All with tongue in cheek, , ,  although some might very well be true !!!

1: “It’s quite safe,  it’s not loaded”

2: “Oh shut up. I have done this hundreds of times before without any problems”

3: “Of course I’ve remembered my parachute”

4:  “They say that extremely slippery ‘Black Frost’ on Road Surfaces is completely invisible”

5: “Yes, I had the brakes checked yesterday”

6: “Don’t worry, it’s quite alright; I am only going to sip it”

7: “Be careful, , , That knife is very sharp”

8: “So I’ll go ahead and simply tell him just exactly what I really think of him”

 9: Actor in Stage Wings: “Yes, I have got the imitation rubber knife for the suicide scene”

10: Pilot of a Sea-Plane to Control Tower “I am coming in to land on Runway 5”:

 11: “Yes, of course we have enough Life-Belts”

12: Don’t worry, I have driven in fog far thicker than this many times before”

13: “Yes, I of course I have taken my Heart Pills”

14: Visitor during a visit to the Bastille “I’m going to put my head in this old Guillotine just to see what it feels like”

15: “Yes, yes, ,  , of course we’ve got enough petrol to get there”.

16: “Don’t worry, I’ve climbed trees far higher than this one”

17:  Tight-Rope Walker: “And now Ladies and Gentlemen,  I will do the next daring stunt without a Safety Net”

18:  ” I’ will eat a big spoonful out of this old tin of fish just to prove that it is perfectly  O.K.”

19: Captain of the Titanic to First Officer: ”Don’t be so stupid,  it’s not an Ice-Berg, it’s only a big White Whale”

20: “Don’t worry, , You are quite safe under a tree in a Thunder Storm”

21: “Don’t worry, , Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice”

22: During a Conjuring Show: “ I will now be thrown into this tank of water, tied in a sack, and  handcuffed in chains”

23: Visitor to a Cockpit of a 747 “What happens if I press this Red Button on your seat marked EJECT ?”

24: “Husband to Wife whilst visiting theGrand Canyon: “O.K. Darling,  I promise I won’t go too near the edge”

25: “You can walk if you like, but I am going up in this old lift”

26:  Pilot: “I’ll make this ruddy old Tiger Moth loop the loop, if it’s the last thing I do !!”

27: “I’ve been bitten so many times now, snakes can no longer harm me”

28: “No, the killer bull is in the next field”

29: “These Mine Fields were all cleared up years ago”

30: Cave Explorer shouting to his companion if he could still breathe down there: “YES”

31:  These old wooden staircases were certainly built to last”

32: African Explorer to his companion when they suddenly come across a remoteAfricanVillage: “Thank goodness cannibalism died out years ago”

33: Very Elderly Driver whilst her car is rapidly gathering speed going down a very steep hill: ”Oh dear,  now which one is the Brake Pedal”.

34: “I’m just looking up the barrel to make sure that it is quite clean”

35: “It’s perfectly safe, it’s only loaded it with blanks”

36: “Be careful!!,,,  That dam thing has a hair-trigger!”

37: “It’s quite safe, , , , the Safety Catch is on”

38: “ I choose Pistols”

39 “I believe they caught that Man-Eating Tiger which escaped this morning”

40: “These Mushrooms taste funny!!”

41: “I’ve lived in the Country on a Farm all my life. So don’t you think, by now,  I surely know the difference between a Mushroom and a Toadstool?!”

42: ” The Doctor warned me about this”

43: ”I think wearing a Safety Belt is a lot of Hog Wash!!”

44: “There are definitely Shark Nets in this Bay”

45:  Newspaper Reporter: “:How did that Helicopter crash?”    Control Tower Radio Operator: “The last we heard from it was a radio message saying ‘’It’s so blooming chilly up here I’m just going to switch off that darn big overhead fan”

46: Black Rhinos are O. K. , , , it’s the White ones that you must always watch out for”

47: “OOPS !!!”

 48: ”So sorry,  did I hurt you?”

49: Army Instructor: “These are only dummy practice grenades that I am about to demonstrate”

50: Army Instructor: “ This Hand Grenade is primed for 15 seconds, so I will count to 12 before I throw it“

51: Army Instructor: “ This Hand Grenade is quite safe as long as you hold down the Lever with your finger even if you pull out the pin”

52: Army Instructor demonstrating an Anti-Aircraft Gun to new recruits, , ,  , “If you look down the barrel, as I am doing now,  you will clearly see the spiraled grooves. These are to give the shells a twisting movement , , PRIVATE  SMITH, GET AWAY FROM THAT LEVER!!”.

53: Supervisor showing visitors around the Factory: “Don’t stand too near this machine. I once new a chap who did so, and was sucked into the fast moving gears, poor devil”

54: “In for a penny, in for a pound, , ,  I say let’s try it, anyway !!”

55:  Animal Trainer to Circus Tiger: “Hello my Silly Old Soft Cuddly Pussy Cat”

56:  “That ‘DANGER’ Notice is out- of- date a long time ago”

57:  Tommy whispers to his little Sister in the back seat of their car “Mummy drives so terribly slowly, I’ve smeared the Accelerator Pedal with some Super-Glue”

58:  Patient to Doctor:  “I get a terrible pain when I press just here”

59:  “Bugger off,  you  STUPID  IDIOT!!”

60:  “No, stupid!  It is the other electric cable that is carrying  20,000 volts”

61:  “Yes, I know, stupid ,  , , ,  ,but the Circuit Diagram definitely shows that this thick Red Wire is connected to that thick Black Wire”

62: “HELP!, , ,  HELP!, , ,, Throw me a Life-Belt somebody, , , I can’t swim”

 63: Voice from the sea: “Can anyone hear me, , , I  AM  DROWNING!!”

Voice from Ship’s Rail: ”That’s quite a coincidence isn’t it?, , ,  I am ‘DOWNING’,    namely, ’DROWNING’  without the letter “R”, , , We must certainly have a drink when you’ve finished your little swim”

64: During the bombing during the War :” Sounds as if that bloomin’ Jerry ‘Plane is right overhead!”


65:  Zoo Keeper: “Don’t worry, I have cut toe-nails on Tigers far bigger than this one”









I am a retired Electrical Engineer (Pr. Eng.) and worked for the Johanesburg Electricity Department for 30 years (being Head of a large Department), I am a Pianist and a Church Organist (I have given Recitals on the Johannesburg City Hall Organ at lunchtime Concerts). At presentI I play for Chapel Services at Elphin Lodge and at the Aldersgate Methodist Church., , , I came out to South Africa in 1953 to represent Ferguson Paiilin Switchgear Ltd. Manchester U.K.., , ,I was born on Merseyside (home of "The Beetles" !!) and served my Electrical Engineering Apprenticeship on Liverpool Docks., , , During the War I was evacuated to a Welsh Farm in North Wales ("Caerwys") and attended the Holywell Grammar School eight miles distant. There is lots more of course but this will give you just a tiny glimse of Yours Truly.

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