Here are 26  “WAITER”  JOKES from POPPA HOWARD”S  ” JOKES  ENCYCLOPAEDIA”.          Before giving them to you however, here is a little “Wisdom” that is at the beginning of my Jokes Encyclopaedia , , , , , ,  ,,  , ,

A GOOD TIP  ===  LAUGH A LOT!!                                                                        Case History, , , , A certain Norman Cousins had a terminal  illness and was given six months at the very most to live. He was in continuous pain. One day he noticed that, after watching a humorous show on television when he had had  a good laugh, his pain ceased for about half an hour thereafter.

So he went all out for humour and laughter, hiring humorous films, buying humorous comics and joke books, reading all the cartoons in the Newspapers and magazines and so on. . Anything to make him laugh. He played with children a lot. He made them laugh and they made him laugh. You guessed it!! His illness disappeared completely.  His doctors were astounded.

Here is another very interesting and instructive little tit-bit about laughter ===     In her book “Angel Answers”, Diana Cooper tells of a man in a canoe on the Amazon River with three Shamans when they were attacked by a cloud of mosquitoes. The man was stung all over and put up quite a performance slapping himself and jumping up and down. He became absolutely furious when the Shamans started laughing uproariously at his performance. “We were not  laughing at you” they explained  “We laugh to raise our vibrations so that the mosquitoes avoid us.   (WOW !! Now there is food for thought and also a very practical little gem !!!!).

The Bottom line === “LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE!” —- HOW  VERY  TRUE!!!    So, if you get ill, , , ,  LAUGH IT  OFF.


Also remember that Laughter is healthy because it is “JOGGING ON THE INSIDE!!”

Here now are  my WAITER JOKES, , , read, laugh and enjoy , , , , , ,



In a restaurant, the people that serve you, make you wait.  Hence, they are called WAITERS

1: Waiter: “ How did you find your meat Sir?”

Diner   “ Oh so easy!  I turned over a pea, and behold, there it was!”.

2: Diner: “Waiter!  Where is the muffin I ordered half an hour ago?!”.

Waiter: “I’m terribly sorry Madam, I thought you said ‘NUTHIN”.

(Incidentally, the foregoing is a true story that actually happened to a                 daughter of  one of our Elphin Lodge Residents!).

3: Diner: ”Waiter! What on earth has been used for stuffing in this chicken?”

Waiter:  “Actually, there was no need for any Sir. The new cook said that it                           was not  empty!”


Waiter “ That’s all right Sir, it’s not hot”.

5:  Waiter: “If you don’t like the food Sir, perhaps you could bring it up at our         Complaints Desk on your way out”.

6:   Diner: “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

Waiter: ” That’s not surprising Sir, it was ground early this morning”.

7:  Waiter:  ” We highly recommend these rock cakes Madam, please take                                    your  pick!”.

8: “What lovely soup, what lovely soup” he kept repeating in front of the                 waiter!

9:  Waiter: ” Did you enjoy your dinner Sir?”

Diner:  “Yes thank you. What time do you serve the main meal?”.

10: Diner: “Waiter! When am I going to get my meal?”

Waiter: “ Just as soon as the new cook has scraped it back into the pan                                   Sir”.

11: Diner: ”Waiter, may I ask you a ‘Metaphysical Question’ ?”  “Why is it that whenever I wave in order to attract the attention of one of you blokes, I suddenly become invisible?!”

12: Diner:  “Waiter! This soup looks funny!”

Waiter:  “ Yes, I certainly agree Sir.   We were all having a good laugh over                            it in the  kitchen just now!”.

13: Diner, diplomatically, to Hotel de Maitre: “Yes thank you, the meal was              heavenly”     (under his breath: “Yes, LIKE NOTHING ON EARTH !!).

14: Diner: ”Waiter!  Regarding this lunch you have just served me! WORDS                               JUST  FAIL ME!”

Waiter: “ Oh good! Sir!   For a moment, I thought that you were about to                             complain!”.

15:  Waiter: “The vegetables you are eating are the freshest in town Sir. They          come straight from our gardens onto your plate..

Diner: “So I notice, nearly all raw, and all tasting of compost & fertilizer,                          and I have just spotted a couple of worms!!!”

16:   Waiter: “Did you enjoy your soup Sir? It came all the way fromItaly”

Diner: “Indeed?  Well, that certainly explains why it was ice cold!”

17:   Diner, in the Management Dining Room in a Nuclear Power Plant:                        “ Waiter! What is on the menu today?”

Waiter: “ FISION CHIPS  SIR!”.

18:    Diner: “What is on the Menu today?”

Waiter:” At the moment a Glass of Water is standing on it”

19:  Diner: “Waiter! Your tie and your sleeve are in my dinner!!”

Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir.  I’ll wash them tonight!”.

20:   Diner: “Waiter! You have only put ONE lump of sugar in my coffee. I                                     asked for TWO!!

Waiter:  “How can you tell Sir?”

Diner:  “ I CAN SEE IT !!”

21:  Diner: “Waiter, do you serve lobsters”

Waiter: “ Oh yes Sir, , ,we will serve anyone”

22:  Diner: “Waiter, there’s a fly on my ice cream”

Waiter: “Oh Yes Sir, the flies all come in here for their winter sports skiing”

23:  Diner: Waiter, what is the ‘Soup of the Day?’

Waiter: “Friday’s Soup, Sir”

24:  Woman on a strict diet to Waiter: “I am ordering boiled fish and a dish of lettuce,  but  you must bring me Roast Lamb and your famous ‘Sundae Special Full Cream  by mistake”

25:  Diner: “Waiter, please bring me a Coffee without Cream”

Waiter: “I’m sorry Sir, we are out of Cream. Will you have it without                                      Milk?”

26:  Waiter:  “Sugar in your Coffee Sir?”

Diner: “Yes please, six spoonfuls,  but don’t stir it, I don’t like it sweet”




I am a retired Electrical Engineer (Pr. Eng.) and worked for the Johanesburg Electricity Department for 30 years (being Head of a large Department), I am a Pianist and a Church Organist (I have given Recitals on the Johannesburg City Hall Organ at lunchtime Concerts). At presentI I play for Chapel Services at Elphin Lodge and at the Aldersgate Methodist Church., , , I came out to South Africa in 1953 to represent Ferguson Paiilin Switchgear Ltd. Manchester U.K.., , ,I was born on Merseyside (home of "The Beetles" !!) and served my Electrical Engineering Apprenticeship on Liverpool Docks., , , During the War I was evacuated to a Welsh Farm in North Wales ("Caerwys") and attended the Holywell Grammar School eight miles distant. There is lots more of course but this will give you just a tiny glimse of Yours Truly.

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