POPPA HOWARD QUESTIONS PUBLIC NOTICES AND ADVERTISEMENTS
Saved as “Website-PUBLIC NOTICES.doc”
The following Notices and Advertisements are certainly “Questionable” in more ways than one, , , and I am sure that many of the readers of these will not grasp their original intent.
Off we go then , , , , , , ,
2: Notice in a Laundry in England
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED.
3: A Junk Mail Advertisement:
BRAILLE DICTIONARY FOR SALE. MUST BE SEEN TO BE APPRECIATED.
4: Another Junk Mail Advert’:
MOTIVATION TAPES FOR SALE. NEVER BEEN USED.
5: Notice in a Dry Cleaners , Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR SOME FANTASTIC RESULTS.
6: Notice in a Tokyo Hotel
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING THINGS IN BED
7: Advertisement in a French Newspaper
ALL OUR BEDROOMS ARE PROVIDED WITH FRENCH WIDOWS
8: Notice in a French Hotel.
OUR ROOMS ARE SPOTTYLESS. A CHAMBER MAID WILL DO YOU ONCE A DAY.
9: Advertisement seen on a Welsh Farm Gate
TWENTYONE YEAR OLD LAYING HENS FOR SALE.
10 Advertisement for Donkey Rides in Thailand:
COME AND ENJOY A RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS
11: Seen on a Hospital Notice Board
IT IS OUR POLICY TO DO OUR UTMOST TO SEE PATIENTS IN AGONISING PAIN AS SOON AS WE POSSIBLY CAN.
12: Seen on a Poster in France:
ARE YOU SOMEONE WHO IS BLIND OR CANNOT READ? IF SO, SEE ALL THE DETAILS BELOW, BECAUSE WE CAN HELP.YOU
13: Notice in a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
14: Notice In a Cocktail Lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
15: Notice in a Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
16: Notice in a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
17: Warning Notice on the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
18: Notice in a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND ALSO AT WEEK-ENDS.
19: Notice in a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
20: Seen on the menu in a Swiss Restaurant
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
21: Notice seen in a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR LADIES WITH NUTS.
22: Notice in a Hotel in Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
23:: Notice in a Hotel in Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
24: Notice in a Moscow Hotel:- “YOU REALLY MUST VISIT OUR FAMOUS RUSSIAN CEMETERY, RIGHT OPPOSITE OUR HOTEL WHERE FAMOUS SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT ON THURSDAYS.
25: Also ion a Moscow Hotel:- “YOU REALLY MUST ALSO VISIT OUR BIG CATHEDRAL, NEXT TO THE CEMETERY. AS YOU ENTER YOU WILL BE IMMEDIATELY STRUCK BY THE HUGE DOOR”.
26: Notice in Germany ‘s Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX (FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN) TO LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
27: Notice in a Hotel in Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOMS, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
28: IN A CHILDREN’S ZOO IN ENGLAND, NOTICES ARE DISPLAYED ON THE VARIOUS PENS:- For the Zebra:“ You can Kiss my Zebra”, For the Goat: ”You can kiss my Goat”, For the Pony: “You can Kiss my Pony’”, For the Donkey: “You can Kiss my Donkey:”, , , , , , , ,GOTCHA !!!
29: Notice in a Zoo in England
THE CROCODILES WILL BE FED AT 2:15 P.M. DO BRING YOUR CHILDREN.
30: Notice in an African Game Park:
OUR WILDLIFE PARK IS FAMOUS FOR ATTACKING TOURISTS.
31: Seen on a Game Park Notice near Uppington,South Africa
NO DOGS ALLOWED EXCEPT ON LEASHES OR BICYCLES.
32: Notice in a Local Newspaper
Next Saturday, a Baby Show will be held in the Town Hall. We expect there to be about sixtyone year old babies coming
33: Seen on a notice in a Lawyer’s Consulting Waiting Room
Have you a marriage problem? ,,,,,,,, If so, I can offer you a lethal solution.
34: Seen in a Medical Insurance Rules Book
Where an operation proves fatal, at least one month’s prior notice must be given
35: Seen on a Hospital Entry Application Form
If you are Female, please provide:- (a):Your Married Name, and (b) Your Mating Name.
36: Job Advert’
ENERGETIC PEOPLE REQUIRED WITHOUT GOING PERSONALITIES.
37: Seen on a Medicine Label
TAKE ONE SPOONFUL AFTER BREAKFAST AND SUFFER..
38: Notice in a Vet’s Waiting Room
WE SPECIALISE IN CASTRATING DOGS AND CADS
39: Announcement in the Quarterly Journal of an Institute
We are very proud of the fact that our Institute has spread its testicles far and wide throughout the Country..
40: Seen in a Government Report
WE MUST HAVE MORE CUNTS IN THE MINISTRY OF DEFENCE.
41: In a Report to a Board Meeting
Before going into full production a mock-up must be organized. In the past, these cock-ups have proved most beneficial.
42: A Newspaper Heading
Nearly 100,000 people have been forced to flee from their homes in the Philippines from a Huge Tycoon
43: Notice in a Tel Aviv Hotel
If you wish to have breakfast in your room, please lift the telephone and our waitress will come and see you. This is enough to bring your food up.
44: Notice on an Irish Lift
PLEASE DO NOT USE THIS LIFT WHEN IT IS NOT WORKING.
45: Notice in a Tokyo Hotel
It is strictly forbidden to steal our towels. If you are not the person to do this, please not to read this notice.
46: Notice in a Sri Lanka Hotel
PLEASE DO NOT BATHE OUTSIDE THE BATHTUB.
47: At a Hotel Pool also in Sri Lanka
It is not recommended to use the Diving board when the Swimming Pool is empty
48: On the London Underground
LIFT AND TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE THE STAIRS.
49: In a Gents’ Toilet on a Merseyside Ferry Boat:
WE AIM TO PLEASE, YOU AIM TOO, PLEASE!
50: Notice in a Laundromat in Tokyo
DO NOT DRINK THE WATER WHILE INSIDE THIS MACHINE.
51: Label on a box of Christmas Fairy Lights
FOR INDOOR AND OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
52: In a newspaper report Major Jenkins was called a “Battlescared veteran” and a printed apology was demanded. This apology appeared shortly afterwards and read as follows:-
“We sincerely apologise to Major Jenkins for calling him a ‘Battlescared veteran’ this, of course, should have read “A bottle scarred veteran”.
53: In a newspaper report Sergeant John Smith was called a ‘Defective in the Police Force
” We sincerely apologise to Sergeant Smith, this ,of course, should have read “ Sergeant John Smith is a Detective in the Police Farce”. \
54: In a Newspaper Report
”At Oxford, C.B. Fry’s favorite party trick was to leap from carpet onto mantelpiece from a standing tart”
55: Sign outside a Panel Beaters Workshop that is opposite to a Funeral Parlour: “NEW WINGS FITTED”
56: Notice in an Estate Agents Office
LAND-LORDS LOOKING FOR TEN ANTS FOR GOOD QUALITY HOMES.
57: Seen in an Airline Ticket Office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
58: Notice in a Shopping Centre:
“WET FLOOR, , ,PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION.
59: Notice in a Pub’
IF YOU HAVE COME HERE TO DRINK TO FORGET, , , PLEASE PAY IN ADVANCE.
60: Anti-Terrorist Notice at an Airport
IF SOMEONE PUTS ANYTHING INTO YOUR LUGGAGE WITHOUT YOUR KNOWLEDGE PLEASE REPORT THIS TO US IMMEDIATELY.
61:: Newspaper Headings
a: :”Prostitutes appeal to the Pope”
b: “ Dr. Tackett gives a Talk on the Moon”
c: “Reynolds to press his suit in Rome”.
d: “Headless Blonde Found in Thames”
e: “Bar trying to help Alcoholic Lawyers”
f: “Red Tape holds up New Bridge”
g: “Joint Chiefs Head will be Replaced”
h: “Man survived 17 Days on Flying Fish”
i: “Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in a Queue in a Super-Market”
62: All the following are taken from the book “FUNNY SIGNS” compiled by the GETAWAY magazine (Ramsay Son and Parker 1999). The signs and notices etc: are supported by actual photographs.
a: In an Estate Agents Window “BUY YOUR OWN CONDOM,,,, R570 INITIAL l DEPOSIT “.
b: Notice outside a Nursery: “SUPPORT OUR AGED ROSES R35 PER BUSH”.
c: Outside a Funeral Parlor: “WE SELL COFFINS. BUY ONE AND GET ONE FREE”.
d: In Eshowe, Kwa Zulu, Natal: “FALSE TEETH FOR SALE. ONE OWNER”
e:: Road Sign inSwaziland: “SLOW BORDER CONTROL POST AHEAD”.
f: An actual notice in a forbidden section in a Nature Reserve, Knysna:
IS THERE LIFE AFTER DEATH ? , , , TRESPASS HERE AND FIND OUT
g: Seen in a Namibian Coastal Town: “TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT. ANY SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN”.
h: Seen on the Natal South Coast, South Africa : “NEVER MIND THE DOG….. BEWARE OF MY WIFE!!”
i: On a Toilet door, Ngoronggoro Crater (wherever that is!!) :
“CLOSE DOOR,,,VERY STRONG WIND”
j: Road Sign near East London: “ROUND ABOUT 500M AHEAD REDUCE SPEED” . (Not until then Hey What?!).
k: Near the Victoria Falls: “CAUTION: WILDANIMALS DRIVE WITH CAR”.
l: In the Royal National Park: “CAUTION: CHILDREN PLEASE DRIVE SLOWLY” (Do they think that there might be a Sterling Moss amongst them ?!!).
m: In Botswana: “HORSES PLEASE CLOSE THIS GATE”.(But WE are allowed to keep them open, presumably!!)
n: Warning Notice in Smitswinkel Bay: “PLEASE DO NOT FEED OR STAMP ON THE POPFFADDERS”.
o: In the Sweet Waters Game Reserve, Mount Kenya: “ THIS BRIDGE IS RATED FOR A MAXIMUM OF ELEVEN TONS. ELEPHANTS ARE THEREFORE REQUESTED TO CROSS TWO AT A TIME ONLY”.
p: In a Game Park in Madagascar: “VISITORS WHO THROW LITTER INTO THIS CROCODILE ENCLOSURE WILL BE ASKED TO RETRIEVE IT”
q: Notice on a Golf Course in Northern Natal: “DANGER: UNTREATED WATER. DON’T DRINK IT OR LICK YOUR BALLS”.
r: In a Golf Club Toilet: “Golfers are requested not to wash their balls in the sinks”
s: Sign at a Spa at the ‘Royal Swazi Sun’: “THIS IS A HEALTH SPA. YOU ARE THEREFORE ENTERING THIS POOL AREA AT YOUR OWN RISK”.