the Moon (This would be ten times heavier than an earth ball to prevent it from floating off into outer space!!).
198: BELONG: The opposite of “Be Short”
199: ALARM: Alfred’s Arm
200: ALABASTER: Alfred is a Bastard!!
201: CUSTODIANS: A Society whose Members have a Long Tradition for a liking of Custard.
202: HOOPOE: Sorry folks, please excuse the smell, , , it was me !!
203: ADAMANT: A darn Ant !!
204: ADMINISTER: Add on another Parson.
205: CELIBATE: Hold a very big Party when you have decided to give up sex.
206: CATALYST: A Cat walking with a slant.
207: CALCULUS: An illogical Conjuring Trick that performs what logical Mathematics cannot do!!
208: MASSAGE: A huge crowd of people who have grown old.
209: TESTIMONIALS: The little moans given when students open their exam papers and see the questions! OR:- The moaning sound made by Testicles in pain!!
210: FLABBERGASTED: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
211: WILLY NILLY: What an impotent male has.
212: NEGLIGENT: ;A man absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightdress.
213: LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.
214: GARGOIL: To Gargle with Olive Oil.
.215:: BALDERDSH: A rapidly receding hairline. ;
216: CIRUMVENT: A n opening in the front of Boxer Shorts worn by Jewish men.
217: PARSIMONIOUS: A Minister moaning about something or other.
218: PERCENTAGE: A Pear starts to smell as it gets old.
219: PRODUCER: A Professional Two-Timer.
220: PRETENDER: Put in a Tender to Government Departments prior to competitors.
221: PROCEED: A Professional Seed Supplier.
222: TRANSDUCER: A Two-Timer using email or crossing the Atlantic.
223: MANDATE: A Man having a Date.
224: FELAPTON: This is NOT a joke and, as such, should not really be in this Document. ‘Felapton’ is not in the Shorter Oxford Dictionary (but it IS included in the Complete Oxford Dictionary). If you want to confuse anybody or impress them, here it is , , , ,
A “FELAPTON” is a mnemonic word to represent a syllogistic argument in the third figure, in which there is one universal negative and one universal affirmative premise and a particular negative conclusion.
(That’s enough now Poppa !!!!)
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END OF ‘DAFFY DEFINITIONS’