MY FAVOURITE SUNDAY SCHOOL HOWLERS. 1:  Johnny tells his parents:  “We all sang about a tame bear with a squint called ‘Gladly’, the words went “Gladly, my cross-eyed Bear”. 2:   Johnny tells his parents: ”We all leant about a man who flew an aeroplane. His name was Pontius the Pilot”. 3:  Johnny tells his parents: “God must be left-handed, because we learnt today that Jesus is sitting on God’s right hand”.. 4:  Johnny tells his parents Samson slew the Finklesteins with the Axe of the Apostles. 5:  Johnny tells his parents: “ Moses crossed theRed Seawith hundreds of Hebrew Slaves by building a huge Pontoon Bridge,,,, but if I told you what they told me in Sunday School  today, you would never believe it! ” 6:  Johnny tells his parents: “We learnt today that when the flood subsided, Noah told the animals to go out into the world and multiply. But Daddy, how could the two snakes called ADDERS  multiply?” Daddy: ” Perhaps they built themselves some furniture and included log tables that can only add, but you will learn all about this in school some day !!”. 7:  Johnny tells his parents: ”We learnt that God’s name is HAROLD,,, because we were taught a prayer “ Our Father who art in heaven, HAROLD be Thy name”. 8:  Johnny tells his parents “We learnt that God’s name is ANDY,,, because we sang in a chorus: “ANDY walks with me, ANDY talks with me, ANDY tells me I am His own”. 9:  Johnny tells his parents: ‘We leant that Jesus did a lot traveling around preaching, but I think that he was very shrewd, ‘cos one of his gang, Matthew, was a TAXI-MAN ” 10:  We learnt all about Moses today. He made all the Hebrews eat un-eleven bread. This bread must have been made without any of the usual eleven ingredients and never eaten after 11 a.m.  He also climbed up Mount Cyanide to get The Ten Commandants, but he died before he ever reachedCanada. 11:   King Solomon had three-hundred wives and four-hundred porcupines. 12:  The Jews have always had problems with troublesome genitals. 13:  The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. 14:  The fifth commandment is to humour thy Father and thy Mother. 15:  The seventh commandment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery”. 16  Jesus taught that thou shalt do one to others before they can do one to you. 17:  Christians should only have one wife. This is called  “Monotony”. 18:  The wives of the Apostles were called the “Apistles”. 19:  JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man namedLot       was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’    Concerned, James asked:  ‘What happened to the flea?’ 20:   ‘”Dear Lord “  the Minister began, with arms extended toward heaven  “Without you, we are but dust”.. Little Jenny turned to her Mother and asked in a very loud stage-whisper  “Mummy,  what is butt dust, is it what I think it is?”. 21:  The local people did not like James’s teaching, so he got stoned. 22:  When Jesus was born, all the little boys were killed by the cruel King Horrid. 23:  Lot’s wife looked round and turned a somersault 24:  Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. 25:  We learned today about a very kind man who was called  “The Good-Smart- American” 26:  Ecclesiastic is the stretchy tape used to keep a Clergyman’s trousers up. 27: As one enters the Cathedral, one is immediately struck by the huge door. 28:  As one enters the Cathedral, one is immediately struck by the smell of incest.. 29:  Noah and his family would not have been able to enjoy Fish and Chips in theArk, because he couldn’t do any fishing, as he only had two worms !!!! 30:  Noah’s wife was Joan of Arc. 31:  The Patron Saint of ships’ passengers is “St. Francis-of-the-Sea-Sick” 32:  The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still AND HE ACTUALLY DID!! 33:  David was skilled at playing the liar. 34:  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption 35:  The shepherds found Jesus lying to the Manager. 36:  John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head. 37:  St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. 38:  The Sunday School Teacher was demonstrating the dangers of Alcohol. She had two glasses, one with water and one with alcohol. She then dropped a worm into each glass. The one in the alcohol screwed itself up tight into a ball and sank dead to the bottom of the glass. The worm in the water swam happily around the glass. “Now,, what does this teach us, children?” asked the teacher. Little Johnny: “People who suffer from worms should drink alcohol” !!!! 39:  Sunday School Teacher: “We all know that a King or a Queen is extremely powerful indeed, but can any one of you tell me of an even higher power?” Little Johnny: “An Ace will always beat a King or a Queen”. 40:  Sunday School Teacher: “Lot’s wife looked around and turned into a pillar of salt” Little Johnny: “Whilst driving, my Mum looked around and turned into a pillar box.” 41 : Little Jenny: “Mummy, is God a wise old man living somewhere around here, and maybe we could actually see him?” Mummy: “Why do you ask that, Jenny?” Little Jenny: “Because at Sunday School we sang a hymn  “Him mortal, Him visible, God only wise”. 42:  Sunday School Teacher: “Now Tommy, tell me what must we do before we can expect forgiveness for our sins?” Tommy: “We gotta sin I suppose” !!” 43:  Little Jenny “Mummy, what did Moses do with the vitamin pills?” Mother “What a funny question, why do you ask that?” Little Jenny: “ Our Sunday School Teacher said that Moses brought the tablets  down from Mount Sinai” 44:  Joseph and Mary could not stay at the local Motel because, as the carol says ‘’Away was the Manager, they slept four in a bed’ 45:  Little Jenny to her Parents “We learnt in Sunday-School today about an Old Testament Prophet who was called ‘Eyes Higher’. He must have been deformed as one ‘eye’s higher’ than the other” 46:  Little Jonnie after Sunday School to his pal: “ I don’t believe all that Satan stuff,  do you?  Just like Father Christmas, he will probably turn out to be my Dad !! 47:  At Sunday School Little Johnnie hears about how Eve was taken from a rib in Adam’s side. Later the next week, after a big meal, he got a sudden pain in his side. He calls out to his Mother “Help! Come quickly, I think I am going to have a wife” !!! 48:   Sunday School Teacher: “Can any one of you tell me which Commandment instructs us how to treat our Brothers and Sisters?” Little Johnnie: “Thou shalt not kill” 49:  Johnnie: “In Sunday School today we learnt that a Priest or a Minister is required to do some kind of ceremony in order to circumcise a ghost.” 50:   Johnnie: “In Sunday School today we learnt that when an Angel told Mary that she was to be the Mother of Jesus, she sang the “Magna Carta” 51:  Little Johnnie: In Sunday School today we learnt that God is an Artist because we prayed:-  “Our Father who does Art in Heaven”. 52:  Little Johnnie to Sunday School Teacher: ”What is that polished Wooden Plaque with Gold Lettering on the wall as you enter the Church?”                                                                                                                                      Sunday School teacher: “It is a Memorial to all those Brave Souls who died in ‘The Service’ during the last War” Little Johnnie: “Was that at the 8-0- Clock or the 10- 0- Clock Service?” 53:  Little Jenny to her Mother:  “In Sunday School today we were told about our Forefathers. Will you take me sometime to meet my other three, Mummy?” vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv                                                                                                                MY FAVOURITE CHURCH NOTICES  1:   “A new Font has been donated and installed at the back of the Church. This will now enable our babies to be Christened at both ends”. 2:  ”Jumble Sale next Saturday. Men’s clothing urgently required. Bring along your old discarded husband’s clothes”. 3:   “Ladies Jumble Sale next Saturday.  Look around your house for any old items that are worn out or no longer of any use to you. Why not bring along your husbands 4:   In the Church Bulletin: “Church Outing next Saturday is to the Zoo. We leave at 2 p.m. in order to try and get there for feeding time at three 3 p.m. Bring your children”. 5:   Notice on a Church Collection Box: “You can’t take it with you, but you can always send it on in advance!” 6:   In the Church Bulletin: “Next Sunday is Harvest Festival. Those wishing to bring eggs, will they please lay them on the vestry table before the service”. 7:   In the Church Bulletin: “ Next Sunday is Harvest Festival. Please, however, do NOT bring any onions. Last year, due to this, our Minister was mistakenly touched by the fact that some members of the congregation were moved to tears by his sermon. 8:  Announcement during a service: “The title of next Sunday’s morning sermon will be “Jesus walks on the water”. The title of the evening service will be “Looking for Jesus”. 9:  Announcement during a service: “The theme of next Sunday’s sermons will be “What is hell?”  To find out, come and listen to our wonderful new preacher. 10:  Announcement during the service: “Next Saturday evening will be the farewell supper of our beloved Minister who has been with us now for over 15 years.,,,,,,   We will now sing our next hymn “Now thank we all our God”. 11:   Choir Master, during choir practice: “ Now choir, when we come to “The Gates of Hell”, please pause, so that we can all come in together”.  12:   In the Church Notices: “Our morning service next Sunday will commence at 9:30 a.m.  This will continue until next Spring” 13:  In a notice of the Church’s next Annual General Meeting:  ” ,,,,,,,,, and please allocate two dull hours for this meeting”  14:  In a Chapel notice in aRetirementVillage: ”Blood Pressures will be taken after the sermon” 15:  In a Church Bulletin: “Financial assistance given to unmarried mothers must be decided by the Bishop responsible” 16:  In the Church notices: “Reverend Jones will give a lecture after next Sunday morning’s service on his study in Theology for an uninterrupted period of 20 years” 17:  In a Church Bulletin: “Please use the Church’s Post Box when sending us your letters.  This will illuminate delays” 18:  In a Church Bulletin: “A purple lady’s bicycle is missing from the Church Car Park” 19:  In the Church Notices: “We invite you to come along next Sunday and give us the names of loved ones who died during the service” 20:  Misprint in a Carol Book due to an occasional faulty ‘g’ on a keyboard: “Sin choirs of Angels, sin in exultation” 21:  Misprint in a Hymn Book due ton a faulty ‘r’ on a keyboard: “What a fiend we have in Jesus” 22:  Misprint in a Church Bulletin: “Thirty sex books have been donated to the Church Library. Please make full use of these” 23:  Misprints in a Church Bulletin due to a faulty computer keyboard that puts in extra ‘b’ ’s and wasn’t run through with the Spelling Checker before printing:- “We say a fond farewell to our beloved  Father bUgger.   He was surely a blight among the Gentiles. His b sermons gave us a blot to think about, often controversial , , , ,“As far as the beast is from the west” as we so often said.  His b sermons were, however always clear and well buttered. We will also remember his constant soothing devotion to his b congregation which was always like boil on the head.  So goodbye to you, Father  bUugger, our memories of you will blast for ever”. In the following Sunday’s Bulletin: “We sincerely apologise for the terrible mistakes in last Sunday’s Bulletin. This was due to our faulty computer keyboard. Please do forgive us Farter Ugger, we really do love you like a brothel”. 24:  Also a misprint in a Church Bulletin due to a faulty  ‘s’  on a computer keyboard: ”In order to  -ave paper, you may write any me- -age to our mini-ter on  -crap paper”. 25:  In a Church Bulletin: Those who missed last Sunday’s sermon can purchase a recrap on Audio Tape. 26:  In a Church Bulletin: “We apologise that last Sunday’s Evensnog had to be hell in the Church Hall. This was due to renovations in the Church/”.  27:  In a Church Bulletin: “We welcome the immoral Bishop Jenkins to our services next Sunday. 28:  In a Church Bulletin: The subject of next Sunday’s sermon will be “Paul, on the road to Domestos”. 29:  In a Church Bulletin: Come next Sunday to hear our new Preacher. He gives a great massage, and the bottom of your very being will be greatly moved. 30:  In a Church Bulletin a meeting of an ‘Ad Hoc Steering Committee’ was printed out as “A meeting of a Haddock Stirring Committee”: 31:  A non-religious Secretary taking down dictation for a Church’s new Prayer Book typed out in place of “Blessed art Thou amongst women’’  the following: “Blessed art Thou a monk swimming’’ 32:  In a Church Bulletin: Newcomers should note that a personal message from our Minister’s own attention grabbing and powerful penis presented  to us each month in our Church Magazine. 33:  In a Church Bulletin: “Last Saturday evening Father Flynn, the Cur ate atSt. Augustine’s attended our Church Supper” 34:  HYMNS DEDEICATED TO PROFESSIONALS AND OTHERS  a:: DENTIST: Crown Him with many crowns b:  BUILDING CONTRACTOR: The Church’s one Foundation c:  GOLFER: There is a Green hill far away d:  EYE  SPECIALIST: Open my  eyes that I may see e:  THE TAX MAN:  I surrender all f:   GOSSIP: Pass it on g:  ELECTRICIAN: Let there be light h:  SHOPPER: Sweet bye and bye i:   ESTATE  AGENT: I’ve got a Mansion j:   BUILDING ARCHITECT: When I survey k:  DRIVING A CAR AT 70 kph: God will take care of me l:   DRIVING A CAR AT  130 kph: Nearer my God to Thee: m:: DRIVING A CAR AT 200 kph: Lord I’m coming home n:  WEATHERMAN:  There shall be showers o:  SOLDIER: Fight the good fight withal thy might.. p:  CRANE DRIVER: Lift high the cross. q:  STORY TELLER: Tell me the old old story r:   MARRIED MAN:  Take my life s: THIEF:  Steal away, steal away, steal away   vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv                       CHURCH  AND  RELIGIOUS JOKES 1:  A Boy Scout was selling tickets for a Church Concert. He called at the house of a tight fisted old spinster.        ”I ’m  sorry I can’t come” she said “but I will certainly be with you in spirit” “Oh good!” said the Boy Scout pulling out a book of tickets “and where would your spirit like to sit?” “ 2:  A  54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. Whilst on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”  God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,  breast-implants and a tummy-tuck. She also changed her hair colour to blond and had  her teeth brightened!   Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her final operation, she was released from the hospital. Whilst crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,  “I thought you  said I had another 43 years to live.  Why didn’t you pull me away from the path of an ambulance? God replied:  “OOOPS  so sorry!  To tell you the truth, I didn’t recognize you!!” 3:  A Negro Preacher, noted for his eloquence, and rather long sermons was asked the secret of such preaching. He replied == ”First of all, I tell’s ‘em what Ize go’in to tell ‘em ,,,,,, Then I tells ‘em ,,,,, ,, then I tells ‘em what Ize told ‘em”. 4:  A true story: In the car park of  St. Paul’s United Church, Mulbarton ,Johannesburg, was a waste paper enclosure. There was a large notice on the wall of this enclosure. One Sunday, this notice was removed and placed in front of the pulpit.. It read as follows:-  “NO  RUBBISH  PLEASE”!!.  (Historical Note: Rev: Donald Crag, the Methodist Minister at the time had a good sense of humour and thought that it was terrific!!). 5:  The day before the Pope was due to appear on his Balcony, Paddy and Murphy decided to pitch a tent in the middle of St. Peter’s Square in order to get a good view. Whilst Murphy went to get a bucket of water he saw the Pope in the distance giving his blessing to Paddy. When he got back he said to Paddy “I saw the Pope giving you a personal blessing, you lucky fish!!” , , , , ”No” said Paddy, “What the Pope actually said was ‘ Take that thing down’, and he gave a downwards movement of his hand, ‘and get the hell out of here’, with a horizontal movement of his hand”. 6:  In a Sunday sermon:  “To quote Clough:  ‘Say not the struggle nought availeth’ “ However in the transcript this was printed as:  ’Say not the struggle naughty Bailiff’’ 7:  STATISTICS :  If all the people that went to Church were to be laid end to end, , , , , , they would be a lot more comfortable!! 8:  I am in prison because of my beliefs, , , I believed that the Night Watchman was asleep!! 9:  I saw a modern day MIRACLE occur yesterday , , , , I was walking along a country lane and I saw a cow turn into a field !!  10:  The Husband was an Atheist and his Wife was an Agnostic. They could not decide which religion NOT to bring their children up in. 11:  And on the eighth day God said  “Okay, Murphy, you can take over now” 12:  A notice in a Funeral Parlour window: “CLOSED BECAUSE OF A BIRTH IN THE FAMILY”  13:  A recent survey revealed that many people are disappointed in their funeral service. 14:  One Cannibal to another “What do you think of the visiting Missionary ?” Second Cannibal “Very nice indeed” First Cannibal “I heartily agree, , , do have another piece” 15:  Wife: ”When I die, after the Memorial Service I want a proper party, not just  sausage rolls and coffee” Husband: “In that case couldn’t you perhaps leave a decent meal the day before in the freezer?”   16:   “Don’t say anything about the dead unless you can say something good” “ Okay, , , He’s dead, ,  ,Good riddance! 17:  Alcoholic:  “And then I found myself outside a Pub’ so I said to myself: ‘Get behind me Satan’. I was very proud of myself. Then he did get behind me, and pushed me inside!!” 18:   Joe:  “Is he dead then?” Bill: “Indubitably” Joe: “In a blind alley, you say?”  19:   TRUE STORY : A work colleague of mine was on an Anglo American chartered aeroplane flying back to South Africa   from Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). The plane was also transporting corpses in coffins. The latter were bolted to the passageway floor, and one was next to his seat. What set his teeth on edge, however, was the fact that each time the plane tilted at a sharp angle on take off and descent, the following noise came from inside the coffin, , , SLIDE – CLONK, , SLIDE – CLONK, , SLIDE- CLONK!!  20:  A man bought a horse from a Parson. However, the horse would ONLY respond to religious phrases such as  “Hallelujah” for stop, and “Praise The Lord” for go. The man jumped on the horse and remembered to shout “Praise The Lord” and off they went at a mighty gallop. But they were fast approaching a cliff with a sheer drop into the sea .hundreds of feet below.  ”Panicking,, the man yelled “WHOA,  WHOA,  STOP, STOP!!!!” but then, remembered, only just in the nick of time  to shout out “HALLELUJAH”, , , and the horse stopped only inches away from the sheer drop.  , , , ,  , “Whew !!” he sang out loudly with relief: Praise The Lord!!” 21:  When the Angel told Mary that she was to be the Mother of Jesus, she sang the “Magna Carta” 22:  Having had it up to the back teeth with Adam and Eve, God’s punishment was that they should have children of their own.  23:  If God had trouble with Adam and Eve, what makes YOU think that it would be a piece of cake with YOUR children? 24:  A seven year old daughter to her Father who is a Minister: “Daddy, before a sermon you always pray: ”May the words of my mouth  inspire us and strengthen us all , , , ,Well, what I want to know is, , ,Why don’t they?!”  25:  A seven year old boy tells his friend at school: My parents are very religious, because when I have gone to bed I hear them downstairs, and they always say every night: ‘Thank God he’s gone to bed” 26:  “ I am called ‘Pindonna’  because at my Christening the Minister asked “What is her name?” and someone replied  “IT IS  PINNED ON HER” 27:  A quotation from the Bird Bible, (The older ‘Kingfisher Version’, rather than from the later ‘N.O.V’. [‘New Ornithological Version’] , , ,   “If thou lackest sleep little bird, go to the end of thy branch, and thou shalt soon drop off” 28:  The early Christian Church was run by a group that cats seemed to like very much. That is why they came to be known as ‘Cat-Licks’. 29:  Thomas, a Disciple of Jesus was, of course, noted for his doubting. The Bible records his full name as being ‘Thomas Didymus’.  However, this has been corrupted in translations, as current research shows that his true surname was  ‘Thomas Doubt-he-must’,  or, being a Lawyer, it was more probably ‘Thomas Diddle-most’.. 30:  Little Johnnie at a Wedding “ Why is the Bride dressed all in white Mummy?” Mummy “Because it is a sign of purity, and also this is the happiest day of her life” Little Johnnie “Wow !! Then I pity the poor old Groom dressed all in black!” 31:   Three little boys discussing what their Fathers earned == Billy:  “My  Dad writes Poetry and they pay him R50 for every one he writes”. Joey: “ My Dad compose songs and they pay him R100 for every song” Johnnie: “That’s nothing. My Dad is a Minister and writes Sermons. After reading them out in Church, it takes eight people to collect all the money !!” 32:  A farmer was famed for being able to quote Bible verses to fit ANY occasion. One day he sold a horse that was dying but to all outward appearances looked healthy enough..“ How on earth could you DO such a thing, Bert?” reprimanded his wife “and you supposedly being SUCH a high and mighty religious man!!”. The farmer paused, but only for a moment, and then intoned in a sonorous voice , , ,  ”He was a stranger, and I took him in”  33:   Little Johnnie: “In Sunday School today we were taught how to fenugreek by bending our knees and crossing ourselves” Dumb Blond Mother  “No Darling, the word is circumflex” 34:  A country Parson was fond of Elderberry Wine and this was often given to him by an elderly widow. On the last occasion, however, she said to him “I will only give this to you this time if you promise to publish a public thank you notice in the next Church Magazine”  The Parson agreed to do so and this is how the notice read:- “I wish to express my very sincere thank you  to Mrs. Brown for her very generous gift of the Elderberries, and especially for the spirit in which they were given” 35:  Jock left his Presbyterian Church because they started this ”Happy- Clappy – Waving- of-Arms” singing business and he joined theBaptistChurchinstead. The Baptist Church also did this “Happy-Clappy” thing and Jock joined in with great gusto. Angus, his friend asked him how he could possibly justify doing such a thing in theBaptistChurchbut not in the Presbyterian Church. Jock replied: “ It mar be alreeet in tha  Baptist Kerrrk, , , ,  but naarrr in th’ hooos of the Lorrrrrd!!” 36: : Mother to 7 year old daughter: “Jenny, when you go and spend a weekend with   Grandma, do you always say grace before a meal?” Jenny: “ No Mummy, it isn’t necessary, Grandma knows how to cook” 37:  An Arch Bishop was noted for being a red-hot campaigner for anti- alcohol drinking     At a large important social gathering his wife was persuaded to have just a little sip of whisky  “Just so that I can ascertain for myself what all the fuss is about” she said. After taking a few good-sized sips, she said “ Oh stop pulling my leg. Give me a sip of real whisky. This is my husband’s medicine he’s been taking for years”!!! 38:  A Missionary was visiting an African Nation and was giving a vigorous speech to a large crowd  During his speech there were constant loud shouts of  AKAPOOKEEE !!  AKAPOOKEE!  Which he assumed meant ‘Hear Hear!!’ Before departing he was taken around a large very successful farm. Finally, as he was being show the farm’s prize bull, his guide suddenly said ” Oh! do be careful you don’t step into that big dollop of akapookee” !!!!! 39:  At a Church Ladies Guild weekly meeting a visiting speaker failed to turn up. He was to have given a talk on yachting and sailing, so the Parson offered to give a talk instead on Sex and Religion. This was handled with great delicacy and tact, and was a tremendous success. A few days later, one of the ladies met the Parson’s wife and said what a splendid talk her husband gave in place of the Yachtsman. ‘’Oh, I am surprised’’ said the Parson’s wife, ‘’He has only ever tried it a couple of times, and on each occasion he was sea sick’’!!!! MORAL: Be quite sure you are both talking about the same thing!!!!! 40: Grandma is 78 year’s old and still drives her own car. She writes to her Grand-daughter as follows == Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went into our local Christian book store and saw a ”Honk if you love Jesus’” bumper sticker. So, on an impulse, I bought it and stuck  it on my bumper.  Oh Boy!!,  what an uplifting Christian experience followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection and was just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed to green. It is a good thing that the man behind me also loved Jesus, because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed the changed light. He also put his head out of his window and shouted  “’For the love of God, woman!!”   What an exuberant cheerleader he would have made for Jesus! Just then everyone else started honking, so I leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those Jesus loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in their love! I saw one guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air so I asked my young teenage Grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii  but I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what Church I attended, but this was when I suddenly noticed that the light had changed to green. So, smiling, I waved at all my brothers and sisters in the Lord, and drove on through the intersection. However, I noticed that I was the only car that got through before the light changed again back to red again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave all those lovely people behind, so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all two Hawaiian good luck signs one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love Grandma. 41:  Postal Clerk to a lady posting the family Bible to her son: “ Is there  anything breakable in this parcel Madam?” Lady posting parcel: “ Only the Ten Commandments” 42:  When getting up in the morning, say: “Good Morning Lord”, , , ,  rather than: “Good Lord it’s Morning” !!! 43:  Minister in his sermon: “I have both good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to mend the leaking Church Roof. , , , , The bad news is that the money is still in your pockets” 44:  Garage Attendant at Petrol Pump to Minister: “I’m sorry for the delay due to the large queue, but it seems that everyone waits until the very last minute to get ready for the long trip” Minister: “ I know what you mean, it is exactly the same in my business!!” 45:  Organist to Minister on ‘phone: Can you please give me the hymns for Sunday? Minister to Organist (reading from his notes): “Jesus Loves Me”, , , , , , , , , Organist: “Oh that’s very nice, I’m so glad but now can you please give me the hymns for Sunday?”  46:  A Country Vicar had just finished writing a Religious book and was in the act of trying to get it published. His Publisher was just going out through the gate as the Bishop was entering and little Johnny was standing nearby. When the Publisher was out of ear-shot the Bishop asked Little Johnny who that was. ”Oh” came the proud reply, “That was my Daddy’s Book Maker”. 47:  The Bible exhorts us “To pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5: v17), , ,  So I do just this, , , for instance, I might say to my wife “Pray tell me, is your Mother coming to stay with us this weekend?”, , ,  or to my son ”Pray tell me Tommy, how did it go at school today, or to my friend  ”Pray tell me Joe, , how did the Stock Market do today?” Like the chap who always said Grace before he kissed his girl friend  , , , , , ,  (because that was her name !!!), , , ,  ,  , , , , ,  , ,  , , , , , , ,  , , , , , ,  , ,  ,  (GOTCH YER!!!!!), 48:  A Boy Scout was selling tickets for a charity concert and called at the door of a very stingy old spinster. “I am sorry I can’t come” said the old skinflint “but I shall be with you in spirit” “Oh splendid” said the Boy Scout, producing a book of tickets from his pocket. “Where would your spirit like to sit?” 49:  At a School, in the Teachers Staff Room, the Divinity Teacher had everyone laughing when he said  “I asked young Billy Smith who knocked down the Walls of Jericho ?, , , and you just won’t believe his reply!! , , , He said ‘Please Sir, it weren’t me!!”. The Head Master interrupted and said, ”I’ve known the Smith Family for many year and they are always very honest and truthful. If young Billy says he didn’t do it, then  I for one, certainly believe him whole-heartedly”. 50:  Q: How many members of a MethodistChurchdoes it take to change a Light Bulb? A: Five, , ,One to change the Bulb and four to serve Refreshments Q:  How many members of a PentecostalChurchdoes it take to change a Light Bulb? A: Ten, , , One to change the Bulb and nine to pray against the Spirit of darkness Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a Light Bulb? A: One, ,  But for the ‘Message of Salvation’  that  the same thing won’t  happen again, we are passing a plate round for you to empty your purses for a very  generous donation.. 51:A lady was on an aeroplane reading The Bible. The man sitting next to her said “Do you believe all that guff?” She replied “I most certainly do”. The man said “What about the guy who  was swallowed by a whale. How do you think he survived in the whales stomach?”  The lady replied “I don’t really know, , , , , , But I’ll ask him when I get to Heaven” The man said ”But what if he isn’t in Heaven?”  “Then you can ask him yourself when you see him, can’t you ?” !!! 52:  A man checked into a Hotel Room. There  was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without  realizing his error, he sent  the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Cape Town a widow had just arrived home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her incoming  e-mails.  After reading the first message, she fainted. The message read as follows , , , ,                                                                                                                                          To: My Loving Wife                                  Subject: I've arrived                              Date: June 3, 2005                                                                                     I know you're surprised to hear from me so soon, but they but they have computers here now. and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.     I've just arrived and  have been checked in. I am glad to see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.                                                  Hope your journey will be as uneventful as mine was.                                                       Love  Tom.    P.S.. It is damn hot down here!!                                                                       53:  Little Johnnie: “Daddy, ”What is that polished Wooden Plaque with Gold Lettering on the wall as you enter the Church?” Daddy: “It is a Memorial to all those Brave Souls who died in ‘The Service’ during the last War” Little Johnnie: “Was that at the 8-0- Clock or the 10- 0- Clock Service?” 54: A verse missing from Genesis Chapter 2 between V17 and  18 runs as follows:-  “ And behold, it came to pass that as God gazed upon Man whom  He had just created, He said “OOOPS!!! Let’s try again. So He did, and this time He was successful. 55:  A woman whispers to her companion in Church: “These seats are so hard my bottom has gone to sleep!” Companion: “Yes, I know, , , I heard it snoring just now !!” 56:  A Vicar looked pityingly on one of his Parishioners who was lying on the ground after having slipped and fallen on an icy pavement. ”Sinners stand in slippery places” he said. The Parishioner looked up at the Vicar as he stood on the slippery icy pavement and said “So I see”. 57:  FINALLY, ON  A  MORE SERIOUS NOTE WITH WHICH TO END:   “O think not, bold man, because your punishment is delayed, that the arm of God is weakened, neither flatter yourself with hopes that He winks at your doings. The high, the low, the rich, the poor, the wise and the ignorant, when the soul has shaken off the cumbrous shackles of this mortal life, shall quickly receive from the Great Law of God, a just and everlasting compensation, according to their works. Then shall the  wicked learn and make compensation in course of time; but the heart of the righteous shall rejoice in His rewards”  (From “Unto Thee I Grant” by the good religious Egyptian King Amenhotep IV, , , , ,  Also Known  As: “Akhnaton”, Died 1336 B.C.). cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc                                                                                             











I am a retired Electrical Engineer (Pr. Eng.) and worked for the Johanesburg Electricity Department for 30 years (being Head of a large Department), I am a Pianist and a Church Organist (I have given Recitals on the Johannesburg City Hall Organ at lunchtime Concerts). At presentI I play for Chapel Services at Elphin Lodge and at the Aldersgate Methodist Church., , , I came out to South Africa in 1953 to represent Ferguson Paiilin Switchgear Ltd. Manchester U.K.., , ,I was born on Merseyside (home of "The Beetles" !!) and served my Electrical Engineering Apprenticeship on Liverpool Docks., , , During the War I was evacuated to a Welsh Farm in North Wales ("Caerwys") and attended the Holywell Grammar School eight miles distant. There is lots more of course but this will give you just a tiny glimse of Yours Truly.

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