POPPA HOWARD QUESTIONS PUBLIC NOTICES AND ADVERTISEMENTS

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POPPA  HOWARD QUESTIONS PUBLIC NOTICES AND ADVERTISEMENTS

Saved as “Website-PUBLIC NOTICES.doc”

The following Notices and Advertisements are certainly “Questionable” in more ways than one, , ,  and I am sure  that many of the readers of these will not grasp their original intent.

Off we go then , , , , , , ,

1 Notice in a Laundry in Rome.
LADIES, WHY NOT LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

2: Notice in a Laundry in England

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED.

3: A Junk Mail Advertisement:

BRAILLE DICTIONARY FOR SALE.  MUST BE SEEN TO BE APPRECIATED.

 

4: Another Junk Mail Advert’:

MOTIVATION TAPES FOR SALE. NEVER  BEEN  USED.

5:  Notice in a Dry Cleaners , Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR SOME FANTASTIC RESULTS.
6:  Notice in a Tokyo Hotel
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING THINGS IN BED

7: Advertisement in a French Newspaper

ALL OUR BEDROOMS ARE PROVIDED WITH  FRENCH  WIDOWS

8:  Notice in a French Hotel.

OUR ROOMS ARE SPOTTYLESS.  A CHAMBER MAID WILL DO YOU ONCE A DAY.

9: Advertisement seen on a Welsh Farm Gate

TWENTYONE YEAR OLD LAYING HENS FOR SALE.

10 Advertisement for Donkey Rides in Thailand:
COME AND ENJOY A RIDE ON YOUR OWN  ASS

11:  Seen on a Hospital Notice Board

IT IS OUR POLICY TO DO OUR UTMOST TO SEE PATIENTS IN AGONISING  PAIN AS SOON AS WE POSSIBLY CAN.

12:  Seen on a Poster in France:
ARE YOU  SOMEONE WHO IS BLIND OR CANNOT READ?   IF SO, SEE ALL THE DETAILS BELOW,  BECAUSE WE CAN HELP.YOU

13: Notice in a  Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED  AS A MAN.

14:  Notice In a Cocktail Lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

15: Notice in a Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

16:  Notice in a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

17:  Warning Notice on the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS  IMPASSABLE.

18:  Notice in a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND ALSO AT WEEK-ENDS.

19:  Notice in a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE  PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

20: Seen on the menu in a  Swiss Restaurant

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE  FOR.

21: Notice seen in a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR LADIES WITH NUTS.

22: Notice in a Hotel in Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING  OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

23:: Notice in a Hotel in Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED  TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

24:  Notice in a Moscow Hotel:- “YOU REALLY MUST VISIT OUR FAMOUS RUSSIAN CEMETERY, RIGHT OPPOSITE OUR HOTEL WHERE  FAMOUS SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT ON THURSDAYS.

25:  Also ion a Moscow Hotel:- “YOU REALLY MUST ALSO  VISIT OUR BIG CATHEDRAL, NEXT TO THE CEMETERY.  AS YOU ENTER YOU WILL BE IMMEDIATELY STRUCK BY THE HUGE DOOR”.

26:  Notice in Germany ‘s Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR  BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX   (FOR INSTANCE, MEN  AND WOMEN) TO LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH  OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

27:  Notice in a Hotel in Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE  IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOMS, IT  IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

28: IN A CHILDREN’S ZOO IN ENGLAND, NOTICES ARE DISPLAYED ON THE VARIOUS PENS:- For the Zebra:“ You can Kiss my Zebra”, For the Goat: ”You can kiss my Goat”, For the Pony: “You can Kiss my Pony’”, For the Donkey: “You can Kiss my      Donkey:”, ,  , , , , , ,GOTCHA !!!

29:  Notice in a Zoo in England

THE CROCODILES WILL BE  FED AT 2:15 P.M.  DO BRING YOUR CHILDREN.

30:  Notice in an African Game Park:

OUR WILDLIFE PARK IS FAMOUS FOR  ATTACKING TOURISTS.

31:  Seen on a Game Park Notice near Uppington,South Africa

NO DOGS ALLOWED  EXCEPT ON LEASHES  OR  BICYCLES.

 

32:  Notice in a Local Newspaper

Next Saturday, a Baby Show will be held in the Town Hall. We expect there to be about sixtyone year old babies coming

.

33: Seen on a notice in a Lawyer’s  Consulting Waiting Room

Have you a marriage problem?  ,,,,,,,,  If so, I can offer you a lethal solution.

                               

34: Seen in a Medical Insurance Rules Book

Where an operation proves fatal, at least one month’s prior notice must be given

35: Seen on a Hospital Entry Application Form

If you are Female, please provide:-  (a):Your Married Name,  and (b) Your Mating Name.

36: Job Advert’

ENERGETIC PEOPLE  REQUIRED WITHOUT GOING  PERSONALITIES.

 

37: Seen on a Medicine Label

TAKE ONE SPOONFUL AFTER BREAKFAST AND SUFFER..

 

38: Notice in a Vet’s Waiting Room

WE SPECIALISE IN CASTRATING DOGS AND CADS

39: Announcement in the Quarterly Journal of an Institute

We are very proud of the fact that our Institute has spread its testicles far and wide throughout the Country..

40: Seen in a Government Report

WE MUST HAVE MORE CUNTS IN THE MINISTRY OF DEFENCE.

41:  In a Report to a Board Meeting

Before going into full production a mock-up must be organized. In the past, these cock-ups have proved most beneficial.

42: A Newspaper Heading

Nearly 100,000 people have been forced to flee from their homes  in the Philippines from a Huge Tycoon

43: Notice in a Tel Aviv Hotel

If you wish to have breakfast in your room, please lift the telephone and our waitress will come and see you. This is enough to bring your food up.

44: Notice on an Irish Lift

PLEASE DO NOT USE THIS LIFT WHEN IT IS NOT WORKING.

45: Notice in a Tokyo Hotel

It is strictly forbidden to steal our towels. If you are not the person to do this, please not to read this notice.

46: Notice in a Sri Lanka Hotel

PLEASE DO NOT BATHE OUTSIDE THE BATHTUB.

47: At a Hotel Pool also in Sri Lanka

It is not recommended to use the Diving board when the Swimming Pool is empty

48: On the London Underground

LIFT AND TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE THE STAIRS.

49: In a Gents’ Toilet on a Merseyside Ferry Boat:

WE AIM TO PLEASE,  YOU AIM TOO, PLEASE!

!

50: Notice in a Laundromat in Tokyo

DO NOT DRINK THE WATER WHILE INSIDE THIS MACHINE.

51: Label on a box of Christmas Fairy Lights

FOR INDOOR AND OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

52: In a newspaper report Major Jenkins was called a “Battlescared veteran” and a printed apology was demanded. This apology appeared shortly afterwards and read as follows:-

“We sincerely apologise to Major Jenkins for calling him a ‘Battlescared veteran’ this, of course, should have read “A bottle scarred veteran”.

53: In a newspaper report Sergeant John Smith was called a ‘Defective in the Police Force

” We sincerely apologise to Sergeant Smith, this ,of course, should have read     “ Sergeant John Smith is a Detective in the Police Farce”. \

54: In a Newspaper Report

”At Oxford,  C.B. Fry’s favorite party trick was to leap from carpet onto mantelpiece from a standing tart”

55:  Sign outside a Panel Beaters Workshop that is opposite to a Funeral Parlour: “NEW WINGS FITTED”

56: Notice in an Estate Agents Office

LAND-LORDS  LOOKING FOR TEN ANTS  FOR GOOD QUALITY  HOMES.

57: Seen in an Airline Ticket Office, Copenhagen:
WE  TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

58: Notice in a Shopping Centre:

“WET FLOOR, , ,PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION.

59:  Notice in a Pub’

IF YOU HAVE COME HERE TO DRINK TO FORGET, , ,  PLEASE PAY IN ADVANCE.

60:  Anti-Terrorist Notice at an Airport

IF SOMEONE PUTS ANYTHING INTO YOUR LUGGAGE WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE PLEASE REPORT THIS TO US IMMEDIATELY.

61:: Newspaper Headings

a: :”Prostitutes appeal to the Pope”

b: “ Dr. Tackett gives a Talk on the Moon”

c: “Reynolds  to press his suit in Rome”.

 

d: “Headless Blonde Found in Thames”

 

e: “Bar trying to help Alcoholic Lawyers”

 

f: “Red Tape holds up New Bridge”

 

g: “Joint Chiefs Head will be Replaced”

h: “Man survived 17 Days on Flying Fish

i: “Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in a Queue in a Super-Market”

 

62: All the following are taken from the book “FUNNY SIGNS” compiled by the GETAWAY magazine (Ramsay Son and Parker 1999).  The signs and notices etc: are supported by actual photographs. 

 

a:  In an Estate Agents Window “BUY YOUR OWN CONDOM,,,, R570 INITIAL l DEPOSIT “.

b:  Notice outside a Nursery: “SUPPORT OUR AGED ROSES R35 PER BUSH”.

c:  Outside a Funeral Parlor: “WE SELL COFFINS. BUY ONE AND GET ONE FREE”.

d:  In Eshowe, Kwa Zulu, Natal: “FALSE  TEETH  FOR SALE.  ONE OWNER”

e:: Road Sign inSwaziland: “SLOW  BORDER  CONTROL  POST   AHEAD”.

f:  An actual notice in a forbidden section in a Nature Reserve, Knysna:

IS THERE LIFE AFTER DEATH ?  , , ,  TRESPASS HERE AND FIND OUT

g:  Seen in a Namibian Coastal Town:  “TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT.  ANY SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN”.

h: Seen on the Natal South Coast, South Africa :  “NEVER MIND THE DOG….. BEWARE OF MY WIFE!!”

i:  On a Toilet door, Ngoronggoro Crater (wherever that is!!) :

“CLOSE DOOR,,,VERY STRONG WIND”

j:  Road Sign near East London: “ROUND ABOUT  500M AHEAD REDUCE SPEED” . (Not until then Hey What?!).

 k:  Near the Victoria Falls: “CAUTION: WILDANIMALS  DRIVE  WITH  CAR”.

 l:  In the Royal National Park: “CAUTION:  CHILDREN PLEASE DRIVE SLOWLY” (Do they think that there might be a Sterling Moss amongst them ?!!).

 m:  In Botswana: “HORSES  PLEASE  CLOSE  THIS  GATE”.(But WE are allowed to keep them open, presumably!!)

n: Warning Notice in Smitswinkel Bay:  “PLEASE  DO  NOT  FEED  OR  STAMP ON  THE  POPFFADDERS”.

o: In the Sweet Waters Game Reserve, Mount Kenya: “ THIS  BRIDGE  IS  RATED  FOR  A  MAXIMUM  OF ELEVEN TONS.    ELEPHANTS  ARE  THEREFORE  REQUESTED  TO  CROSS  TWO  AT  A  TIME  ONLY”.

 p:  In a Game Park in Madagascar: “VISITORS  WHO  THROW  LITTER  INTO THIS  CROCODILE  ENCLOSURE  WILL BE  ASKED  TO  RETRIEVE  IT”

q: Notice on a Golf Course in Northern  Natal:  “DANGER: UNTREATED  WATER. DON’T  DRINK IT  OR  LICK  YOUR  BALLS”.

r: In a Golf Club Toilet:  “Golfers are requested not to wash their balls in the sinks”

s:  Sign at a Spa at the ‘Royal Swazi Sun’:  “THIS  IS A HEALTH  SPA.  YOU  ARE THEREFORE ENTERING  THIS  POOL  AREA  AT  YOUR  OWN  RISK”.

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About POPPA HOWARD DAVIES

I am a retired Electrical Engineer (Pr. Eng.) and worked for the Johanesburg Electricity Department for 30 years (being Head of a large Department), I am a Pianist and a Church Organist (I have given Recitals on the Johannesburg City Hall Organ at lunchtime Concerts). At presentI I play for Chapel Services at Elphin Lodge and at the Aldersgate Methodist Church., , , I came out to South Africa in 1953 to represent Ferguson Paiilin Switchgear Ltd. Manchester U.K.., , ,I was born on Merseyside (home of "The Beetles" !!) and served my Electrical Engineering Apprenticeship on Liverpool Docks., , , During the War I was evacuated to a Welsh Farm in North Wales ("Caerwys") and attended the Holywell Grammar School eight miles distant. There is lots more of course but this will give you just a tiny glimse of Yours Truly.

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